Screen Shot 2013-09-10 at 9.45.29 AMI’m going to try really hard here to avoid a lede comparing the first half Eagles offense to sex or Kelly to a big-balled, excellent-pissing melon. But him and his devilish grin made about 3.7 million people in the greater Philadelphia area rage-forget about Andy Reid last night. I mean, are you kidding me? This is what can be done with all that talent? LeSean McCoy, rubber band man, is actually the best running back in the NFL? Riley Cooper will fight for every ball in here? DeSean Jackson can be used not only as a deep threat, but also on shorter routes where he can find open space? Michael Vick, when used properly, is a dynamic, defense-crippling quarterback? The offensive line can… block? The defense, with all its faults, can make game-changing plays when they’re not in some sort of hokey Wide 9, spread ’em formation holding its proverbial legs more wide open than the holes that McCoy created for himself and that Kelly rammed his big-junked offense into all while pissing on the ESPN created myth of RGIII? Well! Sign me up! Fire you, Andy! You made us hate football for the last half decade and Chip Kelly is here to save us with an impressive array of formations, fist pumps and one-liners. The West Coast offense cannnnn be fun, but I find the read option much more enlightening. Fuck you, Andy. Marry me, Chip. The triumphant return of Bird Droppings is here. Let’s get to the good shit!

[So much happened last night, so we’ll just go in order. I slept very little, please bear with me on any typos.]

 

Buzzkill: This was the backwards pass that wasn’t actually a backwards pass:

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Horrrrrrrrrible call. This is the problem with the NFL’s stupid inconclusive replay and review policy. It’s not a fucking court of law. When reviewing plays, the standard should be preponderance of the evidence (in this case, forward pass), not beyond a reasonable doubt. But no, because officials are trained to err on the side of letting the play continue – meaning that fumbles, specifically, are generally allowed to play out when they may not actually be fumbles – reviews often become hunts for the perfect camera angle to confirm what everyone already knows– that the play was dead… the runner was down or the pass was incomplete. That was the issue here. It was obviously a forward pass, but because the call on the field was, of course, a fumble, there had to be a camera angle to prove that wrong. There wasn’t. Touchdown Redskins. Fuck. Kelly boner: dipped into a bucket of D.C. ice water.

The rationale makes sense (you can’t blow the play dead only to learn that it was a fumble), but there has to be a better standard when reviewing these things. Let the highly trained officials watch 10 slow-mo replays and make a judgement call… don’t have them get stuck in limbo because they can’t find the perfect angle to confirm that they were initially wrong. Dumb.

Vick flyswatter: Interestingly, one of the things you saw a lot from Eagles beat writers during training camp was that Vick was the only quarterback who repeatedly hit Kelly’s Honey, I Shrunk the Quarterback flyswatters. That’s what happened here, as pointed out by Zach Berman. Vick threw it right into the flyswatter.

The Andy Reid challenge: The presence of Reid still roams the Eagles’ sideline, as evidenced by the fact that Kelly challenged a first quarter drop by Zach Ertz that bounced off the ground. Twice. I think it was Kelly’s way of acknowledging the past by squandering his future timeouts. Doesn’t matter, I still want to squeeze him.

Fly Eagles Fly: The Eagles marketing and PR folks have really stepped up their game since Reid left. They did a nice job of making Kelly available when he first got here, they’ve been a useful presence on Twitter, maybe stumbled a little during the Riley Cooper thing, but bounced right back with this Fly Eagles Fly spot, which debuted on the web last week and was shown during a commercial break last night:

I checked on Twitter, and some out-of-town folks said they didn’t see it. So it was probably only shown in the local market. I can’t recall a team ever buying a 1-2-minute (not sure if the original video was edited) spot during a game. The Eagles are going all-in on the #FlyEaglesFly hashtag, and it was chill-inducing to see that video during a euphoric first quarter.

Can’t keep up: This is what I wrote down for a sequence in the middle of the first quarter: interception!! punt to 2! safety!!

WE’RE KILLING THEM!! The Eagles special teams and defense are pushing the Redskins offense through the stands, out of FedEXField, and onto some reservation filled with pissed off Indians. Some sort of ritual sacrifice is being performed around RG III’s knee while Cary Williams throws wood on a nearby fire. OH THE HUMANITY!

Fakers: The Redskins suffered 702 muscle cramps during the ensuing drives. Somewhere, Jerry Jones is faux outraged and preparing his memo to the league complaining about Kelly’s up-tempo offense.

Read option: Let’s talk about this. The Eagles used it a lot, more than I thought they would. If you’re unfamiliar with how it works, we explained it here. There are basically two variations– one where the quarterback chooses to keep the ball or run, and another where he chooses to run or throw a screen pass.

