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Back in 2014, former Eagle (and then reality-star) Hank Baskett made headlines when his Playmate wife dumped him after a reported affair with a transgender model. Hank has finally broken his silence on the matter, and the story he tells sounds like one he made up on the spot but decided to stick with after a year. Seriously, if this story is true, it’s among the most insane things to ever happen to anyone, anywhere. But he sounds like a teenager who just got caught with beer for the first time and he’s trying to explain it away.

Here’s Hank Baskett, telling People Magazine about the tale of the weed-dealing transgender fondler:

Last April, Baskett says he encountered a couple in a grocery store parking lot smoking marijuana. The former football player, 32, says he approached the couple to buy some pot; they gave him a phone number to call and, when he did, he was provided an address. Once he showed up at the home, Baskett says he used the restroom and when he emerged, “I saw something I thought I would never see in my life.”

Baskett says the person who answered the door, a transgender woman, was nude and making out with another transgender woman. “I froze,” says Baskett, visibly shaking as he recalls the memory. Then, the woman who answered the door approached Baskett and fondled him through his basketball shorts.

“I didn’t engage in anything,” he says. “It was like a bank robbery. You never know when you’ll freeze. I don’t know if it was a couple of seconds or 15 seconds, because all I was saying was get out, get out, get out.”

Seriously. This story has a “there was an icicle … and it fell … and it hit me” level of panic to it. You’re a millionaire. You live in LA. I’m sure you know how to get weed. What the hell, dude? Did he just watch a Risky Business/40-Year-Old Virgin double-feature before coming up with (or … experiencing) this? The world is a very, very strange place, but is it really secret-transgender-phone-weed service-that-comes-with-a-side-of-fondling weird?

via CSN, h/t @sircwn