Cole Hamels was probably pretty excited to pitch in an All-Star Game in his hometown last night. So excited, in fact, that he fell on his fucking face and required 8 stitches just 12 hours before no one tuned in to watch the game on FOX:

To avoid lawsuits from potential Cole Hamels’s in the future, hotels gotta start installing these [Editor’s note: I bought one]:

stumbling

STUMMMBLIIINNGGGG IN THE DAAAAAAAAARK. THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NO HEEEAAAALLL.

So here is where we ask the most important question: Dumb or drunk?

Dumb

I love Cole, but he’s a bit of a mimbo. We’ve all been in that situation: You’re woken up by your body saying “Dude, it’s over there, better get to it quick” and we start making the move before the blur is gone from our eyes. Ideally, we try to take care of business without fully waking ourselves so we can get back to sleep quicker. And then, the treacherous move back to bed. I can navigate the hallway from bedroom to bathroom door in pitch black in my house (and there are two steps involved), but Cole was in a strange place. I can’t imagine falling in the short trip from toilet to bed in a hotel room, but my hotel room experiences aren’t the same as Cole’s. I imagine he had a few more strides in his way. Maybe he was overconfident. Maybe he turned the bathroom light off too early before surveying the lay of the land. Maybe it was 5 AM and he just peed and he was running back to bed. I have no idea, but it’s a big mimbo move.

Drunk

Yeah, probably drunk.

Side note: Two things jumped out at me in that photo: 1) WHERE IS THE CUT? And 2) WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS GOING ON WITH HIS ELBOW OH MY GOD MAN PITCHING IS HIGHLY UNNATURAL!