Category: Pat Burrell Award for Awesomeness and Cavortory (page 1 of 48)

Pat Burrell Will Be Inducted into the Phillies Wall of Fame, Your Woman’s Heart

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The Phillies announced today that Pat Burrell will be inducted into their Wall of Fame:

Left fielder Pat Burrell will become the 37th inductee into the Phillies Wall of Fame on Friday, July 31, prior to the 7:05 p.m. game vs. the Atlanta Braves at Citizens Bank Park.

“It’s a tremendous honor and privilege to be added to the Wall next to Philly’s all-time greats,” said Burrell. “My family and I couldn’t be more grateful for the support from fans. Their votes are the reason that I will now be enshrined in Phillies history.”

Can’t wait.

Side note: I have it on good authority that the last time Burrell was honored in Philly, in May of 2011 to retire as a Phillie, he invited the guys responsible for the don’t let your girl get Burrelled video to the game… and spent the days and weeks before and after it texting the girl from the video, who was dating one of the guys in the group. So, yeah, Burrell was trying to Burrell (v.) the girl in the video about him Burrelling girls. God he’s a legend.

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BREAKING: A Drunken and Shirtless Pat Burrell is Slip-and-Sliding with Chase Utley

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Chase Utley just posted this on Instagram (!!!) shortly before the Super Bowl. I’m several beers deep, and so, too, is Pat Burrell, it would seem. Video after the jump. Continue reading

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Jason Kelce: Everyman

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Email from reader Alec (BALDWIN?):

Spotted Jason Kelce and (not pictured) Connor Barwin over by PYT at the 104.5 Block party on Saturday.  Talking to fans, taking pictures, and just hanging out having a good time.  Another example of these guys embracing the city and the fans even during the off season.

God damn right it is, Alec. Love the OD shirt, and also the too-short shorts.* A much more understated appearance by Kelce in Northern Liberties than Pat Burrell’s in 2012 when he grabbed a girl’s tit and I had the photo but had to remove it because the girl’s lawyer threatened me and claimed it was taken out of context because it’s obviously very easy to take a picture of Pat Burrell grabbing a tit out of context you fucker. Was that a run-on sentence?

Anyway, Kelce’s awesome.

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UPDATE: This is pretty good, too:

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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to wipe something off my chin.

*Are those Dockers? Please be Dockers.

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Dan Carcillo Plays for the Rangers Tonight, Here’s My Favorite Car Bomb Moment

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This post originally appeared on the site on May 13, 2011, the day after Dan Carcillo manually stimulated what turned out to be a CB reader in an Atlantic City hotel room. I was told, at the time, that “her dad would be proud” because she denied Carcillo sex… and instead settled for a stand-up triple. 

 

When Dan Carcillo (@og_carbomb13) Tweets to fellow NHLer Paul Bissonnette, good things are bound to happen.

Car Bomb quickly disarmed and removed the Tweet.

Just another day inside the head of Dan Carcillo, folks.

H/T to (@downgoesspezza) and (@mandy10) for the screen grab

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These (soon-to-be) NHL Draft Picks Were Eager to Get Drunk and Screw Before Their Big Day

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This post originally ran just over a year ago, when our favorite (NOW MARRIED!) puck bunny conquered roughly half a dozen soon-to-be professional hockey players. Sadly, there was no similar venture this year (that we know of…). So, while the sports world slows for a few days as we celebrate Bill Pullman’s famous Independence Day speech and I stock up on coffee, beer and Haribo Gummy Bears for our Flyers free agency running commentary on Friday, let’s relive the beauty and majesty of Princesss Sass, a tradition unlike any other.

 

Before we delve into the shadowy world of jersey chasing – puck bunnydom, to be specific – let’s rewind to an earlier time.

Back in April, during that series in which the Flyers embarrassed the half-assed hockey team from the western end of the state, we introduced you to (our favorite) partially cloaked Penguins fan: Princesss Sass, as she’s known on the Interrods.

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We first came across Ms. Sass when she posted pictures of some signs she brought to the CONSOL Energy Center to harass the Flyers. We then followed her solo travels to Philadelphia for Game 3 and, as recently as last week, featured her in our special puck slut PSA relating to the announcement of the NHL Draft coming to the City of Brotherly Love in 2014. Sass’ appearance in our PSA was to demonstrate the shooting-fish-in-a-barrel nature of the NHL entry draft, an event that sees scores of young, mostly Canadian, teen-something boys flock into a particular city for, up to that point, the biggest weekend of their lives. The weekend when they become men.

We have to give Sass credit. She’s taken our heavy ribbing in stride (even though I once called her a slore), almost reveling in her role as the stereotypical puck slut from Shittsburgh. But now she’s outdone herself. She has given us an exclusive, meticulously detailed account of her weekend at the NHL Draft – complete with pictures and screenshots – where she warmed up about a sixth of the top 60 picks.

Before last weekend’s event, which was held in Pittsburgh, Sass tweeted a preview of her outfit for the draft’s first night. For her and other puck bunnies (and I do wish to not be graphic here), the thought of bagging an up-and-comer who might one day drink from Lord Stanley’s Cup (or, less ambitiously, bookend Pierre McGuire along an NHL dasher) makes their underoos drippier than a protagonist during the rain scene in a mid-oughts romance flick.*

*Ryan Gosling vociferously objects! “I’m wetter and I look better! And I’m a poet.”

