This Thursday is a big day for Bryan Colangelo. After the twisty-turny, shady road that led him being named the Sixers’ GM, he’ll have his first chance to actually generally manage. He’s going to pick Ben Simmons #1, but will he trade Jahlil Okafor? Nerlens Noel? A couple of picks? FRANKLIN? No one knows. He can set himself up for success or failure. But the Inquirer’s Keith Pompey thinks he’s already a beautiful, well-dressed genius whose spermicides are worth of one’s grammatical lips:

If you want to write about how this is Colangelo’s chance to turn the Sixers around, ignoring the fact that he wouldn’t be able to do so without the work of his predecessor, that’s fine. But this meandering, masturbatory profile reads like a bulleted list of compliments that Pompey fleshed out into a profile. Here’s Pompey talking about how brilliant Bryan and Jerry are, about things that have nothing to do with basketball:

“It’s obvious that the Colangelos are considered by many the first family of not just Phoenix but the state of Arizona. They are credited with making Phoenix a great professional sports town and revitalizing the downtown…

[Jerry] wasn’t afraid to hand out lucrative contracts as owner of the Diamondbacks, which led to their winning the 2001 World Series. And he was a visionary in opening the American West Arena in a dicey and underdeveloped Phoenix downtown in 1992. That arena led to the influx of businesses that led to the downtown’s morphing into a popular destination.”

Cool. Thank God Jerry is here to fix the Phillies, revitalize our downtown, and build us a new arena. So what about basketball?

“Some critics look at Bryan Colangelo as an impeccably dressed daddy’s boy. They say he was given every job that he’s had – including this one – because of his family ties.

While he is perhaps one of the NBA’s best-dressed executives, he is far from a daddy’s boy. The Colangelos have distinct personalities.

Jerry is more approachable and open than his son. Bryan is guarded, and appears to be a little standoffish.

But . . .

“Once people get to know me,” Bryan Colangelo said, “I have young people say to me all the time, ‘I never knew you were like that. I only heard things.'”

Bryan Colangelo is not a daddy’s boy. He’s got nice suits. And on top of all that, he’s not standoffish, according to Bryan Colangelo. But that’s not all. Did you know that if you look at your watch right now, it’s actually COLANGELO TIME?

“Those bold moves are meant to turn the Sixers from Sam Hinkie’s laughingstock into Bryan Colangelo’s Eastern Conference contender within a couple of seasons. While Colangelo says little publicly about his actual plan, the blueprint is clear.

It’s time to win…

The NBA draft is Thursday, and that is Colangelo time. It’s the time for trades and deals and talk that the “future is now.”

And that means it’s really Colangelo time.”

Yes, Sam Hinkie was known for his wheeling and dealing, especially on draft day. In Hinkie’s three drafts, he moved picks and players, including Jrue Holiday(!), for Nerlens Noel, Dario Saric, and more picks. But that’ll be NOTHING compared to what Colangelo is gonna do. Why? Because Keith Pompey says so:

“The expectation is the mind-blowing, draft-day deals that Sam Hinkie made could be nothing more than footnotes to the reshaping of the franchise that Colangelo is about to undertake, especially with his father as a consultant.”

Bryan and Jerry are gonna out-Hinkie Hinkie. Acquiring Nerlens, Dario, future first round picks, and more will barely be remembered. Instead we’ll remember [insert trade that has not happened yet here] and [insert signing that hasn’t happened yet]. Colangelo & Sons is the real architect of the winning Sixers team. And Bryan is “the most focused, hardworking guy I ever met,” says Jerry Colangelo’s lawyer. Seriously. Pompey quoted the former “general counsel for all of Jerry Colangelo’s sports franchises and sports facilities,” basically to say “my friend’s son is a hard working boy.” WHAT A SOURCE.

It’s very possible that Colangelo will go out on Thursday and make a showstopping, team-shaking deal to put the Sixers further down the path towards being a contender. I hope he does. But he hasn’t done a single thing yet, and we’re already crowning him the 51-year-old boy genius of Philadelphia. The beats and columnists are so glad that King Joffrey (Sam Hinkie) is out of the picture that they’re praising the new King Tommen, even though he’s just a wet blanket in a crown. We used to have to wait until someone actually did something to crown them a genius. Not anymore.

Kyle: The media is being kind to Colangelo because he talks to them. That’s it. There’s no objectivity here whatsoever. Worse, Pompey sucks. He’s terrible. Seriously, maybe the worst beat writer in the city. He makes Sam Carchidi look like a sage observer of sport. In absence of Colangelo doing… basically anything with the Sixers as of yet, this sort of a fawning look is embarrassing. Make no mistake, every “team source” Pompey quotes will 100% be from Colangelo’s gaping mouth.