Fuck me.

That is the only reasonable response I can think of to Marcus Hayes’ latest ass rind of a column. Let’s skip the pleasantries and get directly to the takedown:

FOR STARTERS, maybe Markelle Fultz shouldn’t start.

Oh no. Abort!

Really; what’s the rush? This is the fifth year of The Process. The three most significant pieces – Joel Embiid, Ben Simmons and Fultz – have played a total of 31 of 328 games since it began. Processors are nothing if not patient.

Just think about it. Simmons is a 6-10 power forward, but Brett Brown says he will convert him to point guard even though Simmons missed his entire rookie year with a broken foot. There will be growing pains.

Oh, phew, he’s just being sarcastic– lightly prodding the Process folks who for years said the Sixers need not worry about competing. I get it. Not my style, but we’ll roll with it.

It seems more logical to start Simmons alongside veteran Jerryd Bayless, who can play shooting guard and help handle the ball if necessary. It will be necessary.

Wait… he is being sarcastic, right?

Fultz can come off the bench and play alongside point guard T.J. McConnell. The introduction to the NBA is a lot gentler when you slide in at the wing.

GAH! It’s real! Marcus Hayes really just campaigned for the number one pick in the draft, a true point guard, to come off the bench at the wing, this just one paragraph after he posited that Ben Simmons, also a rookie and not a true point guard, should start at point. Let’s play SPOT THE HOLES IN HIS LOGIC.

The veteran-rookie tandems just make sense. Use them like a hockey coach uses defensive pairs. Yoke them together and let them grow together. It’s best for the team.

The matter-of-fact way he says it’s best for the team is impressive for the arrogance with which it comes across. Like Marcus, and Marcus alone, knows the true value in treating the number pick in the NBA draft like Andrew Fucking MacDonald.

Chris Paul, the league’s best point guard for the past 12 seasons, has a 4.25 assist-to-turnover ratio in the last 10 seasons . . . but even CP3 was almost a full assist worse his first two seasons.

Fultz and Simmons are not Chris Paul.

Chris Paul was such a can’t-miss NBA prospect coming into the draft that he was picked behind Andrew Bogut and Marvin Williams. To be sure, we would all be thrilled if Fultz or Simmons turned into a Chris Paul caliber player. But there is nothing, at all, to indicate that either guy can’t do that. The fascination of old-timey writers to overvalue veterans and forget that they, too, were once rookies is mind-boggling. And what’s the point of this anyway? Obviously Paul – like just about every other player ever – learned from his rookie mistakes. THEY DID HIM GOOD!

Kobe didn’t start his first two seasons. Magic didn’t play point guard his first four seasons, and Magic had played twice as many seasons in college as Fultz and Simmons, both one-and-doners. Magic also led Michigan State to the 1979 NCAA title and was the Most Outstanding Player of the tournament. Both Simmons and Fultz watched their NCAA Tournaments on TV.

I can’t take it anymore.