You see, hockey players, unlike athletes from the other three major sports, are fairly accessible. For example, if you were a jersey chaser and wanted to fuck LeBron James, you’d likely have to make it through long lines, VIP ropes, possibly a background check, a publicist, some posse and Mike Miller before you ever got near King. Then there’s a good chance you’d have to be taken for a test spin (perhaps simultaneously) by a few members of his inner-circle – sexual gatekeepers, if I may – to see if you were up to the task. With satisfactory performance, you might – might – have a chance to score with LeBron.

Conversely, if you wanted to bump baby makers with, say, Jeff Carter, all you’d have to do is wear a revealing tube top to La Costa this Friday night.

It’s just… easier to get with hockey players.

At the NHL Draft, it’s easiest: puck bunnies want in early and not-even-old-enough-to-shave athletes want their first (or second or third) groupie. It’s a perfect balance, this delicate ecosystem of fuck. And that’s where we begin our story.

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[Note: We’ve removed players’ names from the story and texts. But among those included are five first-rounders, four second-rounders, two sons of former NHLers, and one (now) Flyer. All are 18, or younger.]

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The Flyers Partied at Caesars in Atlantic City Last Night

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Usually the Flyers wait until after their early exit from the playoffs to party in AC. But hey, that might be kind of difficult this season… so they hit up Caesars and its nightclub, Dusk, last night, according to several on the Twitters. 

View the Tweets and (incredibly strange) bathroom selfies… after the jump.

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Bernie Parent Talks About His Primitive Side, Encourages You to Stay Horny

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Wing Bowl, 2012

Bernie Parent is now writing a column for Philly.com as part of the enigmatic website’s misguided effort to increase page views and save money by bringing on mostly non-writers to, well, write, an undertaking that likely won’t lead to a measurable increase in visits to the site. 

Well, maybe Bernie will lead to a measurable increase… in visits to the site.

In what has to be one of the strangest and most surreal (read: awesome) columns you will ever read, Bernie, citing his “balls to go out there at 66 years old” for the Winter Classic Alumni Game in 2011, encourages you, the reader, to find your hidden wolf this Valentine’s Day.

Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Parent: [the fun parts are highlighted]

For some, Valentine’s Day is a time to show your appreciation for loved ones. For others, it’s a day of impending doom, a pointless “holiday,” and a yearly reminder of the reasons you are single.

Being that I am a seasoned ladies man and “Philadelphia’s most interesting man,” I have the same message for both types of people: Find your wolf.

If you are single, allow yourself to do some inner-searching and find the person that you want to be, so you are ready and willing to share that with someone else when the time comes. Remember, happy feelings will attract happy circumstances.

For those of you that are in a relationship, let your partner be their own wolf. Don’t restrict your partner. Let them fulfill who they are as an individual; it does not mean they don’t love you. If you let them go, let them do, they will explore and be their own person. That is what makes the bond between the two of you stronger.

Don’t leash them, don’t cage them, just have fun. And do it together.

“I am a free spirit; either admire me from the ground or fly with me, but don’t ever try to cage me.” –Unknown.

I’ll open up the floor to the readers. Email me your questions.

Stay horny, my friends.

–The Most Interesting Man in Philadelphia
Bernie Parent
 

 

I am speechless. Horny, but speechless.

Never change, Bernie.

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Hartnell and Parveen, Sittin’ in a Tree


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Hartnell DTF! 
 

Not since that time NBC 10 sent Sheena Parveen on an awkward lunch date with goofball Hunter Pence have we had a story about, well, Sheena Parveen going on a date with a goofball local athlete.

Dan of Gross of Philly.com was informed by a tipster, who says he works at the Irish Pub, that Hartnell and Parveen were having drinks at the bar late Wednesday night. Doing his usual due diligence, Gross found that it wasn’t the first time the pair had beverages together: [Philly.com

Parveen was also seen hanging with Hartnell in the VIP area at Dusk at Caesars in November after the Operation Hat Trick charity game he organized at Boardwalk Hall to benefit Hurricane Sandy relief efforts.

 

This is huge, folks. Hartnell’s apparent courtship of Parveen puts him in rarified Philly-cock-swinging air once inhaled by the likes of Pat Burrell and, yes, John Bolaris (back in his Lauren Hart days). This story also answers the question: How does Scott Hartnell celebrate being named the fifth hottest hockey player by Cosmo

BY TAKING OUT THE CROWN JEWEL OF PHILLY TV PERSONALITIES, is the answer. 

What’s more is that the decision to go to the IP is a move ripped from the pages of Burrell’s playbook. It’s like the sex manual that Kevin’s brother talked about in American Pie 2– this book that some guys brought back from Amsterdam in the early eighties. What to do with your tongue, things like that. And each year, it got passed on to one East student who was worthy of it.

Only one local athlete at a time is privy to the book's contents– things like, "cab companies quickest to Irish Pub, Public House and Drinker’s," "how much get home money to give in the morning" (it’s commensurate with her education), and “cunilingizing a TV anchor.” HARTNELL’S GOT THAT BOOK! Not saying he did those things with Parveen, but he has the book. Jeff Carter had it before him (Hartnell presumably skipped the chapter about how to start a rumor that you’re nailing your teammate’s wife). John Clark before that. Darren Daulton back in the day. But now it’s Scottie’s. His to do with what he will. Perhaps he’ll marry a Hooter’s girl, dye his hair blonde, or ride down Broad in celebration on a Clydesdale-pulled wagon. The possibilities are endless.

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