Holy shit Carson why are you in a bathroom at a New Jersey gas station in the first place? Didn’t anybody bother to give you the lay of the land– namely, only go into Jersey for the Shore, to get to New York, and cheap liquor. And never, ever stop anywhere along the way unless you’re particularly moved by a seedy roadside strip club or pool supplies store. They pump the gas for you anyway, so all the more reason to stay in the damn car. I once got out of the car a New Jersey gas station – at the Farley rest stop on the Atlantic City Expressway on the way home from the Shore – and it was the worst experience of my life. I’ll save the gory details for the podcast, but let’s just say I returned to Ocean City without my boxers and socks.

As best as I can tell, this is the worst bathroom-locking incident since that fraud Johnny Quinn got locked in a restroom in Sochi during the 2014 Olympics. Quinn, the bobsledder, became insta-famous for the Tweet showing how he broke out of a bathroom and is now a public speaker with an improbably hot wife:

Here’s the thing: I think he’s full of shit. How the fuck does a bobsledder become a notable public speaker, make the rounds on the late-night talk show circuit, and remain even remotely relevant after the winter games? By concocting a story that he was locked in a bathroom to capitalize on all the ridiculous Sochi stories – remember the Jimmy Kimmel video? – ensuring yourself publicity and a convenient story to tell on your fraudulent journey:

I’m convinced he made it up. That’s my theory– American hero Johnny Quinn is a fraud.

Anyway, the only way things could’ve gone worse for Carson is if there was a tapping foot under his stall… and if that tapping foot was connected to a surgery-scarred leg belonging to one Sam Bradford.