Archives For ryan braun

Screen Shot 2013-08-21 at 11.09.23 AMI hate Ryan Braun. This you know.

He’s coming back from a 65-game suspension for being a lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit. Is he worried about how fans will treat him? Nah, not really. He’s heard worse, and at least this time all the focus will be on him and not his immediate family and relatives.

Speaking to Bob Nightengale of USA Today, Braun says, dude, say whatever you want:

“Dude, say what you want about me, but I am strong,” Braun says in an exclusive interview with USA TODAY Sports. “Mentally, and emotionally, I am strong.

“This doesn’t bother me. People may have something new to yell now, but it’s really no different than anything I’ve gone though. I’ve never gone to Chicago and had them cheer for me. I’ve never gone to St. Louis and had them say, “I hope you do great.’ Nobody’s fans have ever cheered for the opposing team’s best player.

“I’m sure it will be a bit adventuresome at times this year, but if anything, it’s probably better now. Normally, you go to Philly and Chicago, and they’re talking about your mom, your sister, your girlfriend, whatever. So, now, it will be just about me.”

Oh don’t worry, Ryan, I’m sure we can find something to say about your wife. Don’t know about your girlfriend, though.

via (@craigcalcaterra)

Screen Shot 2013-09-06 at 1.09.23 PMFrom some small market TV station:

CBS 58 has confirmed suspended Milwaukee Brewers Outfielder Ryan Braun is calling Brewers season ticket holders to apologize.

“Hey there’s a guy on the phone claiming to be Ryan Braun, it’s probably one of your buddies messing with you.”

That’s exactly what Kelly’s Bleachers owner Pat Guenther thought Thursday afternoon.

He picked up the phone thinking it’d be a joke.

“Hey Pat this is Ryan Braun,” Guenther recalls.  “Right then and there I knew it was his voice based on interviews I’ve seen on TV. I knew damn well it was his voice.”

So he did what anyone in the service industry would do.

“I said what can I do for you? He said, I messed up, in a nutshell, I messed up. I just want to reach out and say I’m sorry. I cut him off right there. I said you know Ryan, I think you’re an amazing athlete and this speaks volumes to your character to reach out to a small business owner like myself and let us know that you are going to do better.”

“Who hasn’t made a mistake? People move forward. I think that’s what Ryan is trying to do. He’s moving forward. He has no other option. Be better, help his ballclub win games and win the hearts of Brewers fans like he has for many, many years.”

The Brewers confirmed the team provided Braun with contact information for some season ticket holders at his request.

“He was very humble on the phone. He wanted to reach out and for him to do this is an act of kindness.  He wants the people of Wisconsin to support the Brewers and him.”

Guenther said he wants to meet Braun now that they’ve spoke on the phone.

FUCK this guy. Oh, you got a PR consultant to tell you that you should apologize to fans directly? Congratulations, dickmeat. Did your crisis manager have any advice on how to un-ruin a guy’s life? How about on how to take back a press conference on a pitcher’s mound in which you ruined said life? But no, everything will be forgiven now that you called a few blue collar Milwaukeans (word?) who were so caught off-guard by speaking to a real life celebrity shuttlecock that they sheepishly crumbled, not because you’re a good guy, but because you have a soft voice and big, blue eyes. And because their team needs back its juiced up meathead masher.

No joke, I’m legitimately contemplating getting Brewers season tickets just to hear from Braun myself. They can’t be more than, what, $400? That’s well worth it to tape the phone call, tell the guy to go fuck himself, and then post it on this website and take a warm swim in all that ad revenue. Really, if I get confirmation that he calls every season ticker holder, I’ll do it. That’s a business expense, and that makes our country g-g-g-g-g-great! Fuck you, Ryan Braun.

Ryan Braun released a statement admitting – and, of course, minimizing – his PED use. You can read the full thing after the jump, followed by some context from the bow tie man himself, little baby Ken Rosenthal. Continue Reading…

Screen Shot 2013-08-21 at 11.09.23 AMYes! YES! YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

It’s all coming out now.