By my unofficial observation, the Eagles used these plays quite frequently (the All-22 coaches’ video becomes available tomorrow). For the most part, Vick made the right decision to either keep or hand the ball off. There was one play where he nearly got Bryce Brown (or maybe it was McCoy– can’t remember) killed when the defender was clearly keying on the runner. But for the most part, the right call was made… and once it was… holy shit the combination of McCoy’s skill and elasticity and the offensive line’s unreal ability to create holes. We run the ball and it works! Fuck you, Andy Reid!!!

The screen pass option, though dangerous (if it’s a non-backwards pass backwards pass), creates a ton of open space for receivers. This is what offenses are supposed to look like, folks.

Hating Reid: Did I mention I hate him for robbing me of this for the last decade?

Three down linemen: WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!

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HolesGive a man a vagahina, and he will specchh for a day. CREATE A MASSIVE HOLE FOR THE MAN TO RUN THROUGH AND HE WILL SPECCHH FOR A LIFETIME!

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That was a touchdown.

Reid: I’m rage-hating him so hard.

Jon Gruden: At this point in the game, I could barely type notes, squeal and frighten my dog fast enough to keep up. Gruden had the same problem. He literally didn’t know how to turn Kelly’s offense into words. He was just making noises and pointing at things in a hurried fashion. He’s one zany formation away from exploding into a million pieces.

The Eagles ran 53 plays in the first half: The Steelers ran that many plays on Sunday.

Dr. James Andrews: By the end of the second quarter – when the Redskins’ drive went: completed pass, penalty, short pass, penalty and penalty, and they elected to have two 10-second clock runoffs just so they could get to the locker room – Dr. James Andrews looked like he was going to run onto the field, stuff RG III into a black leather medical briefcase, and not return him to Mike Shanahan until Shanahan found an offensive line that could block a beach ball from entering a narrow doorway.

Mike Tirico: “THE REDSKINS CAN’T GET A PLAY OFF, THE CLOCK JUST KEEPS TICKING. THEY’VE ELECTED TWO 10-SECOND RUNOFFS. THIS IS THE FIRST HALF WHITE FLAG.”

Twitter trends:

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Second half

SCONCES: I’m over it. Cary Williams can be the biggest douchebag he wants– if he sticks his receiver like that and makes ridiculous diving interceptions like that, he can stay.

Down goes Shanahan:

Vick_bowling

via Timothy Burke

Hating: My hate for Reid has expanded to include Jason Babin and Nnamdi Asomugha. What’s this– Connor Barwin chasing down plays from behind and Cary Williams backing up his talk?! WHY WERE WE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE THESE THINGS BEFORE? It’s like moving from a terrible relationship to a healthy one, only you knew the old relationship was bad but didn’t know how bad it was until you moved on. She… wears yoga pants ALL THE TIME, brings me food when I’m sick, AND CAN STICK A RECEIVER IN MAN COVERAGE?! Marry me. Now.

Fuck this guy: Here’s former ESPN NFC East blogger turned Giants blogger Dan Graziano, trolling Eagles fans hard:

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My response to his language Tweet, because I thought you would enjoy it:

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That sentiment still holds true this morning.

Gangs: DeSean may have thrown up a crip sign to DeAngelo Hall:

Free Subway: The Phillies Twitter guy would have been so proud of this Redskins Tweet that they squirted out while they still trailed 33-20:

Screen Shot 2013-09-10 at 9.54.05 AMTears: I agree with reader Jenny:

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http://youtu.be/xwndLOKQTDs

Chung: I don’t know what Patrick Chung was doing on the Redskins’ final touchdown that cut the lead to six, but he looked like a child attempting to catch an overthrown frisbee on a windy day at the beach:

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GUNN ON ONE: Derrick Gunn decided to fire out a plug to what has to be his son’s new pop song, Your Stupid Boyfriend, while the game was still in doubt:

OMG DERRICK! WATCH THE GAME!!

Gruden, again: “This [win] helps a coach– first game, getting on a plane.” The Eagles took a train to D.C.

Dorenbos: Jon is a funny guy, as evidenced by this exchange detailed in Jimmy Kempski’s gameday awards:

The Unorthodox Eating Award: Jon Dorenbos. I bothered Dorenbos while he was eating his dinner, and while I was asking him questions, he was buttering a roll, on the outside, without cutting it in half first. Dorenbos explained the rationale behind that. “I know it’s an aggressive move right now,” said Dorenbos, “but I’m just going all in, man. These [plastic] knives, they’ll break on you, so I’m just going balls deep.”

Balls deep– that seems like a good slogan for the Chip Kelly era.

Images used in this post where taken from many screen grabs sent to me and on Twitter

Other posts from the game:

First half recap

Redskins fan faux jerks off

Fletcher Cox checking out some cheerleader ass

Insane stats