The Flyers are apparently playing hockey games already. Preseason ones. You may or may not have known this. Anyway, it’s September hockey, quite possible the least exciting and most meaningless version of professional sport that there is.

Randy Miller is drawing sweeping conclusions.

In what borders on a Buzzfeed parody, former AFL China sideline reporter Randy Miller, now with NJ.com, wrote a real, actual column with the headline: Is Flyers’ preseason choke to Rangers a bad omen? Here are 5 reasons to worry:

There usually a lot of celebs at Madison Square Garden for Rangers games, and it would have been fitting if Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell had been in the crowd for Monday night’s exhibition.

After all, it was Groundhog Day for the Flyers.

If that wasn’t hacky enough, it gets worse when you consider that the Flyers had just won three-straight (Streit?) games, one of which was against the Rangers.

2. Mason again showed that he can be as good as just about any goalie in the league … while again showing breakaways are his Achilles. He was terrible last season in shootouts and burned Monday by Keith Yandle on an overtime penalty shot. Mason was beat high blocker side, a spot he’s been burned a lot in the past.

Miller, who likes to hear himself write (I imagine it sounds like damp Cheetos being sifted through worn belt notches), ticked of reasons to WORRY such as the Flyers’ poor defensive play, Steve Mason – who played brilliantly, stopping 41 of 44 shots – getting beat on a penalty shot in overtime, Vinny Lecavalier, and – my favorite – how Sean Couturier’s and Michael Raffl’s reportedly very minor injuries could get worse because “minor issues can turn into something more.”

4. Two of the Flyers’ top-6 forwards are banged up, as second-line center Sean Couturier is sidelined with an upper-body injury and top-line left wing Michael Raffl left Monday’s game with an upper-body injury. It’s believed these injuries aren’t serious, but minor issues can turn into something more. Couturier, officially listed day-to-day, has sat out two games in a row. It’s believed Raffl was injured during the second period Monday when he was checked hard into the corner boards by Rangers defenseman Ryan McDonagh.

Miller is everything that is wrong with sports writing.