Ryan Braun is being sued for defamation by former friend Ralph Sasson. Zach Stoloff of NESN explains:

In addition to his baseball problems, Braun is being sued by former friend Ralph Sasson for defamation. Sasson is alleging a number of things, but the story is essentially that Sasson, a law student, was hired by Braun and his lawyer to dig up the information that eventually led to the overturning of Braun’s initial suspension for a positive PED test in 2011. However, Braun only paid up after Sasson made threats to reveal information, and then Sasson alleges that Braun defamed him to mutual friends.

Defaming people seems to be a casual pastime for Braun.

As part of the legal proceedings, Sasson sent Braun a 48-count “request for admissions,” which is basically a discovery document which demands that the other party either admit to or deny claims that may come out in the case. Lying can be considered perjury.

Well! Among the claims Sasson asks Braun to admit, besides a litany of accusations that Braun defamed and failed to pay Sasson, are charges that Braun cheated on his fiancée, falsified grades in college, has taken PEDs since college, accepted money as a college player, lied to Aaron Rodgers, and LIED TO THE ENTIRE WORLD(!). Here, look:

Screen Shot 2013-08-21 at 10.46.27 AM Screen Shot 2013-08-21 at 10.46.49 AM Screen Shot 2013-08-21 at 10.47.00 AM Screen Shot 2013-08-21 at 10.47.09 AM Screen Shot 2013-08-21 at 10.47.38 AM Screen Shot 2013-08-21 at 10.47.52 AM Screen Shot 2013-08-21 at 10.48.12 AM

Amazing.

Now, none of these things are fact. Braun apparently has yet to respond to the request (he has 30 days and it was filed on July 31), but we may soon be able add liar and cheater to, um… ah, well, liar and cheater as terms used to describe Braun.

via NESN

Now it turns out that, before ruining a pee collector’s career on a pitcher’s mound last year, Ryan Braun solicited support from players by claiming that the man who handled his sample was a Cubs fan and an anti-Semite:

Some of that may be because of phone calls Braun made in the days leading up to the decision of his appeal, in February 2012.

According to sources, Braun called veteran players around baseball privately at that time to lobby for their support. In the calls — confirmed by three sources — Braun told other players that in the preparation for his appeal, some information had become known about the collector of his urine sample, Dino Laurenzi Jr., including that he was a Cubs fan — with the implication he might work against Braun, who played for a division rival of the Cubs.

Braun, who is Jewish, also told the players that he had been told the collector was an anti-Semite.

You, sir, a horrible, horrible person.

That’s like a child telling his parents awful things about his teacher when he knows a bad test grade is coming. Mrs. Miller is just so mean. She locks us in the closet when we spill glue in our desks. She stole my pen so I couldn’t take notes. She wouldn’t let me make up the assignments I missed when I was out sick. And she tried to touch little Johnny on his pee stick. I told the principal on her, so she gave me an F on my multiplication test. It’s not my fault, Mom. I know my times tables. I studied twice per week for four straight weeks. So I studied 12 times for that test!

The only difference between the hypothetical child and Ryan Braun is that the child didn’t deliver his sermon on a pitcher’s mound on national TV.

Screen Shot 2013-08-16 at 10.25.49 AMOh, we’re supposed to be mad at A-Rod (or his people) for outing that fraudulent prick Ryan Bryan? I, for one, applaud him.

From 60 Minutes:

“60 Minutes” has learned that members of New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez’s inner circle* in February obtained and leaked documents that implicated Milwaukee Brewers slugger Ryan Braun as well as his own Yankees teammate, catcher Francisco Cervelli, in the doping scandal that has enveloped Major League Baseball.

Braun and Cervelli’s names were redacted in the Miami New Times documents. Members of Rodriguez’s camp at the time obtained unredacted versions and leaked them to Yahoo! Sports, according to two sources with direct knowledge of the matter. The unredacted documents also implicated Baltimore Oriole Danny Valencia, who MLB later investigated and cleared.

I mean, sure, if it were virtually any other player in baseball he Cansecoed, I’d liken A-Rod to a gorilla falling out of a tree, determined to destroy every branch, and all life forms on them, while on his way to a crash landing below. He’d be the weasel of all weasels, twice gaming the system and now ruining profile of other cheaters to deflect criticism away from his own purple-lipped self.

But not when it’s Ryan Braun.

Man, FUCK Ryan Braun.

