Using the term "ill" with complete irony, and understanding that Urban Dictionary has come to help us define our world, we decided to classify our city… your city. Up first: The Types of Phillies Games.
Late Night Lieberthal: This is the improbable, unexplainable, once a season seven run ninth inning comeback, made famous by Mike Lieberthal’s walk-off home run on June 16th, 1998.
The Carts: When you go to a Phillies game and get laid later in the evening. If you have a threesome, it’s then known as The Carter III or a Weezy.
Baezkill: Lead? Not anymore. See also: Baez, Danys.
Flaccid Duck: This is the one where the Phillies lead or trail by at least seven runs in the seventh inning or later and (very important to have both) it rained at some point earlier in the evening and you’re damp. You try to stay, but no matter how much you think about other games and stadiums, and how much you wish you were in them instead… you just can’t finish. This is the only circumstance in which it is acceptable to leave a game early.
Premature Ejectulaion: You left. They came back… and won. The game may have been an…
Aaron Heilman Special: Any game in which a comeback is inevitable against a shaken closer. Phils win in an epic – and often hilarious – fashion. See also: Broxton, Jonathan; Wagner, Billy. Heightened: Stream Out of the Dugout Game, or, when done in postseason, takes on the name Jimmmmy!!!
Larry Mendte: You work nights and constantly hack into your friend’s MLB.tv account to watch games. Bonus points if you somehow fuck Alycia Lane or this ends in a restraining order.
The Italian Market: Lots up for debate. Close plays, blown calls, and indecision cause both managers to come out of their dugouts either at the same or separate times. At some point, they begin to jaw with each other in a useless manner. Arms flail. Often results from a warning given to a pitcher. Bonus points if somebody throws a fish.
Panamanian Punch Game: Anytime your catcher is forced to throw a runner out or pick one off base to save a pitcher’s ass. Often followed by fist pump (not required, however). Other names: The Romero Rescue.
I Gotchu Game: Video explanation.
He’s baaaaaaaaaack: A distant cousin to the I Gotchu Game, any game in which a player comes back from the DL, minors, or other absence and makes a profound impact on the game. T-Mac points it out.
Tyler Perry Game: This is just awful. Terrible. Why are we winning?
AC 360: This is when you and a tight-shirt wearing friend fly out to an away game on a whim and a receive an endless stream of texts and phone calls informing you that you were on TV, then you are seen on TV taking said calls. Optional: Your friend has grey hair and you shockingly find out later in the evening that he is gay.
The Dan Baker: Any game with a lengthy pre-game ceremony (jersey retirement, player night, Phanatic’s birthday, etc). You’ll continue to ignore the fact that beloved Dan Baker has way too many misplaced inflections and awkward intros. But, because he’s beloved, you’ll pretend to like it.
West Philly Gang Bang: Everything looks fine. Sure it’s late and you have a heightened sense of awareness, but you don’t really expect anything bad to happen. Then, just as quickly as it started, it ends. An inconspicuous car rolling down a quiet neighborhood street drops its windows… and BOOM, Raheem is dead on the ground next to you. This isn’t a simple go-ahead home run from an aging fringe player, this is epic. Examples: Juan Uribe’s home run off Ryan Madson in Game 6 of the NLCS last year, Johnny Damon in Game 4 of the 2009 World Series. Older examples: Jeff Conine (2003-2005), Craig Biggio, September 7th, 2005. Similar to: Center City Rapist.
The 6 ABC Boscov's Thanksgiving Day Parade Game: It’s not really a good game. They’re losing. But you watch. You watch the whole fucking thing, not because it was particularly enjoyable, but because you feel it’s your duty as a Philadelphian. David Boreanaz may or may not be present.
The Man: Chase Utley wins it.
Harry Kalas Game: A friend of The Man game, this is one of those games where you just wish Harry were here to call it. Not necessarily an Aaron Heilman, more like a Panamanian Punch or an I Gotchu Game, where Harry would have just loved and appropriately called the magical moment. Also can be a history-making event (Doc’s no-hitter, etc.).
Celebre Twins: This is a game that toils into the wee hours of the morning and one of the announcers makes a public plea for food, recalling Whitey’s famous line: I’d like to send out a special birthday wish to the Celebre Twins, Plain and Pepperoni.
Mitchie Poo: This could have earlier been a Celebre Twins game and will often feature elements of a Panamanian Punch. One of those epic games, sometimes a doubleheader, that goes deep into the evening and something weird – extraordinary – happens, like Mitch Williams’ walk-off hit on July 2nd, 1993 against the Padres, or Wilson Valdez’s 19th inning pitching performance. Other names: Throwin’ Goat. Last Call Tipper.
John Bolaris: You blacked out and forgot what happened. Twice.
Port Richmond Tire Fire: It’s so fucking hot that your balls are stuck to the inside of your legs like the sidewalls of two tires rubbing against the curb. They’ll still work, but will be sore for a few days. You wish you would have put some talcum powder on before heading out. We would imagine for women this would present itself as underboob sweat, but we could be wrong. Ask T-Mac.
The Private Lap Dance: You paid $100 for tickets. You know you overpaid, but it was a last minute decision, you may or may not be drunk, and the scalper seemed honest enough. You get in, but it's over before it really starts. The Phillies give up four runs in the first inning. You wound up paying for 20 minutes of drama and two hours of cleanup. Was it really worth it? See also: Myers, Brett. Floyd, Gavin.
The I-95 Tie Up: Another name for the Business Persons Special. The game gets over around 4:30, 5. You’re tired, have a little bit of a headache and just want to eat dinner. The only thing that stands in between you and recovery… is a seven mile backup on 95 South.
Angry Bottalico: This team doesn’t hit. It’s just unacceptable. They’re taking pitches down the middle, swinging at balls… there are no good at-bats, no accountability. I’m baffled, Michael, really, I am. The pitchers are doing their jobs. They’re throwing whatever Chooch puts down. But this team doesn’t hit. I don’t see how it’s ever going to get better. I don’t see it, Michael. I don’t see it.
Kensington Strangler: Sort of like the Private Lap Dance, only more painful and less semen. This one isn’t over quickly, it’s a slow and painful death. A Kyle Kendrick special, really. A few runs are given up in the first, the Phillies get one back right away, but wind up leaving seven men on over the next few innings. The visiting team tacks on three more with a two-out blast. And after that, it’s done. There’s no life. It was slowly squeezed out of you. But, like pitching Kyle Kendrick, you never should have risked walking around Kensington at night, anyway.
Her Daddy Would Be Proud Game: This one was a last minute addition thanks to our friends who got it on at CBP. It's very simple: you Carcillo a girl in the stands. Similar to, but with one obvious difference from The Carts, which takes place after the game. You can perform a modified version of Cartering (Carter’d, past tense) if you kick the girl out of your seat once the act is finished.