Your Monday Morning Roundup: NFC EAST CHAMPIONS

Kyle Scott —  December 30, 2013 — 16 Comments

Voila_Capture899I’m not even sure what to say this morning. This horrible, terrible, completely forgettable sports year has done a 180 in its final days. It’s sort of like The Usual Suspects. That movie wasn’t awful leading up to its last 1%, the way the sports year has been, but it was in those final moments that every mundane, superfluous detail was reconciled and placed in proper context within the big picture. And so, every joke about the Flyers paying a Russian goalie $23 million to go away… every punchline of an Andrew Bynum joke that the Sixers were a part of… every swipe about the Eagles’ porous defense… every moronic shout that Chip Kelly and his offense won’t work in the NFL, like this column from media analcyst Heath Evans

Now that the Philadelphia Eagles have reeled in perhaps the biggest fish on the coaching market, I am going on the record calling Chip Kelly one of the worst hires in pro football history.

Yes, worse than Steve Spurrier, the old ball coach who is one of college football’s top offensive minds ever but who failed miserably in the NFL, going 12-20 in two seasons with the Washington Redskins (2002-03). Kelly, too, is a dynamic college head coach, but what he’s about to bring to the NFL simply won’t work.

… and this Tweet from Howard Eskin…

via (@danwerth)

via (@danwerth)

… all spun into a big Waterford-made ball and dropped onto the head of the previous 360 days.

Bryz beaten, poetically, in a shootout.

Bynum suspended for being an absolute loon. His quest to earn $41 million over three seasons by playing in about 40 games is over.

Eskin is sucking D:

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And the Eagles – thanks to a literal reversal of fortunes as Kyle Orton did his best Tony Romo and was just ever-so-slightly off on a slant pattern throw in the fourth quarter of a big game – are the NFC East Champions.

I’m now expecting Roy Halladay to announce that scientists have rebuilt his back and right arm, and for Ruben Amaro to complete a three-team blockbuster and acquire both Giancarlo Stanton and Mike Trout.

Suddenly, all the suffering and self-pity has been turned on its head, giving us the last laugh. Suddenly, sports are fun again. Suddenly… that barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois doesn’t exist.

Yes, we’re all Verbal Kint today, shedding our limp as we casually stroll to an awaiting car that will take us into 2014.

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Let’s hit it!

 

But first, a word from our sponsors:

Playoff gear. Get it right here. We’re From Philadelphia And We Fight and Fucking Score Points bangers right here:

Phillyfightlogo2

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A second run of Snow Bowl sweatshirts are available, too. Shop.

Naked girls. Our friends from Girls Of Philly are back, because you just can’t stop staring. They’ve added all new, local, nude, girls to their catalog. Recognize someone? Probably. Have a look. Link is mostly suitable for work, but after that, you’re on your own.

Shady. Meet him at the Sports Vault in the King of Prussia Mall tonight from 8 – 9 p.m. Details and tickets here.

Playoff tickets. We’ve got ‘em at Crossing Broad Tickets. They start at $165, with lower levels starting at around $215. Get ‘em now.

Always Shady. Already have one of our shirts? May I recommend Philly Phaithful’s It’s Always Shady in Philadelphia. Check it out.

 

The roundup:

Connor Barwin found Monty G still going strong outside the NovaCare Complex at 5 a.m.:

The Redskins fired Mike Shanahan today and the poor guy could barely make it to his own hanging:

Sort of resembles the scene at the NovaCare Complex 364 days ago. What a difference a year makes.

Top 10 worst moments of the Mike Shanahan era in Washington.

This:

via all of Twitter

via all of Twitter

The Constitution Center this morning:

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pic via the Constitution Center

Not quite as joyous in the Big D:

Cool feature on the Inquirer’s website about how Twitter saw the game.

The Sixers beat the Lakers last night and about 10, 9, 8, 7 people noticed.

Reuben Frank’s 10 observations from the big game.

The market for Eagles Super Bowl tickets is up 400% in two months.

Are the Phillies really in on Tanaka?

The Cowboys are still the Cowboys.

Evan Turner pissed off the Lakers with his 360 dunk to end the game:

Mike Ditka fell asleep on ESPN.

Busted Coverage’s best Playboy Playmate interviews of 2013.

Bill O’Brien may be leaving Penn State for the NFL.

Playoff tickets from the Eagles go on-sale tomorrow at noon.

A collection of Tweets and other nonsense from last night is after the jump.

Kyle Scott

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16 responses to Your Monday Morning Roundup: NFC EAST CHAMPIONS

  1. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand IM HARD

  2. No GIFs of those awkward hugs Christina Lurie was giving players after the game..Pretty sure Shady slipped her some tongue.

  3. I love Foles (I’m also an Arizona alum!) BUT he looks like the whitest kid in the world in that last picture with the hat.

  4. Kyle I support your t-shirt venture but I can’t help but think that last shirt says “FING SCREENPRINTS”. It doesn’t read well and I don’t think a typical Eagles fan (that doesn’t troll the internet for every source of Eagles info/Chip comments/etc) would have any clue what the fuck that meant. So someone with no knowledge of the Eagles or NFL would know what that meant.

    I’d pass on that shirt and find something else. Stay on stuff that looks like the Snowbowl shirt.

    • assholes who buy that shirt are starving for attention and want you to ask them what the fuck it means. Then they can be like “pfft, you dont know? then your ass better call somebody!!!!!”

    • “Fucking screenprints” is exactly what I thought that shirt said at first, too.

      I don’t see that one being a success.

  5. Suck a dick, Jerry!

  6. Candy from the Oak December 30, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Can see orton getting arrested for domestic violence charge by wildcard weekend

  7. That F’ing Scorepoints tee is terrible. Not even Reader Chelsea could make that one look good :(

  8. T-shirt is AWFUL. With that said, ‘FNING * SCORPTS’ would have been better.

  9. Slammin Gretzky’s Daughter December 30, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Hahaha Mike Ditka. Not surprised at all his geriatric ass fell asleep. 12:00 is probably past his nap time. I love how every Monday morning Mike and Mike bring him on and start asking about the Sunday night game. He tries to act like he knows what he’s saying but it’s clear his old ass fell asleep halfway through the first quarter. Someone needs to discount daaaaable check him into a retirement home and bring in someone else who can stay awake for games and isn’t so out of touch with the modern NFL.

  10. Orten’s Mullet December 30, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    Hey, ran into some pissed off eagle fans at airport. Even though they beat us, they got screwed by a Don Tollefson travel package! #Tixr4kids, #winningways! Goooooooood guys!

  11. howard eskins yarmulke December 30, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    That retard J Eskin puts his foot in his mouth more than a teething baby

  12. Damn… Barkley’s wife got some skinny legs. I’m guessin’ no ass, either. Woulda figured Matty B would have himself a curvy SoCal brunette… not a blonde twig. God bless him, though.

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