Cornerback and Eagles draft target Gareon Conley has vehemently denied the allegations that he sexually assaulted a woman he met in a hotel elevator. Let’s just get that out of the way. But I’m not sure what his Ohio State teammate and fellow top draft prospect Marshon Lattimore, also an Eagles target, was thinking here:

Imagine his agent’s reaction when he saw this. Yo bud, I know he’s your boy and all, but, ah, maybe ixnay on the victim shaming until after draft day-ay.

Marshon’s right– it doesn’t make much sense. But then again, just the concept of a foursome as a plausible situation doesn’t make much sense to us mere mortals. Never mind the likelihood of it, what’s the proper ratio? 3 girls and 1 guy, 2 girls and 2 guys, 1 girl…. and 3 guys? Just four chicks and a steadicam? I DON’T KNOW! Too many logistics– that’s one of the reason why I never had crazy penthouse foursomes. But athletes live in a different world. Soliciting a foursome in an elevator may be a slow night. I’ve seen the texts a former Phillies outfielder got from his mistress, and hooooooo boy is this a world with which I am not familiar. And we all remember the puck bunny.

So while we certainly don’t know all the facts yet (and probably never will), let’s pump the brakes on the implausible defense for just a few. If they were staying on a high enough floor, the foursome could’ve conceivable taken place right there in the elevator. Nothing about this situation makes sense, and yet, it all totally makes sense.

Maybe let Conley do his own defense… at least until Friday:

And I bet he wishes he didn’t.