Crossing Broad

The Definitive Phillies Man Crush Guide

Photo via Jacqueline Sarricchio

This probably isn’t a post I should write wearing nothing but a double-boxer sitch’ (I’m out of clean shorts) and t-shirt, but plow forward we shall.

Email:

Kyle, 

I need your help, you’re the man crush king.  I seriously have no idea what to do with myself.  This Phillies team is just LOADED with man crush material.  Should I focus all my attention on the original mainstay, Mr. Utley?  Do I let Doc Halladay be my huckleberry? What about Clifton Phifer Lee, the excellent steed? Should I love him? Should I shower Cole Hamels and his beautiful hair with my admiration?  

What do I do about Roy Oswalt and that wonderful grin of his?  There is no way I can forget about Chooch!  Chooch is too important to not care about! Everyone needs a Chooch, I NEED a Chooch! 

But I can’t stop myself from crushing on the most majestically awkward fellow I have ever laid eyes on, Hunter Pence.  He went to the plate WITH the doughnut!  How am I not supposed to love someone who is so geeked to be in Philadelphia?  

What about Madson and his fire he has been breathing this year?  Or the Vanimal, I mean his nickname is, the VANIMAL.  And then there is Stutes and his glorious locks of strikeout, Bastardo and the impossible to hit slider, Lidge and his mole, Howard, Rollins, Polanco, Ibanez, Valdez and his goofy blonde goatee.  I mean forget San Fran and that weirdo with the beard…we have the GOAT!

This is a serious problem Kyle, I’m suffering from man crush overload.  Help me….

Adam

 

I feel the best way - the only way - to address these questions is to go line-by-line. Give it a little hop for the response.

CB Mailbag #2: Lindy Ruff's Son Doesn't Like Me Very Much

We're not even going to try to pretend this isn't a blatant rip off of Sport Guy's mailbag, but I really don't care. These are your emails, Tweets, and comments (unedited). Submit yours to CrossingBroad [at] Yahoo [dot] com.

We’ll let reader Jim Read kick off today’s mailbag with a Photoshop. It seems Michael Leighton has been located.

On to your shit...

Yo cuz, I wanted to thank you for the privilege of being the first email in the first CB mailbag.  It is an honor.  I will be sure to tell the kids I plan on never having.  Granted, it would have been better if you didn't treat me and my quasi legitimate question the same way Mike Tyson treated his opponents before the Buster Douglas loss and the face tattoo, but I am honored none the less.  Plus, that email was the equivalent of an Adam Eaton slow-and-straight fastball down the middle of the plate, so I would expect you to not only swing hard, but swing for the fences.  I would say you connected.  Well played.

Now for my question: On a scale of 1 to having-your-mom-tell-you-she-watches-porn (thanks HBO), how disturbing is it that every time I poo now, I try to poo the Phillies logo?  Maybe I need a hobby.

The Reddgie

Yo cuz, just wanted to know what we, your loyal and faithful readers, did to deserve such treatment?  You give us a great mailbag, and then boom, you turn all soup nazi on us, no second mailbag for you! Why?

The Reddgie

Well, The Reddgie, you’re welcome. Couple of thoughts: First, as to why you plan on never having children, that may be because you sent the email equivalent of a double tap to my inbox. If I was a bin Laden, I’d be well on my way to the virgins, which, judging by your prognostication, the awful Mike Tyson reference, and your goal of pooping a Phillies “P” (as seen in the first mailbag), is a category you probably fall into. 

Of course, I’ve been attempting to organically recreate the Phillies logo since the redesign in 1992, so... we're both probably a solid seven on a scale from one-to-having-your-mom-tell-you-she-watches-porn, or, to be more specific, "you found a yam in your parents' bed."

Regarding the frequency of these: 90% of emails I get are tips and links to stories, which are all MUCH appreciated. However, it is taking a little while to ramp up to these mailbag questions (read: send me more!). I wanted to be sure I had enough good ones and didn’t give you, the readers, a half-assed mailbag.

 

Hey Kyle,

Sorry I don't have a better pin point of time, but I think it was during a timeout in the second period last night. The Flyers have a new(?- I've never seen her, and I watch damn near every game) towel girl. She took gloves from someone and gave them a new pair, then Hartnell threw his towel at her. Missanelli is having a debate now whether this girl was actually hot or not. He didn't see her- all callers are saying she was hot. I thought she was pretty good, but I couldn't see her long enough to really tell. If you get a few minutes, could you watch through to see if you can get a picture up and take some votes or something? I'd love to be able to prove Missanelli wrong, and it'd be nice to spotlight her if we do in fact have the hottest towel girl in the NHL. Mike is trying to say everything thinks she's hot simply because she's a girl in a place where you wouldn't expect her. Just wondering if you could help me out here. 

