I’m Getting Brewers Season Tickets So I Can Tell Ryan Braun to Go Fuck Himself

Screen Shot 2013-09-06 at 1.09.23 PMFrom some small market TV station:

CBS 58 has confirmed suspended Milwaukee Brewers Outfielder Ryan Braun is calling Brewers season ticket holders to apologize.

“Hey there’s a guy on the phone claiming to be Ryan Braun, it’s probably one of your buddies messing with you.”

That’s exactly what Kelly’s Bleachers owner Pat Guenther thought Thursday afternoon.

He picked up the phone thinking it’d be a joke.

“Hey Pat this is Ryan Braun,” Guenther recalls.  “Right then and there I knew it was his voice based on interviews I’ve seen on TV. I knew damn well it was his voice.”

So he did what anyone in the service industry would do.

“I said what can I do for you? He said, I messed up, in a nutshell, I messed up. I just want to reach out and say I’m sorry. I cut him off right there. I said you know Ryan, I think you’re an amazing athlete and this speaks volumes to your character to reach out to a small business owner like myself and let us know that you are going to do better.”

“Who hasn’t made a mistake? People move forward. I think that’s what Ryan is trying to do. He’s moving forward. He has no other option. Be better, help his ballclub win games and win the hearts of Brewers fans like he has for many, many years.”

The Brewers confirmed the team provided Braun with contact information for some season ticket holders at his request.

“He was very humble on the phone. He wanted to reach out and for him to do this is an act of kindness.  He wants the people of Wisconsin to support the Brewers and him.”

Guenther said he wants to meet Braun now that they’ve spoke on the phone.

FUCK this guy. Oh, you got a PR consultant to tell you that you should apologize to fans directly? Congratulations, dickmeat. Did your crisis manager have any advice on how to un-ruin a guy’s life? How about on how to take back a press conference on a pitcher’s mound in which you ruined said life? But no, everything will be forgiven now that you called a few blue collar Milwaukeans (word?) who were so caught off-guard by speaking to a real life celebrity shuttlecock that they sheepishly crumbled, not because you’re a good guy, but because you have a soft voice and big, blue eyes. And because their team needs back its juiced up meathead masher.

No joke, I’m legitimately contemplating getting Brewers season tickets just to hear from Braun myself. They can’t be more than, what, $400? That’s well worth it to tape the phone call, tell the guy to go fuck himself, and then post it on this website and take a warm swim in all that ad revenue. Really, if I get confirmation that he calls every season ticker holder, I’ll do it. That’s a business expense, and that makes our country g-g-g-g-g-great! Fuck you, Ryan Braun.

23 Comments

  1. Ryan Braun's Tiny Shriveled-Up Jew Balls

    September 6, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    I think there are a few of your faithful followers that would help defray said business expense. I’m not one of them, though. I needs me my cash for home stuffs.

  2. Kyle's used tampon

    September 6, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    There are plenty of people who would line up around the block to tell you to go fuck yourself.

  3. No you’re not

  4. Hey Kyle, GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU FUCKING DWEEB. PUT YOUR BONER AWAY FOR RYAN BRAUN, FUCKING BITCH…BTW YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE LINK TO THE INTERVIEW WITH RACIST HAYES YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

  5. Enough, Kyle. Now you’ve gotten stupid with your mad on for Braun. Okay, we know he was a bad dude, we get that, now grow up and move on. If you’re really serious about spending $400 bucks so you can get your rocks off from abusing Braun if he actually calls you, why not man up and donate that money to a Milwaukee food bank instead? Be an adult for a change and put that money to some truly good use.

  6. It’s pronounced “Mee-lei-wah-que” which is Algonquin for “the good land”.

  7. no need to give the guy sh!t for this. he’s trying. whether directed by a PR person or not, he’s trying to take care of his fans, and he doesn’t deserve to be shat on for that, no matter how bad of a person he is

  8. Kyle if you record a phone call with Braun, I’ll buy it off you for slightly more than $100.

  9. I’m sorry I got caught.

  10. Shut up about Ryan Braun already

  11. Your taking a page outta my book ? I pretty much read this website so I can tell you to go fuck off. Honestly why the hell are you so worried about Ryan Braun ? Why don’t you try focusing on real sports journalism ? Then maybe people would take you and your gossip website more serious.

  12. You fuck yourself a lot nowadays after you’ve realized that your wife got banged out by those black guys, huh? Just can’t bear to throw your pencil dick in that gigantic hallway anymore, right? Welp, good luck fapping… your wife will never be tight for you again!

  13. Missinellis Boyfriend

    September 6, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Kyle: GREAT WEBSITE, YOU TELL IT LIKE IT IS, GOOD JOB & THANK YOU !

  14. You are a very angry man-child.

  15. Anyone notice you can’t say J*w anymore on this site?
    Wtf

  16. Kyle, I’ll put up $100 towards the tix and have several friends who will come in too. And it’s just not Braun, everyone else is scum too. Bonds, Melky, Tejada, etc, etc.

  17. Candy from the Oak

    September 6, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    Can I say nig

  18. Hey Candy, “THE NEW SHERIFF IS A NIG”

  19. Fire Barkann!

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