Screen Shot 2013-07-01 at 11.49.40 AMI’m not even sure what to make of this Radar Online story about Michael Vick’s ex-girlfriend, “Bella,” who is writing a tell-all book about the 10 years she spent with QB 7. Apparently, the Eagles aren’t the only Birds he’s failed:

Now, in an exclusive excerpt of the book, Escritor revealed how Vick, 33, simply forgot to move his pet bird, named Junior, from one home to another — he later discovered the exotic breed, dead, at the bottom of its cage.

He “had treated Junior like he was just another piece of furniture that they could just set aside and move at a later date,” the woman wrote in the tell-all, titled Quarterback Keeper.

In a second incident, Escritor alleged Vick recklessly starved his pet cockatoo, named Crystal, for more than a week while he traveled interstate.

Harry, I took care of it.

Not defending Vick, but to me, birds are flying demons. I never understood people who willingly invite talking avians into their homes and allow them to fly around and shit on the floor. Oh look, he says what I say. How cute! Meanwhile, Petey is taking a dump on your couch and planning your demise. Yeah, it’s funny now when he aimlessly flies into household fixtures, but just wait until he has systematically peckered away your smoke detector wires and accidentally knocks a candle onto his favorite shitting couch while you’re asleep. Then we’ll see how cute he is.

Although, if I was ever forced to live with one of those things, I’d want to to have a filthy mouth, like Crystal:

Mike decided that the home he lived in at the time was too small for someone of his stature. So he purchased a home in the same neighborhood that was more suitable to the growing size of his bank account. It didn’t take long for Mike to move out of one house and into the other. Two weeks after Mike moved into to his new mansion, he invited me over to see it. It was beautiful. Mike told me that his mother was responsible for decorating the place. When I walked into the living room area I noticed a new bird cage that held two birds at one time. That is the day I met Crystal. She was beautiful and very intelligent. She kept saying things like, ‘I love you Crystal’ and ‘Shut the f*ck up’. I figured she picked up the cursing from being next to the living room TV’s that were constantly on the rap video channel.

Sage advice from Crystal to Bella, actually.