Bird Droppings: Running Commentary From Sunday Night Football

Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 11.54.26 AM

Photo via Philly Sports Daily photo gallery

This started out with me taking notes on my iPad, then slowly evolved into a full-on running commentary of the Eagles national TV Halloween party.

 

Pre-game

- There’s Faith Hill. This song is cheesy and awful, but even as Faith ages, she continues to wear the black leather pants well. Ordinarily, we’d find her mousey and annoying. In a sports context, however, she’s downright saucy. Women lose about 10 years and 10 pounds when they're connected to sports– it's a fact (Hannah Storm Corollary). I mean, Colleen Dominguez looks like she got hit by a bus… but is still damnnn fine when she’s interviewing an NBA player.

- Oh hey, speaking of getting hit by a bus, there’s Michele Tafoya. She’s dressed as a pumpkin tonight. Or a pilgrim. One or the other. Michelle is the exception to the sports context rule.

 

First quarter 

- It appears as though the Eagles re-sodded the center of the field, yet it somehow looks worse than the rest. The two-tone field is one of the most underrated travesties in all of sports. Groundskeepers have one job, and one job only: make the field look good. Isn’t there a way to mow, cut, or dye the grass so it matches the rest of the turf? This happens all summer with that little box in front of the pitcher’s mound at CBP– can we at least get the football field looking right eight times a year? Is that too much to ask? 

- Annnnnd Shady McCoy trips on the new grass for his first run of the game. 

- Watching the game with the family tonight. My Mom: "The grass looks horrible, it's on TV.” I know, Mom. I know.

- 12:04 1st- More Mom: "Why does he dress and look so unprofessional?" That would be the first Rob Ryan sighting.

- 10:41 1st- Jeremy Maclin touchdown! That has to make Ryan Howard happy, he wore a Maclin jersey to the game.

image from mobilwi.typepad.com

- First drive: four runs, four passes. Eagles score first first-possession touchdown of year. It’s also the first first-quarter touchdown given up by Cowboys this year. This, folks, is a good sign.

- They actually had to try to screw this one up: Eagles go offsides on kickoff, get penalized five yards, re-kick, kick ball out of bounds, now, because they got moved an additional five yards, the Cowboys will start with the ball on their own 45. Who had the double-penalty kickoff parlayed? Big money if you did.

- Tony Romo takes the field. Is it just me, or is he sporting a borderline rattail from beneath his helmet? I know it’s always there, but this has a little bit of flow going on. Again, NATIONAL TV– it’ all about appearance… and, you know, winning.

- 8:55 1st- Collinsworth highlights Wide 9 stance. Jason Babin immediately sacks Romo. This sort of thing gives TV producers boners. I’d imagine the folks in the NBC truck all raced to sit down so they could hide their excitement. 

Don't think I forgot that Gregggg Murphy picked Babin as his player of the game on Pregame Live. I see you, Gregggg, taking Amy Fadool’s spot, taking Amy Fadool’s spot. 

- 7:28 1st- Romo was just sacked by the new sod, who has two already tonight. That, or Romo tripped over his rattail. I know I’m supposed to hate him, but I sort of just feel bad for him at times.

Sidenote: We found the solution to Juan Castillo: Tony Romo

- Cowboys punter has Drop Foot. I don't know what that is, but se’s wearing a comically large brace that reminds me of a girl I used to know with persistent swollen ankles. What. The. Hell? 

- New Siri commercial. Nice. I wonder if they’ll have one with all her snarky answers. Which reminds me, has anyone started talking dirty to her yet? I have. 

- A Philly twofer! Rocky steps shot followed by Al Michaels saying Brian Williams "came down from New York to get himself a cheesesteak." No obligatory Pats shot. Yet.

- 4:05 1st- We’re still within Andy's script, which he had 14 days to write. This is where he excels. Now, let's see what happens when the Cowboys adjust………. Annnd McCoy runs one to goal line. Rob Ryan: mad. fat. 

