Screen Shot 2013-05-06 at 12.09.56 PMAndrew Bynum is preparing to jerk-off another city.

DATELINE: CLEVELAND:

With training camp less than two weeks away, the Cleveland Cavaliers are likely to be without their biggest offseason acquisition.

But don’t panic, Andrew Bynum fans. No one expected the 7-footer to sprint at the start. Not after missing all of last season in Philadelphia with knee issues.

The Cavs haven’t set a specific timetable for Bynum’s return to actual game action — but they do have a plan. It’s to make sure Bynum is completely healthy before he ever puts on a uniform. In other words, the Cavs won’t rush him back just to quash any sort of fan anxiety.

This sounds… familiar. Go on…

One source familiar with Bynum’s progress told FOX Sports Ohio that Bynum is nowhere near ready and is likely to miss the entire preseason. He could, however, give it a go early in the regular season, if not for the opener Oct. 30 vs. the Brooklyn Nets.

This guy is a genius. Bynum is said to hate basketball. He made $17 million last season to do absolutely nothing here. He’s getting $6 million guaranteed from the Cavs (up to two years, $24 million). How much does a man need? Perhaps this game is more fun for him– to see how long he can go getting paid millions not to play at all. He likes to gamble and this is real, visceral gambling. Some Ocean’s 11 shit. He has no performance-based incentives. Rather, if he is on the Cavs roster after January 10, his full $12 million for this season is vested. If he’s waived before then? Just the $6 million. Last year, everyone assumed that he would come back late in the season, play enough games to show that he’s healthy, and then sign elsewhere. He didn’t… and he still got a $24 million deal (all he has to do is be on the Cavs roster next July 11 and all of that is guaranteed). You would assume he that he’d do that this winter, but it’s possible that he could cock-tease the Cavs just enough with an imminent return that they keep him around in January and he earns $12 million this season without ever playing a game. And then… he can do it again next summer, earning another $12 million based on a promise. Bynum can earn $41 million over three seasons without ever stepping foot on the court. He’s more than halfway there ($23 million so far!). I’m actually rooting for him at this point. This is the greatest magic trick ever performed. Come in close, because the more you think you see, the easier it will be to fool you.