I now like A-Rod better for outing that guy. There’s no worse person on Earth than someone who would stand on a pitcher’s mound and ruin the career of a pee-collector for his own personal gain. Ending the career of Ryan Braun, at all costs, should be what humanity strives for over the next decade. Screw solving global warming. Al Gore can take care of that. Let’s get Ryan Braun. And you, A-Rod, cast the first stone. You should be an example to us all. Your catcher and that guy from Baltimore were merely collateral damage– a small schoolhouse of Middle Eastern children next to a terrorist hideout. All for the greater good. I shall now hang you on my wall:

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And no, the irony of the guy who posted the Riley Cooper cell phone video defending A-Rat for helping to ruin the image of Ryan Braun is not lost on me.

*Can we find another term besides “inner circle,” America? It just seems so medieval. Like maybe a President or evil dictator can have one, but can’t an MLB player just have a posse, people or reps? That doesn’t seem like too much to ask.

Screen Shot 2013-07-24 at 11.27.03 AMOy.

Ryan Braun, one of only a handful of Jewish baseball stars along with the likes of Sandy Koufax and Hall of Famer Rod Carew (he converted), had been one the sports heroes of the chosen people. But it appears that’s no longer the case.

The Jewish Telegraphic Agency via the Jewish Exponent on Braun’s audacity:

What makes his non-admission admission particularly lame and weasely is how lame and weasely his response was to his failed drug test back in 2011. First he (successfully) challenged his suspension on technical grounds and then turned that victory-by-technicality into an unabashed declaration of innocence.

Chutzpah.

Just man up already and admit what you did. Until then, you’re not even in the same league as Shawn Green and Ian Kinsler. And no more calling you “The Hebrew Hammer” either.

Braun may be one of the worst people on Earth. But he probably still has one supporter– his agent, Nez Belalo, who gets a cut of that $105 million.

Taiwanese Ryan Braun animation via Busted Coverage

In the spring of 2011, just months before he tested positive for performance-enhancing, MVP-winning drugs – an allegation he got off with because he’s lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing cheater – Ryan Braun went to the Brewers about signing an early (and likely discounted) contract extension. That’s a rare move for a then-27-year-old still four years away from free agency who plays in a fantastic place called “Wisconsin.” But perhaps now we know why. Perhaps Braun knew that MLB’s collective bargaining agreement with its players association protects players who test positive for PEDs from forfeiting their contracts.

Braun signed a five-year, $105 million extension before the start of the 2011 season. That contract will begin in 2016. And it looks like this:

Screen Shot 2013-07-23 at 11.52.04 AM

Journal Sentinel, dateline April, 2011:

Both sides did so, leading to the announcement Thursday that Braun and the club had agreed to a five-year extension worth $105 million, a historic deal in many ways. The extension, which runs from 2016 though 2020, also includes a mutual option for 2021 worth up to $20 million with a $4 million buyout.

As further proof that Braun wants to be a career Brewer, a no-trade provision was included in the deal. To help the club stay competitive and have the financial wherewithal to sign other players, Braun agreed to defer an unspecified amount of the money.

Braun’s extension pays him salaries of $19 million in 2016, 2017 and 2018; $18 million in 2019; and $16 million in 2020. It also includes a $10 million signing bonus, which in addition to his $4 million salary this year brings his pay more in line with players of his stature and production.

The $4 million buyout in 2021 brings the total guaranteed value of the extension to $105 million.

“It was conducted more as a partnership than a negotiation between a player and team,” said [Brewers owner] Attanasio, who traveled from Los Angeles with his wife, Debbie, to participate in an afternoon media session at Miller Park.

“Ryan reached out to us in spring training about wanting to be a Brewer for the rest of his career. That spoke loudly to me and Doug. Also want to thank Doug. This is a major move for the franchise. It’s a very, very exciting day.”

What a slippery motherfucker he is. Hey, I’m probably going to test positive for steroids or HGH at some point, so let’s get this thing done now. HOMETOWN DISCOUNT FOR YOU, MILWAUKEE! 

Braun has lost nothing. A few million for the remainder of this season– mere change to him. Should he remain drug-free for the next eight years, he’ll earn every bit of $105 million, regardless of his production. His PED use and suspension are simply the cost of doing business. So despite reports and public sentiment, Braun made a fantastic business decision when he decided to have a needle jammed into his ass over and over and over again.