This morning, I awoke from a dream. In that dream I was hanging out in Vegas with Dario Saric and Joel Embiid, drinking all the sodas that money could buy. Little did I know, that dream was actually a nightmare.

In today’s piece on SI’s The Cauldron, Brian Geltzeiler came out flame-shooting against the Sixers, Joel Embiid, Sam Hinkie, and his “process.” The heat was intense. For a moment, SI.com had to be evacuated. It was Chernobyl. But really, very little of it was new.

Joel Embiid got fat and loves soda. Oh boy. How will we ever recover? Let me start by saying I believe probably every word that was written about Embiid here. There is nothing in his persona that makes me think he’s a mature, hard-working, career-driven person. But he’s 21, faces a number of setbacks, and is still adjusting to American culture. How do I know that? Here’s a bit about the room service bill at the hotel where Joel lives:

“When the team subsequently asked to see Embiid’s room service bill, they found that most days he was ordering junk food along with his signature beverage, a pitcher of Shirley Temples.”

He’s gonna have so many cavities. True story: When I went to the pre-season game against the Cavs this week and Embiid and Hinkie were in the box next to me, I didn’t see Embiid drinking anything. He did, however, eat at least five grapes. Come on, he’s an athlete who’s never been rich, and now he is. He’s never been injured for a long time while being rich, and now he is. He’s spending all his money on sweet drinks? Color me unimpressed.

https://twitter.com/OhWowHmm/status/655008063628398592

Another big issue here is that Embiid, a 21-year-old, went to Vegas. THE GALL! Also, remember when Embiid had to get a second surgery and you said to yourself “well, maybe if he wasn’t hopping around dunking all the time.” As it turns out, people who work for the Sixers said that to themselves, too. Weird, right? It’s almost as if it was … common sense. [Seriously though, work ethic concerns with Embiid could turn into a bigger problem, but that’s not a new thing. Just the sweet, sweet sugar that he loves is.]

And then there’s Dario Saric. Geltzeiler writes that Saric’s father, a manager of sorts, wants him nowhere near the Sixers. Not sure how that came out, but I wouldn’t want to mess with Saric’s father, whom I imagine looks like five Bond villains rolled into one. He also said that there is no buyout on Saric’s contract at the end of this season. Sound the alarm, I repeat, there is no buyout. The Sixers cannot buy him out of his contract with Anadolu Efes. Only… they can. I’ll take the word of a guy who has been following this since day one:

Don’t let the “LOL Sixers” cannon get in the way of facts. Facts are weak. They’re flimsy. The cannon destroys and ignores them, for some time:

saric

Ah, the classic “editor mistake,” one with which I am all too familiar making. Carry on.

Finally, there’s the Michael Carter-Williams trade. Geltzeiler’s big scoop here? Sam Hinkie traded Michael Carter-Williams – part of his job – and Scott O’Neil wanted to make MCW part of future marketing campaigns – part of his job. Oh my god. Burn down The Center, how can the franchise ever survive this incredibly minor dust-up that happened months and months ago? We already knew Brett Brown wasn’t the biggest immediate fan of it either. Also, MCW is not a great NBA player.

So there we have it: Saric doesn’t have a buyout (false and being fixed), MCW’s trade rubbed some people the wrong way (old news), and Embiid has work ethic issues (older news). But please, would someone come put this piece out with a hose? The skin is falling from my hands. I’ve been too close to its heat for too long.