Idiots Online Think Ben Simmons Is Part of a Massive Illuminati Conspiracy
We here at Crossing Broad are your foremost authority on the very true and not at all unhinged ramblings of basement-dweller conspiracies that surround our sports world. So of course we’re here to show you the truth behind Ben Simmons being drafted, the Illuminati* connections, and a bunch of math stuff that’s totally real.
First off, seven – SEVEN – is a very important number in freemasonry and Illuminati-ness (as are all numbers from 1-99, and most numbers after that). And would you just look at this blatant uncovering of the conspiracy, from an idiot on YouTube:
Ok, dude actually started off making sense a bit. WAKE UP SHEEPLE! Look at all of this Illuminati iconography, presented by State Farm:
And then Ben Simmons’ handshake with Adam Silver, the least convincing reptilian shapeshifter on Earth:
I’m sorry, do you need your safe space? Because the truth just got EXPOSED!
It’s here that this video takes a sharp turn from “isn’t this weird and funny?” to “THEY’RE PROBABLY GOING TO KILL US ALL.”
The conspirarists claim that Ben Simmons’ cousin, killed in a hit and run two days after the draft, was an Illuminati sacrifice (as was Wayne Ellington’s dad long after Ellington was drafted, for some reason):
There’s even another video – double the length of this one and from a different user – that lays out Simmons’ cousin as a sacrifice in the “Year of Philadelphia Basketball Sacrifices.”** Even if he gets his timeline a little wrong:
Giving Simmons the superstar treatment is also part of this vast Illuminati conspiracy. Wait…. KYLE IS PART OF IT!
Sans context, this is my favorite part:
OPEN YOUR EYES! I mean just look at this: Ben Simmons was drafted 1 overall and wears #25. Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot was drafted 24th overall and wears #20. 1+25+24+20 = 70. 7+0 = 7. SEVEN! THERE IT IS AGAIN. EXPOOOOOOOSED!
*Illuminati: The thing losers blame for running the world because they suck at life and can’t blame themselves.
*This video is not only double the length, but it’s comes with that classic “Neckbeard in His Parents’ Garage” narration to go along with it. This dude also thinks the Ultimate Warrior, Prince, and Muhammad Ali were a sacrifice so LeBron could win in Cleveland, which has to be true.
