Morning Wood: The Man

Kyle Scott —  June 28, 2012 — 19 Comments

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We were so close to seeing a The Man Game last night.  

So close yet a pitching staff away.

The Man Game and, similarly, the Harry Kalas Game are defined as:

The Man: Chase Utley wins it.

Harry Kalas Game: A friend of The Man game, this is one of those games where you just wish Harry were here to call it. Not necessarily an Aaron Heilman, more like a Panamanian Punch or an I Gotchu Game, where Harry would have just loved and appropriately called the magical moment. Also can be a history-making event (Doc’s no-hitter, etc.).

 

No such luck, though, mostly because, inexplicably, the Phillies couldn’t call up one able-bodied starter from three levels of minor leagues to pitch one game. Instead, they were stuck with Raul Valdes, Joe Savery, some other slops, and Chad Qualls. Qualls is exactly the type of motherfucker who just looks like he’s going to lose when he blumbers to the mound. I remember watching some ESPN special on the 1986 Red Sox, and I don’t know if it was Bill Simmons or someone else, but whoever it was said something to the effect of: “Once Bob Stanley came into Game 6 [against the Mets], you knew something bad was going to happen. He just had that typical Red Sox loser look. Kind of sad looking.”

That’s how I feel about Qualls. 

He way too much resembles the likes of Kevin Millwood, Adam Eaton and Jon Lieber. He has that Grimus, everything falls toward the mid-section pear shape… kind of dopey looking… fruity hair. It’s all there. For once, the Phillies were mounting a comeback. There was energy in the ballpark for the first time since the second inning of Game 2 of the NLDS. Chase’s knees were reattached. Quirky things (like Cliff Lee pinch hitting in the second inning) were happening. It was all ready to boil over as the Phillies pulled within one, at 8-7. 

Then, Fuckface: 

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Thanks for nothing. Phillies lose, 11-7. Chase’s 3-for-5 return? Ruined.

 

The Man

Here’s video of Chasey going yard in the first inning:

Yep.

 

The Big Piece

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He’ll begin a rehab assignment tonight in Lakewood:

Awkward was a word assistant general manager Scott Proefrock used to describe what you might see from Howard as he leaves the batter's box.

"I'm not a trainer or a doctor or anything, but from talking to Scott, it's something he has to sort of relearn," Proefrock said, referring to head trainer Scott Sheridan. "It may look awkward initially, but it's something he has to get comfortable with. It's not something that is an issue with the Achilles or anything. It's something because of the inactivity; he has to get comfortable with the explosiveness part of it."

 

Chooch, You Son of a Bitch

As pointed out by several, Jim Thome appeared to call Chooch a son of a bitch after his first inning home run:

Video via (@DCOLLINS)

 

Call Me Maybe Tweet of the Day

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The reference.

 

Mens Room Photography

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Sadly, I took two pictures in the mens room at last night’s game.

 

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Kyle Scott

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19 responses to Morning Wood: The Man

  1. How is Qualls still on this team? That guy is absolute garbage.
    On a positive note, glad to see Chase come back with a bang! I thought that second shot to straight away center was gone too! Nevertheless, what a sight for sore eyes!

  2. I kinda figured this post would have some NSFW content in it about chase utley….Kyle are you feeling ok this morning?

  3. Hey, I was just at Wal Mart this morning and Chad Qualls was there as a greeter. Is this a “Meet The Phillies” cross promotion or something? What gives?

  4. Not gonna lie…that Hey I Just Met You tweet was hilarious.

  5. Snow Balls at Santa June 28, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Down 8 games in the division and 5 in the Wild card.. Sureeeee, they can blow a game by using the crappy bullpen. There were 900 scenarios better than pitching Savery and Valdez yesterday and worse yet, the bullpen is destroyed for Kendricks start today. How about capping Kendrick at 80-90 pitches last night and using Lee 1 time on 3 days rest with a pitch count??
    By the way.. I love all the weasels who have said for the last 4 months that “Utley is done” “his knees are shot” “he wont make a difference”. You are extremely ignorant baseball fans.

  6. i am amazed that asshole qualls is still on our team…

  7. 3 Finger Lenny June 28, 2012 at 10:01 am

    the k-man is off to a nice start this morning

  8. Qualls should not be on any major league roster.
    o.O

  9. The K man…too fuckin funny. The move to have a “bullpen” game made no sense, if we can get 1 more back end guy and management to remove heads from asses we’ll make the postseason.

  10. When checking http://www.phillies.com this morning, I was hoping to find an article entitled “Chad Qualls has been released” but unfortunately, we arn’t that lucky..

  11. I think the Phillies should hold some type of “Invincible” Vince Papali like tryouts to take C. Qualls’s spot in the bullpen. And Schwimer’s spot. And Savory and Valdes’s spots.

  12. Adam From Claymont June 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Chad Qualls-The momentum KILLER
    Chad Qualls- Dumping ice water on the baseball boners of Phillies fans since 2012!

  13. I hate Qualls as much as the next guy, but that was his first (3) earned run given up in his past 10 appearances.
    Also Kyle that Phillies Vocabulary thing was fucking hilarious.

  14. I know that I wouldnt have given up that 2 run shot!

  15. Qualls just got DFA’d. Thank God!

  16. Peace out Qualls!

  17. Ummmm, no one else is weirded out/grossed out that Kyle is taking pictures in the men’s room? I know people like to question your proclivities, Kyle. Doin this sure as hell isn’t gonna shut them up! I’m surprised you didn’t get bitch slapped for your efforts!

  18. The call me maybe tweet is hysterical.
    Great tweet by Ali as well. Beast mode was my first thought after Utley’s blast. And boy do I miss Harry the K. Wheels and McCarthy need to beat it.

  19. That tweet is hilarious. So is the Yankees hat in the pisser. Kudos.

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