https://youtu.be/FLhJgW6NHOU

The start

As a blogger with an aversion to writing more words than is necessary, I do appreciate EDP’s ability to cut to the chase: “Hey Chip, let me ask you a f*cking question that I’m pretty sure the entire goddamn Eagles fan-base would like to ask you, motherf*cker – and I hope they skin your f*cking b*tch ass alive at that f*cking bullsh*t-ass press conference your punk-motherf*cking ass is gonna be giving at the end of this game – let me ask you this: How in the f*ck do you let a motherf*cking rookie quarterback, known as Jameis Winston from Florida State, let him march his punk-motherf*cking rookie ass in our motherf*cking stadium?”

The Billy Davis evisceration

I had no idea you could snort redneck, but that does seem to be one way that Bernie Sanders could appeal to southern voters in a general election: “And as a matter of fact, Chip, take Billy Davis, that punk-ass motherf*cking redneck snorting ‘I wanna sit back and skin deer on my motherf*cking farm and shove carrots up the motherf*cker’s cornhole’ and sh*t? Take that mark-ass motherf*cker with you. Take that motherf*cker. Take the whole motherf*cking coaching staff with you, b*tch. We don’t want you here in Philly no more, my n****.”

The Mike Evans touchdown critique

Gotta say, EDP’s description of the secondary when the ball is in the air is pretty spot-on: “Oh and by the way, Mike Evans, shout out to you my n****, because you made this defense look like a motherf*cking fool just like all the other goddamn … mmmmm … just like all the other motherf*cking teams love doing. My n**** Jameis Winston drops pack and throws a pass, I think it was like a forty-yard f*ckin, twenty to twenty-five yard pass to f*ckin’…uh…to f*ckin’ Mike Evans, catches the ball. Three f*cking Eagles, are right there just lookin’ … [Tim Allen Home Improvement grunt noises] … ‘What the f*ck, bro? Where’s the motherf*cker bwaaaaa? Duhbwaauuhhh? OhohohohoOHOHohohohoHOH. Oh what’s that black thing in the air, is that a football?’ No, it’s your motherf*cking head b*tch, that I kick off with my size 15 motherf*cking shoe, b*tch.”

The fucking of Chip Kelly

Just a strong take here: “But everybody … ey … everybody wanna sit back and ‘OH MY GOD, CHIP KELLY, GIVE HIM ANOTHER YEAR.’ You know what? f*ck Chip Kelly. Him and his motherf*cking n****s he brought in. f*ck you, Chip. Get the f*ck out of goddamn Philly.

The moment where you thought he might have a heart attack but then realized that, if he did, who would’ve uploaded the video?

Don’t get diabetes, kids:

The Connor Barwin rant

Mr. Barwin appears to be the least of the Eagles’ problems, but there’s no escaping EDP’s wrath, especially when you drop two would-be interceptions: “Connor Barwin look like uh … Connor Barwin? I got his f*cking jersey, lookin’ like a f*cking b*tch out there also. What’s up Connor? I f*ck witchu my n****, but you lookin’ like a motherf*cking b*tch-ass p*ssy motherf*cker out there also, dude. n**** dropped two motherf*cking picks, dude. One of ’em coulda been a pick six n****, you dropped the b*tch. I know goddamn well n**** you don’t play motherf*cking def … you don’t play offense n****, but you lookin’ like a b*tch also. How the f*ck is the ball right in your motherf*cking hands n**** and you still drop it? I know you’re not a receiver but goddamn n**** it’s right in your f*cking hands and you still drop it, cuz? Everything got me f*cked up, man.”

The plan to get on a plane, punch Chip Kelly in the face, knock his teeth out, bleed him all over Xfinity Live!

This seems like a potential misdemeanor, and a sure felony if EDP goes through with it: “I oughta get on a plane right now to Philly and sock you in your motherf*cking mouth, b*tch. I oughta lay your motherf*cking punk-ass leaking all over that motherf*cking Xfinity Live. I oughta bust you square in your motherf*cking mouth, b*tch. I oughta knock all your motherf*cking teeth out. Leave your punk motherf*cking ass leaking out up in the middle of the street b*tch.”

