What a terrible football game.

The Eagles won and that is great and they’ll probably be tied for first at 4-2 after six games. [So far, every one of my predictions has been wrong: Win, win, lose. Result: Lose, lose, win.] But that was bad (offensive) football yesterday, from both sides. The Eagles did enough to win, but there are still glaring problems, major concerns, a frightened quarterback, timing problems, an awful kicker, and Riley Cooper.

Hello. I’m Negative Nancy Kyle Scott, and I have cable.

 

The offense overall

Anything – literally anything – would’ve been better than last week. Jason Kelce could’ve ran out onto the field, lined up for the first play, and instead of snapping the ball, merely pulled his pants down and taken a dump, and it would’ve already been a better performance for the Birds than the Cowboys game. So I’d consider 24 points a genuine favor from God as a thanks for Philly accommodating the Pope and his many followers.

The offense line was… improved? The pass blocking was very strong. Lots of time for Confused Zoo Animal Sam Bradford (more on him later). Run blocking was hit and miss. They opened up more holes than last week, but also benefitted from Darren Sproles’ shiftiness – something the Eagles can’t count on every week lest they seek to destroy Darren – and a strong performance from Ryan Mathews, who had one hell of a day but showed signs of tiring with a fumble and dropped wheel route (more on that later, too). The line still struggled mightily on sweep plays, like they did against the Cowboys. They just don’t appear to be getting the downhill push they’ve gotten in previous years. And as much as Chip Kelly supposedly covets a north-south, downhill runner, it became clear without DeMarco Murray yesterday that shiftier backs like LeSean McCoy, Sproles and Mathews can mask a missed block or two in this offense. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little concerned about how Murray is going to fit behind this line this season.

There’s no pace to the offense. The tempo for which Chip has become famous is virtually gone. There were several instances of Bradford nervously taking the play clock down to zero (I believe one delay of game penalty). I don’t know if it’s the officials, the fact that the Eagles have faced good defenses two weeks in a row, Bradford, or what, but there’s no trademark pace, and that compounds all the other issues.

That said, it’s impressive that the Eagles won handily – game wasn’t as close as the score – when you consider that only one wide receiver, Jordan Matthews, caught a pass:

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That’s it. That was the whole passing game. Riley Cooper is more blocker than receiver. Miles Austin refuses to catch a pass. Nelson Agholor was the victim of a good secondary.

Credit the Eagles for a great game plan, though.

UPDATE: Maybe I’m letting my negativity influence me, and I’m unfairly glossing over the fact that the Jets have a really good defense.

 

Darren Sproles

https://youtu.be/UWkqdFE7RbY

AN EXSPROLSION!!!!!!!!

Dude is a monster. Like last year – and I suppose most of his career – Sproles was there to give the Eagles a big play just when they needed it. That punt return was stupid. Five legit missed tackles. This wasn’t a return man finding a hole and taking it. Sproles dug his own, jumped in it, and burrowed through to China. Truly a remarkable return, with just shades of Brian Westbrook streaking down the far sideline… which is funny, because the Eagles used that play as a rallying cry in their video this week.

Besides that, Sproles, despite a few losses, shouldered some of the load early on, scored a touchdown, and kept the defense honest coming out of the backfield. He also dropped a wheel route (but, you guessed it, more on that later).

The only issue with Sproles is that the Eagles can’t overuse him or count on him to bail them out every week. He might win a couple of games virtually on his own, but they’ll need more all-around consistency, especially when you consider that Sproles is, like, 604. [Actually, he’s 32– same age as me. And now I feel old.]

It seemed that when he slowed down last year, so, too, did the Eagles. Please use your Sproles only in the manner in which was intended, is what the fine print of the S-8 Mini says.

 

Sam Bradford

Color me concerned.

He continues to make a lot of bad throws. Wobbly throws. Throws at the feet. Throws behind the receiver. Throws into the ground. Blue throws. Red throws. Glue throws. Bed throws.

For a guy who is known for his supposed pinpoint accuracy, Bradford has been a huge letdown. Even on completed passes he frequently fails to lead receivers or puts them in position to get killed after the catch. He can’t run, we haven’t seen a deep threat yet, there’s no tempo… so you’re left asking Sam:

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He struggles with timing, too. Here’s what’s supposed to be a quick pass to Sproles:

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Bradford hesitates, Sproles runs what I’m assuming was an option route, and then gets tackled for no gain:

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Had Bradford thrown the ball immediately, Sproles would’ve had enough time to make a play.

 

It could be worse

Ryan Fitzpatrick is a terrible person. He’s awful. Even his completed passes – even his touchdown pass – looked like untied balloons, farting their way around an empty room. If not for Brandon Marshall – who is an idiot, and not only tried a ridiculous lateral, but also backed himself out of a first down later in the game – Fitzpatrick may not have completed a pass beyond five yards. Where Bradford is an offensive damper, Fitzpatrick is a full-on shutoff valve. He stinks.

 

Brandon Marshall

From ESPN.com:

“Oh my gosh,” Marshall said when asked about the lateral. “Wrong time to gamble. I was pressing. Trying to make a play but can’t do that. That was probably [the] worst play in NFL history.”

Yep.

 

The wheel play

My God I love this play and it can’t be stopped. It’s the one the Eagles ran four consecutive times against the Falcons. They should’ve had three touchdowns with it yesterday.

1) Touchdown

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Vintage.

2) Mathews drop

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This wasn’t all on Mathews. As per the usual, Bradford threw behind him.

3) Sproles drop

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Actually a good pass. Gotta catch that.

All three should’ve been touchdowns. This play is unstoppable. Not sure if defenses will ever catch on.

 

Ryan Mathews

What a day. He tired by the end, and coughed up what could’ve been a costly fumble, showing that he just about reached his limit for a given day. Like Sproles, you probably can’t use him this much every week, but he brought with him a different dimension than Murray and is a completely capable starting back. If the Eagles can get their blocking game right and if Murray is even something that resembles a feature back, they should be unstoppable. But those are big ifs.

 

Mile Austin

GET OPEN! CREATE SEPARATION! YOU ARE AWFUL!

 

The defense

Really good. Maybe even great, but it’s hard to know for sure when Ryan Fitzpatrick and his dumb beard are on the other side. The Eagles’ defense got good pressure up front all day, prevented any sort of running game, kept dopey Brandon Marshall in check, and made some big plays, all without Kiko Alonso, Mychal Kendricks and Cedric Thornton. Individually…

 

Brandon Bair

I counted at least three tipped passes, one of which led to an interception:

BAIR CLAWS!

BAIR CLAWS!

Great game from him.

 

Carroll 2 and Thurmond 3

Good game from both of them. They look like legitimate NFL secondary players. Picture says it all on this tipped interception:

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Making the lineages proud, these II are.

 

Eric Rowe

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Unbelievable coverage on this interception. Easily his best game as a pro.

 

 

Byron Maxwell

Didn’t hear his name much, which I suppose is a good thing. But of course the first time you noticed him, it was for holding… and then holding again. And then for the most token tackle attempt ever:

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Oh yeah, the Cary Williams is so strong with him. He covered well yesterday, but he’s probably going to do one or two things per game that will to make you hate him. He screams “I GOT MY MONEY Y’ALL F OFF!”

 

Cody Parkey

I’m highly concerned about this human being. He makes Sam Bradford look like a great mythical warrior out there. No confidence. His kickoffs are just brutal. He struggles to reach the end zone… the front of it.

[OK so he’s “hurt.” Maybe that explains it.]

 

Graphical representation

From reader Dominic:

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Don’t put the Eagles out to the glue factory just yet.