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No thanks

We are in the midst of the Phillies-94.1 WIP online auction to benefit Phillies charities and ALS. There are a whole slew of items and experiences on which you can bid. Here are some of the best and worst:

 

Best

 

Play in a hockey game with Matt Stairs at the Wells Fargo Center

A unique opportunity to play ice hockey at the Wells Fargo Center with Phillies broadcaster and member of the 2008 World Series Champions, Matt Stairs. Play on a line with Stairs and listen to stories from his 19-year major league career, including his legendary home run in Game 4 of the 2008 NLCS. The private hockey scrimmage will take place early in the morning on a date TBD during the baseball off-season. The winner must be 21 years of age or older, provide their personal ice hockey equipment. Previous hockey experience is required.

I have no idea if you’ll be able to understand what Stairs is saying (he’s annunciating more, however), but this sounds great. He talked about it on the air and of course spoilsport Tom McCarthy had to ruin it by talking about the process of melting and remaking the ice.

 

Private pitching clinic with Cliff Lee and Kyle Kendrick

Pitching instruction with Phillies pitchers Kyle Kendrick and Cy Young Award winner Cliff Lee on the field at Citizens Bank Park. This package also includes six field level tickets for that evening’s Phillies game, as well as a behind the scenes tour of Citizens Bank Park.

Ummmmmmmm, yes, please. But Kyle (Kendrick) can stay home. Just me and Cliff should be fine. Do you think he prefers red or white wine. Also, is a sundress too solicitous?

 

Round of golf at Merion with Chris Stigall

The winning bidder and a guest (must be 18 or over) will play a round of golf at Merion Golf Club with Chris Stigall and a member host on a mutually agreed upon date with the member.

Honestly? This is another one where we can leave someone home. Nothing against Stigall, I just really want to play Merion, in peace, and this is going for only $1,000. Might be worth it. I seriously might bid on this. Just trying to weigh the backlash from Ms. CB when I explain to her that I paid $1,100 to shoot a 149 with a conservative talk show host.

 

Private catching clinic with Carlos Ruiz and Wil Nieves

Exclusive catching clinic with Phillies catchers Carlos Ruiz and Wil Nieves at Citizens Bank Park. This package also includes six field level tickets for that evening’s Phillies game, as well as a behind the scenes tour of Citizens Bank Park.

And if you’re lucky, Wil Nieves will bring pictures of his adorable daughter and cuckold your wife.

 

Private hitting clinic with Chase Utley

This exclusive hitting clinic is with one of the premiere offensive second basemen in Major League Baseball, Chase Utley. Receive hitting instruction inside the batting cage at Citizens Bank Park from the 5-time National League All-Star Game starter and 4-time National League Silver Slugger award winner. This package also includes six field level tickets for that evening’s Phillies game, as well as a behind the scenes tour of Citizens Bank Park.

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Those are penises hearts. No surprise that this is going for $3,550 right now.

 

Broadcast an inning on radio with Larry Andersen and Scott Franzke

Have you always wanted to broadcast a Phillies game? Do you enjoy the daily on-air banter between LA and Franzke? Here is your opportunity to sit in the booth and be heard on radio by your friends, family and thousands of Phillies fans as you call an inning of the game with the pros! The date will be mutually agreed upon with The Phillies and the inning will be predetermined. Additionally, you will receive two (2) Hall of Fame Club ticketsto the Phillies game that day. Please note that the conversation on air should be Phillies and baseball related. The Phillies reserve the right to remove you from the broadcast for any language or statements deemed inappropriate by the Phillies.

Can we have a beer, too?

 

 

Worst

 

Take Ben Revere to your school

You’ve heard about “Take Your Child to Work Day”, well Ben Revere is putting a twist on this tradition with “Take a Phillies Player to School Day”! This is a unique chance for one special student to shine at school as he/she and three friends are escorted into school by Phillies center fielder Ben Revere!

Just throwing this out there– but I don’t think Ben Revere’s that intelligent. No one wants to be the guy who brought the dumb kid to school.

 

Dinner in the executive dining room with Ruben Amaro Jr.

