In today’s New York Daily News, to coincide with the Pope’s impending visit, there was a piece on “10 Commandments broken by [Philadelphia] sports fans.” It’s a good, fun idea. In fact, I wish I thought of it. But it’s just too bad that they don’t know what the commandments mean.

For example, the Daily News opens with the commandment “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” Basically, this mean’s don’t lie. So, of course, the NYDN used … Pukemon?

Matthew Clemmens’ friend was thrown out of the game for being belligerent in front of a man and his 11-year-old daughter.

To get back at them, Clemmens, a Phillies fan, took matters into his own fingers and purposely vomited in their direction.

It turned out that the elder victim of the puke attack, fellow Phillies fan Michael Vangelo, was an off-duty police captain. Clemmens was charged with assault, reckless endangerment, disorderly conduct and held on $36,000 bail.

Nope, no lies in there (sadly). They also address “Thou shalt not make false idols” by mentioning how bad (and racist) Phillies fans were to Dick Allen, which is the exact opposite of making a false idol. Here are some more:

  • “Thou shalt not covet” – Throwing batteries at J.D. Drew
    • We didn’t covet him, we just hated him.
  • “You shall have no other gods before Me” – Guy fighting Tie Domi in the penalty box
    • I don’t even get this. It’s not “Thou shalt not try to fight out of your league.”
  • “You shall not commit adultery” – Woman offers sex for World Series tickets
    • She wasn’t married, just an entrepreneur.
  • “Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy” – Snowballs at Santa
    • Okay, you got us there, but let it go already.
  • “You shall not take the name of God in vain” – Fans fight the St. Louis Blues in 1972
    • Again, this doesn’t even come close to applying
  • “Thou shalt not steal” – Fan steals Sonny Forrest Jr.’s prosthetic leg
    • Goddamn they got us on that one.

Look, I get it. Slow days can lead to all kinds of stretches about what you should/can/will write just to get something done. But this doesn’t even come close to making sense. It’s forced and it comes up short by miles. They did really nail it on the snowballs and fake leg ones though.