Photo credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

Photo credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

Look, I don’t want to overreact here, but, the Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl.

 

Sam Bradford

It is really hard to judge Bradford based on one run-heavy series where he overthrew Mudlegs Cooper, had a couple of other passes bobbled, and generally looked overly amped to be on a football field again. But, we can evaluate his game day demeanor, which to me falls somewhere between Bro Sanchez and “Dude, where’s my car?” Like if Van Wilder played football. Write that down.

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“DUUUUUUDE! COME ON!”

After the game he seemed a little too pissed over a questionable (but hardly vicious) hit from Terrell Suggs. I know Bradford is excited to be out on the field again and obviously touchy about the knee, but he’s got to move on now. It’s in his head right now, and you can’t win like that.

Still, the beat writers unanimously agree that he’s looked really good in training camp and is probably the best quarterback Chip Kelly has ever had. Which is scary, especially when you consider…

 

The running game

IT IS A THREE-HEADED MONSTER. OH MY GOD THAT MONSTER HAS THREE HEADS! AHHHH!!!!!

DeMarco Murray: I wrote this a few times last year, but I’ll say it again because I like to beat things to death– Murray falls forward better than any running back in the league. He can be stopped at the line of scrimmage and still get a six-yard gain just because he stumbles so well.

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McCoy didn’t do this, and the Eagles will be better if only because Murray is a Guaranteed Gainer™. But wait, there’s more:

Darren Sproles: Fuel still left in the EXSPROLSION™ tank! But just in case, there’s:

Ryan Mathews: The Closer™. Feel like he’s going to be a fantasy sleeper this year to punch the ball into the end zone on sweep and read plays from five yards out. He’s got a cranium on our monster’s shoulders. But, wait, what is that little pimple coming off the neckular area? Is that… yet another head?

Kenjon Barner: He’s got 44 rushing yards in 10 attempts and two touchdown returns in two games. My favorite thread of the preseason might be the Kenjon Barner is forcing his way onto the roster thread. Yet another Duck who seems to quack loudest for Papa Chip, who oh by the way hates black people:

https://twitter.com/tbfuhrman/status/635245572413386752/video/1

 

The receivers

Write this down, too: Jordan Matthews and Nelson Agholor might be the next Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne. Love these two. Look like total pros. Agholor may be better than Matthews. We’re going to forget very quickly about Jeremy Maclin and…

 

Riley Cooper

He sucks. He absolutely sucks. The first pass of the game which appeared to be overthrown by Bradford probably would’ve been caught by any receiver whose legs aren’t stuck in mud unless they’re trying to commit a hate crime at a Kenny Chesney concert. Come on, Cooper, RUN.

 

Defense

Baltimore looked awful and Joe Flacco’s second pick to Byron Maxwell could’ve been caught by a seven-year-old. But, the first pick, deflected by Nolan Carroll, who was all over Kamar Aiken, and intercepted by Walter Thurmond III was a thing of beauty and excellently broken down by Greg Cossell on the Eagles’ website. I thought Mike Mayock – who did a great job calling the game last night and is like the football version of Pierre McGuire if Pierre McGuire wasn’t an asshole – was going to sprout a chub at that play. The defense also got good pressure up front. Now, let’s see what happens when the linebackers come back.

 

Tim Tebow

Oh, he’s not good. He reads progressions like me in Madden— find main receiver, is he covered? Yep. PANIC AND POUND ON R2! Mike Mayock has such disdain for his game it’s not even funny. At one point, when Tebow nearly scored a touchdown (diving near the pylon on a play that was overturned), Mayock laid into him because Tebow had a WIDE-OPEN receiver in the end zone. I mean, wide open. Like, the seas parted for an easy TD pass but Tebow opted to walk on the water instead and was then tackled by the Egyptians before he could safely reach the goal line.

 

Howard Eskin Beats headphones color of the game

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Orange.

Yes, Howard, we see you.