Ruben Amaro Jr. has enjoyed many experiences in baseball – Phillies batboy, NCAA Baseball Championship with Stanford, 8 year Major League Baseball career (including the ’93 NL Champion Phillies and ’95 AL Champion Indians), Assistant GM and now the Senior Vice President & General Manager of the Phillies. In his five years as GM, the Phillies have three NL East division titles, one NL pennant, and earned the best record in the National League in 2011. You and 3 guests will have the opportunity to talk baseball with Ruben over dinner in the Executive Dining Room at Citizens Bank Park prior to a Phillies game on a mutually agreed upon date during the 2014 season. Included in this package are four (4) Hall of Fame Club tickets and a parking pass to that evening’s game.

Maybe I’m a picker of nit, but why say the Phillies had the best record in the NL in 2010? They had the best record in all of baseball in 2010 and 2011. Don’t sell Rube short, because those are bound to be his crowning achievements and CV leaders once he’s fired this fall.

 

Private meet and greet with Jonathan Papelbon

Enjoy a VIP pregame tour of beautiful Citizens Bank Park with an unforgettable opportunity to meet Phillies closer and 5-time All-Star, Jonathan Papelbon. This package includes the opportunity to view batting practice from the field, a photo in the Phillies dugout, six field level tickets for that evening’s Phillies game, as well as a behind the scenes tour of Citizens Bank Park.

Something tells me Cinco Ocho will be real pumped about this. No thanks. If I want someone to smoke me out with noxious gas, I’ll watch a football game with my best man.

 

One day Phillies public relations experience

This experience includes the opportunity for one person to spend a day in the Phillies Communications Department, learning from Phillies staff members.You will have the opportunity to spend the day (2:00 pm-conclusion of game) with various members of the Phillies Communications Department and participate in the following:

• Creation of the game notes for that night’s game
• Support other miscellaneous Front Office game day duties
• Observe Ryne Sandberg’s pregame media availability in the Phillies dugout
• Dinner in the Phillies Press Dining Room
• Scoring the game in the Phillies Press Box
• Visiting the Phillies TV booth for an inning during the game
• Visiting the Phillies Radio booth for an inning during the game
• Sit-in for Ryne Sandberg’s post-game press conference
• Winner of this experience will also be mentioned in that night’s game notes and given a commemorative copy of the notes The winner of this experience will also be mentioned in that night’s game notes and given a commemorative copy of the notes.

Learn from the most antiquated PR department in the city famous for mis-messaging injuries, bungling beloved coach firings and the worst Twitter account of all-time.

 

Spend a day with WIP’s Mike and Ike

You and a guest will start your day by joining Michael Barkann and Ike Reese in studio at SportsRadio 94WIP. Go behind the scenes and watch how the Mike & Ike show reacts to the biggest sports stories and breaking news. You’ll take a tour of the station and enjoy lunch while enjoying the show. Your day continues with a visit to the Comcast SportsNet studios at the Wells Fargo Center to watch Michael Barkann host “Philly Sports Talk” from 5-6pm. Then walk over to Citizens Bank Park to enjoy seats in the Comcast SportsNet luxury suite overlooking home plate. Enjoy food and beverage and talk a little baseball with Michael Barkann.Date mutually determined among winner, SportsRadio 94WIP and Comcast SportsNet.

Nothing against Barkann, but I’d rather chew on gravel than hang out with Ike Reese.

 

Round of golf for three with Jamie Moyer

You and two other guests will have the opportunity to play a round of golf followed by lunch with Phillies broadcaster and member of the 2008 World Series Champion team, Jamie Moyer. It will be an unforgettable day of talking baseball with the left hander who won 269 games in his 25-year major league career. The round of golf will be played at the beautiful ACE Club in Lafayette Hill, PA on a mutually agreed upon date with a Phillies representative. If unable to play the round of golf due to heavy rain or inclement weather, the outing will be re-scheduled.

I’m actually not sure if this would be great or terrible. Moyer seems like a nice guy and I’d love to chat with him over four hours, but I feel like he’d spend the whole time telling me how to correct my swing. Now, you just want to angle your shoulders and get all your weight coming off your back foot and that will allow you to get behind the ball, but make sure to apply pressure with your index and middle fingers to get maximum rotation.

Wait, what sport are we playing here?

You can view all the items here.