The plan to light Chip Kelly’s house on fire

Somebody call 911, shawty fire… burning down Chip Kelly’s house: “‘Well you can’t fire Chip, he bought a house in Philly.’ Motherf*cker, I will take a f*cking match, and a bucket of gasoline, and I will light that motherf*cker on fire with that punk-ass motherf*cker in it. I don’t give a f*ck about yo house n****. You a motherf*cking millionaire. f*ck you and your goddamn house. I’ll burn that motherf*cker down to the ground motherf*cker, and won’t think twice about that sh*t.”

The Todd Bowles aside as justification for why EDP is not a racist

EDP doesn’t see color. Well, sort of: “‘Oh EDP you’re a racist motherf*cker.’ Motherf*cker I said the same thing about motherf*cking uh … Todd Bowles, that blacker than brub…up….mmmmmm…I can’t even talk straight. That blacker than asphalt motherf*cker when he was our interim defensive coordinator. Ask that punk motherf*cker if he wants to go to Popeye’s my n****. And get him some goddamn biscuits and sh*t. His greasy-ass fingers matching that greasy-ass motherf*cking black, shinier than a motherf*cking tar-baby ass head of his.”

The oath to protect against all enemies foreign and goddamn domestic

I can only assume that Chip Kelly never took a military oath, but I really can’t argue with this oration: “Home field, motherf*cker, you took a goddamn oath to defend this motherf*cking turf against all motherf*cking enemies. Foreign, and goddamn domestic, n****. And you let this punk-motherf*cking b*tch, Jameis Winston, come into our motherf*cking house and drop five f*cking touchdown passes on us. Setting a goddamn rookie record – tying it, setting it, I don’t f*cking know.”

The Mark Sanchez taco stop

Look, I’m just gonna shoot straight here. I don’t know if it’s because he lives in I think southern California, but EDP’s command of Hispanic inflection is flat-out impressive. I spent a week in Mexico trying to nail this down and I couldn’t even get gracias right. Gratzeeass, like a fucking gringo. But EDP just slaughtered the pronunciation on these Mexican foodstuffs: “You get rid of Nick Foles but you keep Mark Sanchez, that turnover motherf*cker. That fraud-ass motherf*cker. That motherf*cking bean-eating frijole flipping motherf*cker. n**** you wanna go in the motherf*cking taco truck, Mark? You wanna go to the taco truck and get some motherf*cking cielito, some ceviche, some f*cking chorizo? You want some of that f*cking sh*t?”

Here’s the full rant. Thanks to Jim on the transcribe:

Hey Chip, let me ask you a f*cking question that I’m pretty sure the entire goddamn Eagles fan-base would like to ask you, motherf*cker – and I hope they skin your f*cking b*tch ass alive at that f*cking bullsh*t-ass press conference your punk-motherf*cking ass is gonna be giving at the end of this game – let me ask you this: How in the f*ck do you let a motherf*cking rookie quarterback, known as Jameis Winston from Florida State, let him march his punk-motherf*cking rookie ass in our motherf*cking stadium? Home field, motherf*cker, you took a goddamn oath to defend this motherf*cking turf against all motherf*cking enemies. Foreign, and goddamn domestic, n****. And you let this punk-motherf*cking b*tch, Jameis Winston, come into our motherf*cking house and drop five f*cking touchdown passes on us. Setting a goddamn rookie record – tying it, setting it, I don’t f*cking know.
Forty-five to seventeen, motherf*cker. And you’re just sitting there, on the sideline with that b*tch-ass ugly motherf*cking look you got on your face. I oughta get on a plane right now to Philly and sock you in your motherf*cking mouth, b*tch. I oughta lay your motherf*cking punk-ass leaking all over that motherf*cking Xfinity Live. I oughta bust you square in your motherf*cking mouth, b*tch. I oughta knock all your motherf*cking teeth out. Leave your punk motherf*cking ass leaking out up in the middle of the street b*tch. That’s on some real motherf*cking sh*t. And as a matter of fact, Chip, take Billy Davis, that punk-ass motherf*cking redneck snorting ‘I wanna sit back and skin deer on my motherf*cking farm and shove carrots up the motherf*cker’s cornhole’ and sh*t? Take that mark-ass motherf*cker with you. Take that motherf*cker. Take the whole motherf*cking coaching staff with you, b*tch. We don’t want you here in Philly no more, my n****.

