Word of a new site, called Thuzio, found its way to my inbox last week. Basically, it provides a platform for professional athletes to pimp their services – speaking gigs and companionship, it seems – to fans and businesses. It’s all a bit odd and a little bit creepy, but a decent idea – cut out the middle man (agent) and deal directly with potential “customers" – that appeals to current and former athletes who have no idea how to otherwise earn a paycheck. Plus, who wouldn’t want Isiah Thomas to show up at their store's grand opening for $7,500? Or who wouldn’t want to attend a sporting event with Yankees pitcher Ivan Nova for $4,000? And, um, who wouldn't want a $2,500 round of golf with Derrick Coleman?
Anyway, as you can see, some of the offers are reasonable… others are ridiculous. So I decided to see which Philly athletes were available.
You can have lunch of dinner with Mickey Morandini, for $300:
Morandini, who grossed only around $10 million during his 10-year career, is pretty much opening his legs to whatever you please. He’ll have lunch with you, play golf with you ($600), attend a game with you ($600), talk to your small group of friends ($750) and more. Or you can customize an experience with him.
Here’s how I would do mine: I sit Mickey Morandini in a chair, make him wear his sweet 1990s-style wristbands, and scream my Harry Kalas impersonation – MICK-EY MOR-AN-DI-NI – at him, perhaps while wearing this shirt, for three hours or until one of us passes out– $1,200.
Among the former Eagles on the site are Ricky Watters, Lito Sheppard, and Gary Gobb, who will show up at your fantasy draft for a cool $1,350 AND MAKE NO GODDAMN SENSE WHEN HE TALKS TO YOU.
Sixers? No surprises here. Darryl Dawkins, who will eat out your wife show up at your wedding (or similar celebration) for up to two hours for a – somewhat reasonable – $1,000. And World B. Free, who will attend a game with you for $300 or, really, whatever you got in your pocket.
But – by far – my favorite is the lone Flyer on Thuzio: Harry Zolnierczyk, who will show up at your fantasy hockey draft (you know, if there’s a season) for $1,500 or, and I’m sure the Flyers love this, play in your next pick-up game for $2,000 per hour! GAH! You can also customize your experience with Harry, at which point I’d totally ask him to video tape me having sex with an underage girl– free, but he’d be allowed to watch. Never mind.
You can see the rest of the athletes on Thuzio here. We'll assume the site does background checks, just in case, say, a bunch of Red Sox fans wanted to pay Bucky Fucking Dent $3,500 to hear his story and then, you know, kill him.
I wonder if they let popular bloggers sign up? Because I’ll have lunch with you at Reading Terminal Market for the price of a warm, juicy DiNic’s roast pork sandwich.
What are some requests you might have for athletes, local and otherwise?