A lawsuit and restraining order filed against Johnny Manziel last week (just a week after the NFL Draft, probably not coincidentally) has been unearthed. It’s so absurd that it reads like satire… but it was actually filed in a Florida District Court purportedly by Samantha Schacher of the Dr. Drew show on HLN (and indeed the filing lists CNN’s address). But Ian Rapoport of NFL.com says, per a court clerk, that the filer is a “frequent filer” and Samantha Schacher is an alias.
Still, the lawsuit is delightful. Here it is. Enjoy. And please read the whole thing– it’s worth it [click to enlarge]:
And you wonder why I was so disappointed that the Eagles didn’t draft Manziel.
She (or someone) got pretty much everything in there: Naked selfies? Check. Small penis? Check. Ol’ dick in the hot dog bun routine? Check. Vienna Sausage? Check. 1970s adult film reference? Check. LeBron James name drop? Check. Steroids? Check. Marijuana? Check. Alcohol? Check. Gay insinuation? Check. NCAA violations? Check. And the super disturbing image of Johnny Manziel unironically whipping out his tiny penis on It’s a Small World, jiggling it around and sending it to Dr. Drew’s co-host while perhaps further frightening children and families already creeped out by lifeless dolls encouraging peace and harmony? Happy Memorial Day, children.
Manziel’s agent, of course, denies everything:
This joke "lawsuit" is obviously 1000000% fake and/ or frivolous. Embarrassing I even have say this after reading the nonsense.
— Erik Burkhardt (@ErikBurkhardt) May 23, 2014
We will now await the counter defamation suits from Manziel and Schacher (can they do that?)
The full suit is after the jump.