Screen Shot 2013-06-10 at 8.28.41 AMRoger Goodell has descended from his Mt. NFL to deliver the league’s latest decree: a new security policy for what you can, but mostly can’t, bring into stadiums.

From the Eagles:

Fans are encouraged to limit the number of items they bring with them to the stadium. They will be able to carry the following style and size bag, package, or container at stadium plaza areas, stadium gates, or when approaching queue lines awaiting entry into the stadium:

• Bags that are clear plastic, vinyl or PVC and do not exceed 12” x 6” x 12.”

• One-gallon clear plastic freezer bag (Ziploc bag or similar).

• Small clutch bags, approximately the size of a hand, with or without a handle or strap, may be carried into the stadium along with one of the clear bag options.

• An exception will be made for medically necessary items after proper inspection.

Prohibited items include, but are not limited to: purses larger than a clutch bag, coolers, briefcases, backpacks, fanny packs, cinch bags, luggage of any kind, seat cushions, computer bags and camera bags or any bag larger than the permissible size.

Yeah, BUT WHAT ABOUT TOOTHPASTE?

Other than maybe seat cushions and purses, who would bring any of those items anyway? I mean, if you wear a fanny pack unironically to a professional football game, you should get your ass kicked. That’s not even up for debate. Cowboys fan, Giants fan, Eagles fan— doesn’t matter. What are you carrying in there, Chief?

Speaking of Chiefs… we’re assuming Andy Reid’s utility belt will still be allowed under the league’s new – yet unannounced – Full Moon Prevention Program.