 

Get the f*ck out of here, b*tch. f*ck you and them hoe-ass n****s you with. Let me get to the f*cking game:

 

Mark Sanchez, you’re a f*cking b*tch. I don’t know how the f*ck you’re still on this goddamn team, but we trade Nick Foles and we keep Mark Sanchez. How the f*ck does that work? Uh, Chip …Chip … urghhhh … stutterin’ like a b*tch … ERGHUUGH … How the f*ck does that work, Chip? Huh? You get rid of Nick Foles but you keep Mark Sanchez, that turnover motherf*cker. That fraud-ass motherf*cker. That motherf*cking bean-eating frijole flipping motherf*cker. n**** you wanna go in a f*cking taco truck, Mark? You wanna go to the taco truck and get a motherf*cking cielito, some ceviche, some f*cking chorizo? You want some of that f*cking sh*t? ‘Oh EDP you’re a racist motherf*cker.’ Motherf*cker I said the same thing about motherf*cking uh … Todd Bowles, that blacker than brub…up….mmmmmm…I can’t even talk straight. That blacker than asphalt motherf*cker when he was our interim defensive coordinator. Ask that punk motherf*cker if he wants to go to Popeye’s my n****. And get him some goddamn biscuits and sh*t. His greasy-ass fingers matching that greasy-ass motherf*cking black, shinier than a motherf*cking tar-baby ass head of his.

 

Mark Sanchez, you’re a b*tch dude. Yo how the f*ck … n**** … you throw, I think you threw three picks. How the f*ck you throw a garbage time pick is beyond me my n****. Mmkay. You come in here, Mark Sanchez throws a pick six at the end of the game to seal it, forty-five to seventeen. We get our ass trounced on at home, defense can’t stop a motherf*cking nosebleed. This sorry-ass defense is letting motherf*ckers off the line of scrimmage easy as f*ck, ain’t even challenging the n****s. You feel me?

 

Oh and by the way, Mike Evans, shout out to you my n****, because you made this defense look like a motherf*cking fool just like all the other goddamn … mmmmm … just like all the other motherf*cking teams love doing. My n**** Jameis Winston drops pack and throws a pass, I think it was like a forty-yard f*ckin, twenty to twenty-five yard pass to f*ckin’…uh…to f*ckin’ Mike Evans, catches the ball. Three f*cking Eagles, are right there just lookin’ … [Tim Allen Home Improvement grunt noises] … ‘What the f*ck, bro? Where’s the motherf*cker bwaaaaa? Duhbwaauuhhh? OhohohohoOHOHohohohoHOH. Oh what’s that black thing in the air, is that a football?’ No, it’s your motherf*cking head b*tch, that I kick off with my size 15 motherf*cking shoe, b*tch. You like that sh*t? Just lookin and sh*t. ‘Uhuhihhohohohoh Oh I wonder what that f*cking brown thing is, that oval bwaahhuhuuhh bwuh bwuhhhh.’ Looking like a silly, clumsy-ass silly, clown-ass looking clumsy b*tch. Yeah, that’s right Byron Maxwell, you too, you punk-ass motherf*cker. You f*cking bust-ass motherf*cker free agency f*cking n****.

