Have Lunch with Mickey Morandini for $300 or Have Harry Zolnierczyk Show Up at Your Fantasy Draft for $1,500 (and Other Inane Offers!)

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Word of a new site, called Thuzio, found its way to my inbox last week. Basically, it provides a platform for professional athletes to pimp their services – speaking gigs and companionship, it seems – to fans and businesses. It’s all a bit odd and a little bit creepy, but a decent idea – cut out the middle man (agent) and deal directly with potential “customers" – that appeals to current and former athletes who have no idea how to otherwise earn a paycheck. Plus, who wouldn’t want Isiah Thomas to show up at their store's grand opening for $7,500? Or who wouldn’t want to attend a sporting event with Yankees pitcher Ivan Nova for $4,000? And, um, who wouldn't want a $2,500 round of golf with Derrick Coleman?

Anyway, as you can see, some of the offers are reasonable… others are ridiculous. So I decided to see which Philly athletes were available.

You can have lunch of dinner with Mickey Morandini, for $300:

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Morandini, who grossed only around $10 million during his 10-year career, is pretty much opening his legs to whatever you please. He’ll have lunch with you, play golf with you ($600), attend a game with you ($600), talk to your small group of friends ($750) and more. Or you can customize an experience with him.

Here’s how I would do mine: I sit Mickey Morandini in a chair, make him wear his sweet 1990s-style wristbands, and scream my Harry Kalas impersonation – MICK-EY MOR-AN-DI-NI – at him, perhaps while wearing this shirt, for three hours or until one of us passes out– $1,200.

Among the former Eagles on the site are Ricky Watters, Lito Sheppard, and Gary Gobb, who will show up at your fantasy draft for a cool $1,350 AND MAKE NO GODDAMN SENSE WHEN HE TALKS TO YOU.

Sixers? No surprises here. Darryl Dawkins, who will eat out your wife show up at your wedding (or similar celebration) for up to two hours for a – somewhat reasonable – $1,000. And World B. Free, who will attend a game with you for $300 or, really, whatever you got in your pocket.

But – by far – my favorite is the lone Flyer on Thuzio: Harry Zolnierczyk, who will show up at your fantasy hockey draft (you know, if there’s a season) for $1,500 or, and I’m sure the Flyers love this, play in your next pick-up game for $2,000 per hour! GAH! You can also customize your experience with Harry, at which point I’d totally ask him to video tape me having sex with an underage girl– free, but he’d be allowed to watch. Never mind.

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You can see the rest of the athletes on Thuzio here. We'll assume the site does background checks, just in case, say, a bunch of Red Sox fans wanted to pay Bucky Fucking Dent $3,500 to hear his story and then, you know, kill him.

I wonder if they let popular bloggers sign up? Because I’ll have lunch with you at Reading Terminal Market for the price of a warm, juicy DiNic’s roast pork sandwich.

What are some requests you might have for athletes, local and otherwise? 

23 Comments

  1. Kyle Scott's Aunt

    December 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Is this a flipping joke? What am I going to talk to Harry Zolnierczyk about for 4 hours?

  2. I’m assuming who ever sent you this site heard about it when Tiki Barber was on the Howard Stern Show. Pretty interesting conversation they had, good listen.

  3. 4 hours? Over under on how many times he says eh, aboot, or buddy?

  4. Ill pay $500 to Frank the animal bialowas to dick punch Mike Missanelli for 4 hours while I play a round of golf with my long time friend Rachel Recklessss

  5. Since professional athletes are the most stupid and boring people on the face of the earth, I wouldn’t pay a quarter to have coffee with one of them. How pathetic they are and how egotistical.

  6. For an NFL coaching job Andy Reid will ignore your children like they were his own.

  7. This is very despicable and a little disgusting. Turns sports figures into hookers. Not cool at all.

  8. Chance- Vice President of the GnA Falcons

    December 17, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    You couldn’t pay me to have dinner with that no talent pussy Mickey morandini

  9. Mickey Morandini is so costly man. How someone go lunch for $300? :)

  10. JoeCarterRuinedMyDadsBirthday

    December 18, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Fuck Mickey Morandini. As a kid I had access to the Phils locker room at the Vet, and he was the only bag of douche who never had time to sign an autograph. Maybe his career would’ve been longer had he choked up juuusst a little more. FAGGOT

  11. I’d pay Jason Babin $6.5M/yr to touch my “wide nine.”

  12. I’d pay Jason Babin 10 bucks to watch me pork his wife while wearing my untied shoes and talking about how she gets way more sacks than her husband. I bet he’d actually wanna smell my stank-ass breath when I get done with her.

  13. Slammin Gretzky's Daughter

    December 18, 2012 at 4:59 am

    I’d pay Tom Sestito $50 to beat the living hell out of Garry Bettman until he agrees to sign a deal with the players union. Then I’d give Donald Brashear five bucks to deliver a knockout blow and then teabag Bettman’s unconscious body. All while Harry Z is watching on his webcam.

  14. So how long before this becomes another “sponsor?”

  15. SixersFlyersPhilliesEaglesUnionKixxSoul

    December 18, 2012 at 9:19 am

    How much for an hour with the sixers sideline chick

  16. Do you think Lomas Brown will come over and watch a VHS copy of the 58-37 wild card game from ’96?

  17. Micky Morandini will be attending our annual christmas party this year and after party at Eden Hall where we got a couple keggers in the woods

  18. How much for McNabb to wear a dress every time he makes an appearance on DNL?

  19. the same Harry the Z that distributed underage porn?

  20. What is considered a small group of friends, Mickey? My weekly bukakays average at least 30.

  21. I wish Harry the Z would distribute Male Porn to my mailbox. Also, Paul, call me, I think we should go to the movies, if you know what I mean…

  22. Cinnaminson Jeff Malterre

    December 18, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Hey guys it’s me Jeffy Poo. Hey Mickey Youre so fine, youre so fine you blow my mind girl.

  23. In a league that is not national affiliation have a bat for you! Unbeatable in performance in bat performance. Ultra thin handle on the new Miken Velocit-E Ultra 2 Slow Pitch Softball Bat.

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