I told you! I told you this summer that having a quirky Russian goaltender was going to be a whole barrel of fun. He may not be great at stopping the puck – yet – but his (now weekly) proverbs are perfection.
As you might imagine, Bryz once again stole the show– at least in terms of quotables.
Number one, as seen above: The Flyers, some of whom apparently got to watch 24/7 last Wednesday despite the Sofitel in Montreal not having HBO*, immediately gave Bryz a hard time at breakfast on Thursday. Jaromir Jagr was the most harsh– he stranded Bryz when the goaltender tried to sit next to him at an otherwise empty table.
*One Canadiens blogger told me that he watched last week’s show at a bar with “a few of the Flyers rookies.”
Then, Harry Scrabble, who saw the show (perhaps at that bar), joined Bryz and Bob to get some more nuggets of wisdom filtered through that heavy Russian accent which automatically adds a 1.5x hilarity multiplier to any Bryz quote:
Harry Z: Your lesson about the galaxy was, uh…
.. laughs -
Bryz: You have imagination, right?
Harry Z: Yeah.
Bryz: You know the breed “Husky?”
Harry Z: The Husky… yeah, the dog
Bryz: Yeah, Siberian Husky
Harry Z: That’s what you have?
Bryz: Yeah, she’s all white. Beautiful blue eyes. That’s basically blonde girl with a blue eyes. Your dream, man.
Harry Z: – perplexed – So you’re comparing women to your Huskies?
Bryz: My Husky, basically she’s a hot girl, man.
Harry: Amazing. Amazing.
Amazing indeed. What’s ironic, though, is that the whole time Bryz was basically appealing to Harry’s frat boy instincts by describing the perfect dog woman, he probably didn’t realize that Z was once charged and sentenced with videotaping and distributing underage porn (filmed his buddy having sex in college). Oops.
None of that matters now, however. What we care about are dog jokes and puns. As reader Chris Mack points out on Twitter, Bryz is basically Louis’ father, Carter Pewterschmidt, in this scene from Family Guy. Feel the heat coming off of her genitalia, you can roast a marshmallow, that's how you can tell she's a champion. Isn't she the most beautiful dog you've ever seen?
That wasn’t all from Bryz, though.
He gave his thoughts on his occupation, too: [thanks to Puck Daddy for transcription on this one]
"I love it. Sometimes hate it. A few weeks ago, they broke my chest protector during the practice, and guys continue start hitting me in the same spot. Why so painful? I don't want to be goalie now. Can I sit in the office and accept the calls? Like '1-800 … let me transfer you to a different department."
"OK, they fire the puck from the blue line. Chief usually yelling 'block the shot' at the defensemen. They doesn't have the goalie gear, but they have to block the shot. So who is more crazy, me or the defensemen? Who is more weird?"
Hilarious. But quite honestly I’d rather the $51 million goaltender not hate hockey at all. That contract has eight more years on it…
Video of that second quote is after the jump.
Video copyright HBO via FlyersinHD on YouTube