- 2:40 1st- Touchdown!!!!

- The Eagles PR department just released the following stat:

Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 12.12.02 PM
Grilled Reuben Frank lives on these. He has a direct-connect into the Eagles PR machine, like the humans who were hooked up to The Matrix.

 

- Why is Tony Romo wearing a Starter hat in his video introduction (which by the way comes with the Cowboys down 14-0). Are they still even around? Do they still make jackets?

- 1:14 1st- Nnamdi Asomugha intercepts a deflected pass. Oh my. 

- Food break.

 

Second quarter

- 11:08 2nd- Jason Kelce just snapped the ball into his own ass:

Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 12.09.03 PM 

- 10:13 2nd- Brent Celek is alive! Touchdown!!! The Eagles are wide open in the middle of the field. WIDE OPEN. 

[Edit: after the game, Vick said the safeties were playing like “500 yards” back. It shows, he has everything available in the middle of the field. Eerily reminiscent of the Redskins Monday night game last year.]  

- NBC’s Night of Self Promotion continues. New show Grimm is using viewer Tweets as reviews for their show. That's either revolutionary… or they were desperate for positive reviews. Is this show going to be relevant after Halloween? Which is – carries the 2- tomorrow (edit: now today).

- More Rob Ryan shots. Rob is a special kind of fat. He's generally large, but not really obese, he just has a spectacular gut. That takes years of beer drinking and abusing your body. Years. He carries it all in the front, too– I think that means he’s having a boy.  

- 5:52 2nd- Vick to Avant. Eagles have 18 first downs to Cowboys’ 3. Players continue to be wide open in the middle of the field. 

Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 12.11.14 PMNice.

 

- 5:04 2nd- McCoy just bounces to the outside so well, so quickly. Rubber band man legs.

- 4:22 2nd- Vick to a wide-open Celek. Again. Is this soccer? Did someone hand out red cards to the Cowboys secondary? Are they down a man? Did someone fall asleep? Where are their defenders?! 

- Michael Vick has 158.3 passer rating to this point. Perfect.

- Eagles commercial about shape of Lincoln Financial Field roof and how it resembles and eagle’s wings and talons. Hey, here’s a question: What happened to the wind turbines that were supposed to be present this year?  

From Philly.com in November:

Come opening day next September, if all goes as planned, the upper rim of the stadium will be studded with 100 spiral-shape wind turbines.

Some 2,500 solar panels will cover portions of the roof and facade, tilting south.

In the parking lot – not where the fans park – the Eagles will build a cogeneration power plant that can run on biodiesel or natural gas.

Taken together, the Eagles say, the three sources will fully power any game, even as the stadium lights blaze, and the sound system blasts. 

 

I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen any massive wind turbines or a power plant at the Linc. Um, where are they?

- NBC is really pushing Rock Center. I like Brian Williams, but if I see him one more time tonight…

- Hey there's Ryan Ho… No, wait, wrong crutched-Howard– Howard Mudd.

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He's suuuch a football coach.  

 

- Reader Scott checks-in on Twitter: 

  Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 12.21.06 PM 

Halftime

- Kendra just Tweeted about her show starting, “east coast here we go!!” Is there anything more annoying than celebrities who Tweet about their shows coming on in each time zone? I don’t really have a joke here, it just bothers me. 

- Bob Costas just jerked off St. Louis on broadcast television. 100 seconds of pure, unfiltered verbal sex. What if rams didn't win today? Here watch:

 

Uhh. Gross.

 

Third quarter

- 13:35 3rd- Collinsworth describes the Wide 9. Again. I once heard Al Michaels say that he doesn’t like to repeat things on his broadcasts that have already been mentioned by other crews. Perhaps he can pass that advice along to his partner.

