Voila_Capture 2016-07-28_09-49-13_AM Voila_Capture 2016-07-28_09-48-56_AM Voila_Capture 2016-07-28_09-48-55_AMVoila_Capture 2016-07-28_09-48-21_AM

I am stunned. STUNNED. I’ve done some shitty things on this website. I posted pictures of Cliff Lee playing with his kids in Rittenhouse Square. I posted a picture of Chase Utley’s baby (and then received a threatening phone call on behalf of Jen Utley, who several years later would order two The Man shirts from me, presumably for her and Chase*). I ruined Riley Cooper’s marketability. I single-handily forced Jeff Carter into refusing to take pictures with fans for fear that they would wind up on CB. I slut-shamed a puck slore. I posted a panty shot from a Phillies game. Like the last episode of Seinfeld, you could round up all of the individuals and groups I’ve wronged and together they would paint the portrait that I am a truly terrible person. I’m fine with that.

But never did I think revealing Jon Dorenbos’ magic trick would lead to public outrage the way it has. Even my Mom is pissed:

Voila_Capture 2016-07-28_09-11-46_AM

FLABBERGASTED!

This outrage is just a bunch of Joe Biden malarkey. It wasn’t meant to out Dorenbos. Quite the contrary. Anyone with half a brain who no longer believes in Santa knows that Dorenbos is not actually a wizard. He doesn’t have superpowers (unless of course you count a long snapper continuously pulling impossibly hot blondes or other wed-unlocked tail). He’s just a terrific showman. And so when I see a great magic trick – and it is a trick, despite what the douchebags who keep correcting me on the proper noun have to say – I immediately want to know how it was done. Consider my curiosity piqued, stimulated even– touching the tip of my desire to KNOW.

In fact, I stumbled upon the reveal videos by accident a few weeks ago, when I searched YouTube for a video of Dorenbos’ AGT appearance and realized that there’s a cottage industry of daring magicians eager to out their peers. I found it fascinating, and figured most of you would, too. How did The Great Dorenbos pull off his latest improbable feat of human manipulation? As usual, because I’m so goddamned good at what I do, I was right. Here are our top posts yesterday:

Voila_Capture 2016-07-28_09-25-34_AM

That second one is the first post we did, two weeks ago.

And yet here come the self-righteous zealots, feigning outrage over the existence of a video that 1) I didn’t make, and 2) THEY DON’T HAVE TO WATCH, MOM!

Leave me alone, you wonderers. Grow up, Peter Pans, Count Choculas– the world shall know the secrets of stagecraft!!!

*So yes, in fact I am Chase Utley’s stylist.