 

This team is a f*cking disgrace, man. It’s a f*cking disgrace, dude. Um, we fall to four and six, what a garbage-ass motherf*cking team this is dude. And the way I see it, when Chip Kelly came here in 2013, he took the Eagles to the f*cking playoffs right? With Andy Reid’s f*cking players. ‘Oh well, uh … uh … well you can’t really say it was all Andy Reid because … uh … Chip Kelly implemented…’ Yeah I know the motherf*cker implemented his goddamn system. I know the motherf*cker implemented n**** that flawed-ass f*cking that broke-down-ass f*cking system. Look at the system now, motherf*cker. Look at the system now. That system sucks motherf*cking cock, n****. The sh*t has been f*cking exposed. It’s been f*cking exposed my n****, god-f*cking-damn. You got DeMarco Murray, running the goddamn ball I think it’s f*cking umm east and west on some LeSean McCoy sh*t. And DeMarco Murray is a north and south runner. Plug it up the f*cking hole on some Adrian Peterson-type sh*t. You trade the whole motherf*cking roster, Chip. And now you’ve got some sorry-ass motherf*cking team n**** that was worse than what the f*ck they were last year. But everybody … ey … everybody wanna sit back and ‘OH MY GOD, CHIP KELLY, GIVE HIM ANOTHER YEAR.’ You know what? f*ck Chip Kelly. Him and his motherf*cking n****s he brought in. f*ck you, Chip. Get the f*ck out of goddamn Philly. I don’t give a f*ck who the f*ck hears me outside. Get this Butterbean looking motherf*cker the f*ck outta here. f*ck this b*tch, man. Talkin’ bout ohwuh, ‘Well you can’t fire Chip, he bought a house in Philly.’ Motherf*cker, I will take a f*cking match, and a bucket of gasoline, and I will light that motherf*cker on fire with that punk-ass motherf*cker in it. I don’t give a f*ck about yo house n****. You a motherf*cking millionaire. f*ck you and your goddamn house. I’ll burn that motherf*cker down to the ground motherf*cker, and won’t think twice about that sh*t.

 

Defense lookin’ like a bunch of scrub-ass motherf*ckers, man. Only thing that’s f*cking good – SOMEWHAT good about this goddamn defense – what, the defensive line? What, three motherf*ckers? Because you run a 3-4? Fletcher Cox, Bennie Logan, and what’s the other motherf*cker? Cedric Thornton? Connor Barwin look like uh … Connor Barwin? I got his f*cking jersey, lookin’ like a f*cking b*tch out there also. What’s up Connor? I f*ck witchu my n****, but you lookin’ like a motherf*cking b*tch-ass p*ssy motherf*cker out there also, dude. n**** dropped two motherf*cking picks, dude. One of ’em coulda been a pick six n****, you dropped the b*tch. I know goddamn well n**** you don’t play motherf*cking def … you don’t play offense n****, but you lookin’ like a b*tch also. How the f*ck is the ball right in your motherf*cking hands n**** and you still drop it? I know you’re not a receiver but goddamn n**** it’s right in your f*cking hands and you still drop it, cuz? Everything got me f*cked up, man.

 

Get Mark Sanchez the f*ck outta here. Okay? Get Riley Cooper outta here. Gut this whole motherf*cking team. I called up my n**** Delya, and she’s like ‘No No No, I think you gotta’ … shoutout to her … ‘You gotta give Chip another f*cking year, yeah ladudududuh.’ EYY! f*ck giving that n**** another year, you smell me? f*ck that n**** and the motherf*cking hoe-ass n****s he brought in this b*tch. Because we f*cking suck right now, dude. His goddamn system is flawed, exposed, it’s a piece of f*cking sh*t. You try to bring a goddamn, college-type motherf*cking offense up in the league, that sh*t ain’t gonna work. My n**** Delya, this is the motherf*cking pros, my n****. This is the big leagues. This ain’t no bullsh*t-ass motherf*cking pop warner sh*t. You feel me? f*ck it, I’m done, I’m done, f*ck this team, dude.

 

138 F-bombs.