- 7:00 3rd- Unreal. Vick throws ball about three yards forward to butter fingers Jackson, who drops it. Cowboys dive on ball, even though it was clearly a forward pass. They temporarily fooled me… and the refs, it seems. Play is incredibly ruled a backwards pass and the Eagles (???) are given ball. Refs then correct themselves to incorrectly give Cowboys ball. Andy Reid is going to win two challenges tonight.

Has he ever won two challenges before?

Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 12.23.44 PM

 

- Annnnd more commercials…

- Rock Center promo again. Should have started counting when Williams was on with Costas pre-game. I guess this is the NBC equivalent of sticking Gleeks in the stands during World Series games.

- Ref corrects call: “I was wrong. Myself and my compadres are completely incompetent and blind, the Eagles will be given a third challenge.” Andy Reid just tugged his crotch (no screenshot, but I assume this is what happened).

- The Eagles can’t convert opportunity and are forced to kick field goal. Two possessions in a row. Let’s put the Cowboys away here.

- COMMERCIALS!!!

- I don’t even know that I’m still watching a football game, it’s just a platform to promote Rock Center, shitty cop shows, and for Bob Costas to read his poems.

- 5:51 3rd- Pumpkin Tafoya checks in with Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth with Troy Polamalu hair to promote next week’s promo night in America on NBC. Tafoya is really adding a lot to this broadcast.

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via Awful Announcing

Poor Al Michaels– he lives in LA, I wonder if he’ll fly home then come back to Pittsburgh next week?

 

- 5:41 3rd- Nnamdi just had Jason Witten defenseless in open field, barely grazes him. Luckily helped out by rest of secondary. 

- Cowboys kicker-turned-punter is the best subplot of this game. He just kicked a knucklepuck to the Eagles.

- COMMERCIALS!!!!

- 4:59 3rd- As part of team-mandated effort to give other teams every chance possible to comeback in second half, Vick fumbles. Luckily, the Eagles recover.

- 2:50 3rd- Collinsworth just compared McCoy to Barry Sanders. Normally I would knock him down here, but hard to say anything, McCoy has been spectacular tonight.

- Collinsworth: “I called Herreman’s a tool in our meeting.” I giggled.

- 2:21 3rd- McCoy continues to dance all over Dallas.

- Al Michaels: “If you called up central casting and said send me an offensive line coach for a movie, they couldn’t send you anybody that good.” Howard Mudd, once again:

Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 12.18.54 PM

 

- Reader Anthony: 

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- Aerial coverage of Philly, still no cheesesteak shot. Credit to Drew Esocoff for not taking the low-hanging fruit. If this game we’re on FOX, we’d have already seen Lea Michele bathing in Cheez Whiz at Pats. And you know what? I’d be OK with that. Still a lot of promos, though.

- COMMERCIALS!!!!

- This is why football is better on TV. If you’re at the game tonight, how do you stand it? Cold, late, slow. Wouldn’t you rather be on your couch and see gratuitous shots of Brian Williams?

- Sidenote: Call of Duty MW3 looks good. Don’t buy many non-sports game, but that and Arkham City may be eating up serious chunks of my time soon.

- Nice, NBC shows Eastern State Penitentiary shots. A solid use of city shots tonight. Good work.

 

Fourth quarter

- 13:21 4th- McCoy scores again. Rob Ryan looks forlorn. Jerry Jones, confused. The Cowboys, like defenders in Tecmo Bowl. They’re just chasing the Eagles around, but almost purposely not even attempting to engage them. 

- McCoy again bumps Mudd. I’d show you, but NBC has played it 50 times already.

- McCoy has 155 rushing yards. I’ll now refer you to this John Ellis post:

I've always felt the criticism of Andy Reid over run/pass ratio was a bit oversimplistic and exaggerated and situations (and personnel) often dictated that they pass more. But the best plan going forward now is to run the ball more. Why?  Put simply, a better run/pass balance minimizes the number of hits Michael Vick takes, while also maximizing the number of touches given to their best player so far in 2011– LeSean McCoy. Plus, more running plays can hide some defensive weaknesses by reducing the number of snaps for the defense.

