Here is your definitive ranking of professional sports All-Star Games:

1. No game at all
2. NBA
3. NHL
4. MLB

∞. NFL

They’re all dumb. The Pro Bowl serves zero purpose – just give players voted to the Pro Bowl a free Hawaiian vacation and have some kind of skills challenge – the NHL game is being tweaked and is headed in the right direction, but it, too, is pointless, and the MLB game holds unnecessary weight in the actual outcome of the league. Then there’s the NBA game, arguably the least anticipated part of All-Star weekend. For years, the three-point shootout and dunk contest have held more acclaim, but the game itself is a fun way for fans to watch players show off while filling the stat-sheet and avoiding injury. But don’t tell the Delaware County Daily Times’ Jack McCaffery that, because he wants to see some goddamned defense.

First of all, WHAT does this even mean?

https://twitter.com/JackMcCaffery/status/699075406314471424

Both teams are … trying to lose to set themselves up for a rebuild? I don’t recall the last time a Hinkie team shot 55% from the floor. Also, this:

https://twitter.com/JackMcCaffery/status/699075037022834688

Dogs parade around in circles, some of the most athletic humans on the planet put on a display of athleticism and ability. These are the same, somehow. I don’t get it.

gayfish

But McCaffery does offer an alternative:

https://twitter.com/JackMcCaffery/status/699077123726839810

Here’s the issue with complaining about a lack of defense and competitiveness in the All-Star Game: THIS. IS. WHAT. THE. GAME. HAS. ALWAYS. BEEN. Say it again. ALWAYS. Here’s a sampling of some ASG scores with some stats throughout history:

  • 2010: East 141, West 139
    • East shoots nearly 58%
  • 1992: West 153, East 113
    • West shoots 65% from the floor
  • 1987: West 154, East 149
    • Tom Chambers takes 25 shots (Paul George attempted 26 this year)
  • 1970: East 142, West 135
    • Teams score a combined 277 points at the Spectrum without a three-point line
  • 1962: West 150, East 130
    • Six players attempt 17 or more shots

In 1967, Rick Barry took 27 shots.

The ASG hasn’t always been this flashy, because the players haven’t always been this athletic. And in the modern NBA, with focus on the three-pointer, you’re going to see more of those shots than in previous years. So what? Steph Curry’s deep balls are a thing of beauty. I also enjoy his three-pointers. But the game means nothing. Bragging rights mean nothing. The outcome bears no weight. The only thing that actually makes it watchable is the steady stream of athleticism. No one wants to see a 95-94 defensive struggle, because this is the Whose Line is It Anyway of sporting events: everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. Just enjoy yourself. Jesus. Who brought Jack to this intertubes party?