About a year ago, I wrote that soon the Phillies would need to start embracing social media and other creative marketing efforts, and stop resting on the laurels of five straight division championships, because eventually the goodwill would end. Well, it’s ended. Attendance is rapidly(?) declining. TV ratings are down. And the team is mediocre at best. So here we are, on the dark side of Ruben Amaro’s nonsensical rainbow. Suddenly, the nonchalant game-day employees at CBP*, uninventive and stale in-game promos, and cheese grater TV announcers are becoming a deal-breaker rather than a minor annoyance. And now the Phils have finally figured out that they need to, you know, try (from a marketing stand point, of course).

$10 tickets. Giveaways. Glimmers of a personality or a human running their Twitter account— all here. So, too, are quirky and patronizing promotions that Adam Aron would be proud of, like the one today:

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Jeez. They stopped just short of calling the promo breathtaking and naming Big Bird as the Phanatic’s replacement. A once-in-a-liftime opportunity to win J-Roll’s™ bat? What, does it come with magical powers that, once you hold it, you jump at every opportunity that comes your way and lose all patience for ever and always? Because that doesn’t sound good.

The “big reveal” was an announcement about their charity auction. Cool, I guess.

Of course, whatever cool factor that promo had was urinated out the window by a follow-up Tweet linking to a 3,215-word(!!!) disclaimer. Your friendly little social media contest… brought you by a very carefully cultivated marketing plan and a team of Major League Baseball lawyers. Go Phils!

*The guy who wraps the Schmitters is on my shit list. Holy hell, guy! One foil-fold at a time? Are you fucking kidding me? No joke: I witnessed a line of about 20 people watching as one dude wrapped individual sandwiches, while arguing with coworkers and holding side conversations, as two trays of Schmitters sat out getting cold. There was a break in the chain of two people – the cook and the guy who folds the fucking sandwiches – in getting $10 Schmitters to paying customers. Amazing.