A new study says stubble conveys maturity and manliness: [Science Mag]
Researchers photographed 10 men at four stages of beard growth: clean shaven, 5-day “light” stubble, 10-day “heavy” stubble (shown), and fully bearded. 351 women and 177 heterosexual men viewed the photos and rated each face for attractiveness, masculinity, health, and parenting ability. Women ranked heavily stubbled faces as the most attractive. Participants said that the clean-shaven men looked about as healthy and attractive as those with a full beard, but rated the bearded men higher for perceived parenting skills. Light stubble got the short end of the stick, garnering low scores across the board from both men and women. The 5-day growth may be too patchy, the researchers write in the May issue of Evolution and Human Behavior, which suggests “a threshold of density and distribution may be necessary for beards to function as an attractive signal.”
I’m so ahead of this curve. I’ve been telling Ms. CB for years that I look better with thick scruff. She prefers a five-day light, but I’m entirely too lazy to shave once a week, so I usually opt for the 10-14 day growth. Here’s the thing: at five days, she’s all oh come here, you, but somewhere between 7-10, she’s all get the hell away from me, you have food in there. But now it’s been proven that I’m better looking at 10 days out. It’s science! For the first time ever, I just won a disagreement. Armed with facts, I am. This is a rare event, men– embrace it. Print this out. Put it on the fridge. Carry it around in your pocket. Grind it up and put it in your beautiful 10-day stubble! Whatever.
Kudos to the scientists (frat dudes?) for including heterosexual men in this. We count too. It’s the reason Justin Timberlake is allowed to be good-looking now…
… but not then:
Women have liked JT all along, but it’s not until we approved of him that his career really took off. Now he’s rapping with Jay-Z and stuff. Clooney, Gosling– same reasons.
However, none of this is new… all you had to do was look at Cliff Lee for the answers:
Of course, we don’t all have MASSIVE HANDS. So let’s just pretend this study doesn’t exist.
Thanks, Gary Bettman!
Since beards are never not cool, and growing them to absurd lengths is an automatic marketing tool for any athlete (notice how no one hated Jason Kelce this year, even though he was vilified for comments about fans last year?), Giroux and Hartnell have decided to partake in the time honored tradition… the lockout beard:
I know, I know– beards have totally jumped the shark. But who cares? It’s not like we have anything better to write about, hockeywise. I mean, it would be better to grow a playoff beard, rather than a lockout beard, but that’s not an option right now, is it?
It was, however, an option this past spring for Stanley Cup champion Mike Richards, who wants to join his former teammates:
Well now– that just took all the fun out of it. What does this look like, Kings East? Why don’t we just invite Justin Williams to impromptu practices, too. Oh.
“I did not care for Moneyball. I thought the movie, to me, was a little unrealistic.”
The Big Poker has gone rogue, it seems. The other day, we saw Rube looking a bit unkempt while giving an interview to WIP. Yesterday, Tom McCarthy interrupted our peaceful winter to bring us this exclusive interview, in which Ruben Amaro and his five o'clock shadow answer season ticket holder questions… from their office!
You can watch all 14 minutes of the interview after the jump, but the best part of this (aside from the Amaro Shadow) is the 5 x 7 of Pat Gillick that Rube has hanging on his cork board. I can absolutely see Amaro pawing at this thing each morning asking for spiritual guidance.
Amaro, never one to step away from the poker table, also says he believes Freddy Galvis "is ready" if the Phillies can't re-sign Jimmy Rollins. Gulp.
Must watch after the jump. Topics include The Muppets, Rube's Stanford education, Rollins, Hamels, Papelbon and sabermetrics.
Just in time for the return of Jayson Werth (almost like it was planned or something…), comes this latest jam from Philly Phaithful: Bitter Beard Face.
Oh look at that: Perfectly tailored center point beard, douchey glasses which say I don't need your conformity, dollar sign on hat, overly bitter why didn't the Phillies think I was worth this much my career-high 99 RBIs just begs to be paid nine figures look? It's all here.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Order between now and the end of the Nats series, May 5th, and receive 12.6% off. Use code dudegotpaid. That's a CB exclusive.