J.T.

Hey J.T.,

You mean these chicks?

When a Phillies Flag is a Terror Threat

Here's an email I received from reader Brian Anstock:

Wanted to say whats up and keep up the good work.  The picture attached was taken on my honeymoon, and we are at Olympia Greece (site of the first Olympics).  My wife had no idea I dragged my Phillies flag across the world so I could take a picture with it.  5 seconds after this was taken 3 security guards started blowing whistles and chasing me down, they thought the flag was for a terrorist threat, I simply replied its the World F*cking Champs flag.  They didn't like that, thanks Bin Laden.

Thanks, Stock

 

Nice Hangover reference, Stock.

It seems the Greek authorities are intimidated by our embarassment of riches. I mean... four aces? Four? Even though they have Maria Menounos and her NSFW cameltoe, which in and of itself is enough to cause global instability, they're sensitive towards these sorts of outward displays of power.

That or the guards lost five figures left of the decimal point on the '07 Mets.

As for the rest of you, you can contribute to the mailbag. Send me an email message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.

And Brian, if you click on that link, you can probably expect to fall into the other 50% of marriages.

CB Mailbag #1: There's Something Wrong with Most of You

We're not even going to try to pretend this isn't a blatant rip off of Sport Guy's mailbag, but I really don't care. These are your emails, Tweets, and comments. Submit yours to CrossingBroad [at] Yahoo [dot] com.

 

Yo cuz, I was curious which direction you were going to go with the CB mailbag: like Drew @ Deadspin with the "I think I am funnier than I truly am" route with slightly funny but way over the top responses to possibly made up emails or like Simmons @ ESPN with the "I think I am funnier than I truly am" route with slightly funny but extremely self serving and overloaded with pop culture references to possibly made up emails?  It has to be onw of the two, right?

The Reddgie

Well, The Reddgie, I was wondering if you were going to go with the “I think I am funnier than I truly am” route with a slightly humorous email but one that reeks of insecurities and is somewhat spiteful and jealous of three sites that you clearly read and take time to craft clever emails towards while you sit at home likely drinking Banker’s Club on your own writing emails that you may or may not have stolen from Deadspin or with the “I think I am funnier than I truly am” route with a slightly humorous email but completely ruin it with run on sentences that make it almost impossible to read and hence kind of kill the the little bit of funny it did have while you sit at home likely drinking Mike’s Hard writing emails that you may or may not have stolen from ESPN? But you may or may not even be real, right?

 

It is always acceptable for children to gush over players.  It is mostly acceptable for women to do this, especially if they are young and relatively attractive b/c the players don't mind having to look at them.  However, it is NEVER ok for a grown man to make a fuss over another grown man.  Never.  Period.  Hanging around calling after another grown man for his autograph or wildly cheering and trying to get their attention is unacceptable.  My husband swears the players probably find those guys to be annoying and lame.  He said that guys should only seek autographs at designated signings (like the Phillies festival) and even then you shouldn't swoon over them like a pansy but behave like Newman in the Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld and make your order and move on!  (Jumbalaya!) He did offer that exceptions can be made for sports legends like Jordan or something.

Do you agree?

KO

I typically fall asleep at night thinking about Cliff Lee’s ironic chin. I am the first to notice that Roy Halladay has big, safe hands. I once drew a heart around Scottie Reynold’s face and used it as my Facebook picture. My girlfriend had to have an intervention on me when I wouldn’t stop calling Chase Utley "sexy."

I’m the wrong person to ask.

Introducing CB Mailbag

Here's my typical day: Wake up, get coffee, find 12 emails that either call me an asshole, tell me where Jeff Carter was the previous evening, ask me nonsense questions, or have pictures of a dog named Utley wearing a Phillies hat. It's time to start sharing those.

In this calm before the storm, which will start next week when the Phillies head to Clearwater and the Flyers resume a normal, full schedule (they're off until Thursday), we're launching some new features and making some announcements. The first of which will be our new CB Mailbag.

I'm not even going to try to pretend this isn't a blatant rip off of Sport Guy's mailbag, but I really don't care. However, I promise we won't make any Red Auerbach, Big Papi, or Cousin Sal references.

Some of you kill it in the comments (some of you don't) and there needs to be a better forum to get some of that content across. Whatever questions, comments, or thoughts you have, send it along to CrossingBroad [at] Yahoo [Dot] Com, include Mailbag in the subject, and I'll try to answer them, on site, once per week.

I'm also on a quest to find the best micro brews, hot wings, and cheeseburgers in the area for an upcoming post, so feel free to include your suggestions with any and all emails. I won't post blatant spam from bars and restaurants (read: sponsorships are available!).

As always, you can continue to send tips and other nonsense to that address. I'll continue to read it.