 

- Reader Mark: 

Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 12.32.53 PM

I’m sure the Grimm time slot will be available soon.

 

- 12:44 4th- Romo hits Laurent Robinson on 70-yard pass. Robinson spikes ball like a bitch. Score: 374-6, Eagles.

- Jamie Apody points out the Eagles haven’t punted tonight. That, is crazy.

- 8:45 4th- The Cowboys’ center, Costa, snaps like a woman. That is all.

- 7:32 4th- Al Michaels getting deep into his notes. Romo said his wife is having a baby. I wonder who the father is, because there’s no way Romo’s sperm completed that journey. And if they did, they most certainly dropped the DNA before entering the egg.

- 6:15 4th- Right on cue, Romo throws to no one in end zone. It should be noted that it is the fourth quarter.

- Romo throws to back shoulder of Dez Bryant, exactly how it was described on NBC pre-game show. Nnamdi gets away with one, but stops him. NBC ran through this exact play on pre-game show. Well done– again.

- 6:07 4th- Romo sacked on fourth down… in the fourth quarter.

- Collinsworth: “Juan Castillo is starting to get the hang of this defensive coordinator thing.” Oh good, it’s Week 8.

- 3:35 4th- Al Michaels: “I want to spend a bye week with Andy Reid.”

Reid went to second home in California for three days (how did I not know that he has one?). Vick bought a Parrot, which I assume he pits against other parrots in battle rapping.

That leads reader Mike to check-in with our Tweet of the night: 

Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 12.35.26 PM

 

- Rock Center commercial. Apparently, Brian Williams just rides the elevator for hours on end, which I’d totally watch if he hits the emergency stop and sticks it to Kate Snow every week.

1:50 4th- Asante dance.

ASANTE_SAMUEL
 via (@SpikeEskin)

 

- 1:12 4th- Howard Mudd talking to Danny Watkins. I’d imagine he's saying, “What the fuck is hockey?” 

- Cowboys end the game with bad snap and incomplete pass from Romo. Perfect.

 

Eagles 34, Cowboys 7

Remember, Rock Center debuts tonight at 10 PM on NBC.

15 Comments

  1. I was afraid that Collinsworth was going to choke on Reid’s schlonger by the middle of the 4th quarter. “He’s such a good coach”, om nom nom. If the score was reversed it wold have been Rob Ryan getting the mouth treatment.

  2. Yeah, the theme song for SNF is awful!! Hey Jack it’s a fact…..Al and Cris are the best on TV!!! Did a first grader write this song?

  3. I would like to watch a game with you sometime because the amount of laughing I just did in the office may lead to my early termination.

  4. Rock center tonight, check

  5. Great post! Had me laughing quite a few times in there!

  6. They should get Hank Williams Jr. to write a song for Sunday Night Football about Rob Ryan’s fat tits and how Jerry Jones is like Hitler.

  7. i love the piC OF THE FAT WT DUDES WITH RYAN hOWARD & HIS TERRIBLE HAT.

  8. Your mom sounds very nice, is it like at my old man’s where we just let her watch so she’ll make the kick-ass taco dip?

  9. My dad via text @ 9:34pm: “I’ll bet Ryan’s breath smells like his ass”

  10. Fuck Howard

  11. I’m doing the Asante dance everywhere I go from now on. Why does the Big Piece like wearing these awful hats?

  12. fucking hilarious

  13. the first thing i thought of when Asante danced was Russell Brand’s “African Child” dance from Get Him to the Greek

  14. kyle, for a blogger who makes his living off of ads, you should be a little more accepting of the promos during the game. maybe we can discuss this at Drinkers.

  15. Scramblin Randall

    November 1, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    The Romo picture at the top is awesome, someone needs to photoshop the football out, and some testicles in there and it would be perfect.

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