Mens and womens sizes available. Get yours here.
Comments Off on Introducing Bitter Beard Face T-Shirts, Save 12.6%
In honor of those wispy strands…
Well, it’s not a contest at all, because you can’t actually win anything other than adoration.
You know the drill. Shave Thursday morning, take a picture, and send us the before and after shots at the end of each round. We’ll post the best. Not new. Not unique. Not groundbreaking. Still fun.
Now, here’s where we change things. Just when you thought we were zigging, we zag.
Partially inspired by reader and Pittsburgh hater Erin, who asked what the female equivalent of a playoff beard is, we are pleased to announce “Merkins for Mezzy.” Or Andre-jay-jays, if you will.
That’s right, in honor of Andrej Meszaros, who I wholeheartedly believe will end a playoff game in overtime with his deceptive wrist shot – is he going to pass? is he going to pass? oh no, he shoots! – we bring you the ultimate in feminine deception: The merkin.
Look, the answer to Erin’s question could have been all too simple. We wouldn’t actually expect any of you female readers to grow out your lady locks. No one wants that.
So what is a lady to do? Armpit hit, facial hair, growing out the not-so-invisible ‘stache? All gross. What’s the next logical step? Deception and hilarity.
For those of you who don’t know what a merkin is, we’ll let Wikipedia explain it:
Let me tell you what beards do for a player. They make him look badass, that's what they do. If Eric Bruntlett wasn't sporting a face parka, he would have been out of baseball long before scoring two winning runs in the 2008 World Series. If Jayson Werth didn't have an epic beard, I'm fully convinced he would have received about 15% less of his $126 million contract- not joking. That thing turned Werth into a brand last year. It didn't hit 46 doubles for him, but it also masked the fact that he never hit .300 or had 100 RBIs in a season. It created just enough buzz around a 31-year-old career .272 hitter to entice a desperate-for-attention franchise like the Nationals to take a chance on signing him for almost twice what the Phillies were offering.
Looks like a Raul, now in the last year of his contract, is taking a page out of that book (ironic because, two years ago, Werth looked to Ibanez as a model for a late-career suge). It isn't all just about the beard, however. You can bet that instead of the mis-timed swing version of Ibanez we saw at the begninning of last season, we are going to see Raul play much closer to the May of 2009 version of himself. Mid-way through that season, Ibanez suffered a tear in his abdomen which affected him for the second half of the year and through the beginning of 2010. Most notably, the offseason surgery required to fix the tear crippled Ibanez's offseason workout last year.
This year, he was able to get in his full program (that's the chic word of 2011), staying in Philadelphia to workout. Yesterday, he talked about that fact and threw in a sweet Ivan Drago reference for your listening pleasure.
He also looks a lot like a bald version of the guy who played Jose Yero in the slightly underwhelming remake of Miami Vice. That counts for something.
Hop it for the video.
Souce: William Ladson
Jayson Werth brought back the beard today. Phillies: Minus one beard and a bloated contract, plus one Cliff Lee. Victory, it's ours.
Meanwhile, our friends to the north are giving away free tickets with the purchase of a game plan: [TicketsNews.com]
The Mets … unveiled new season ticket plans this week in which fans who purchase a five-, 11- or 17-game package will get one extra game free.
These packages all include a ticket to Opening Day and one of the Subway Series games against the Yankees. In addition, the Mets will waive the $25 processing fee for those who buy one of the packages before February 26.
So let's recap: Buy a five game plan, get a sixth game free, tickets to see a game against the Yankees, and your're processing fee will be waived.
Sounds like a half-assed Ponzi scheme to me.
Oh yeah, here are various members of the Mets talking about their first kiss. Josh Thole became a man by playing Spin the Bottle. I'm fairly certain David Wright's first kiss was Jose Reyes.
The Amazin' Mets, folks.