(Caution: this post contains spoilers, so if you aren’t caught up on GOT, you’ve got less than 72 hours to binge)

 

Ah yes.

Fire and blood. Incest and dragons and whatnot.

Game of Thrones returns this weekend.

I’ll be 100% honest with you; I’m not as hyped as I thought I would be. Maybe the two-year break dulled my senses, or maybe some of the story arcs lost me when the show writers moved past George R.R. Martin’s book material. It took Arya Stark five seasons to cross the sea, for example, then she came back and started killing everybody in five seconds, with laughable ease.

It felt like some plot lines were taking forever to develop, then they put the characters in a DeLorean time machine and stuffed four years worth of material into one season, like a high fantasy burrito. We had to endure the Sand Snakes and redundant Ramsey Bolton behavior along the way. Every sadistic move delivered diminishing returns, in my opinion.

But I’m still ready to roll. Jon and Daenerys are on the same side. Cersei can’t be trusted. The Hound is still out there, ready to eat every chicken in Westeros.

Here’s how we imagined Philadelphia sports figures as GOT characters:

Markelle Fultz as Jaime Lannister

Both were excellent at their craft, then they suffered arm issues and were never the same.

What role will they play in 2019?

-Kinkead

any Sixers 1st round draft pick as Bran Stark

We see great things in their future, then they get hurt, can’t use their legs, and just watch things happen.

-Coggin

Domonic Brown as Brother Ray

Big Ian McShane fan right here, dating back to his days on the criminally underrated Deadwood.

Similar to Dom Brown, I had high hopes for Brother Ray, but then he was killed off after something like three scenes and that was pretty much it.

-Kinkead

Kendall Jenner as Cersei Lannister

They are the queens, whether we want to accept it or not.

-Kinkead, h/t Investor Jeff

Howie Roseman as Jon Snow

Both were forsaken/murdered by their own men, but found their way back to the top. Jon became Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and Lord of Winterfell. Howie Roseman reclaimed his general manager gig and constructed the team that won Philadelphia its first Super Bowl. Take that, Chip Kelly and Olly.

-Kinkead

Sam Hinkie as Ned Stark

Both men tried to steer the kingdom in the right direction.

Then they were betrayed from within and replaced with puppet leaders.

-Kinkead

Anti-Hinkie people as the Sons of the Harpy

They just did not like how the new leader was doing things. They preferred the old methods.

-Kinkead

(photo credit: HBO)

Eagles fans as the Dothraki

Uncouth barbarian hordes who throw batteries, boo injured players, and mistreat North Dakota radio hosts. They make crude jokes and show a lack of patience.

-Kinkead

Flyers fans as the Wildlings

We have to guard our borders from these Delaware County savages.

-Kinkead

Boban Marjanovic as Wun Wun the Giant

A couple of fan-favorite front court players. One can dunk without leaving the ground and the other smashed down Winterfell’s gate to end The Battle of the Bastards.

-Kinkead

Gritty as Tormund Giantsbane

Two more fan-favorite characters with great personalities and orange hair.

-Kinkead

(photo credit: USA Today Sports/HBO)

The Eagles’ offensive line as Hodor

Protecting the more vulnerable folks out there, whether they’re quarterbacks or omniscient cripples.

-Kinkead

Dario Saric as Khal Drogo

You might’ve thought, “Hmm… Dario Saric… Daario Naharis?” No, you fool. Dario Saric, just like Khal Drogo, is a revered and feared warrior from another continent who is never going to cross the sea. If he did, he’d likely get attacked by warriors with better lateral quickness.

-Russ

Phil Martelli as Ser Barristan Selmy

He served admirably for many years, then he was ousted by his superiors and didn’t take it very well.

-Kinkead

Andrew Bynum as the entire Dorne storyline

Just two terrible experiences overall.

-Kinkead

(photo credit: Sixers/HBO)

T.J. McConnell as Tyrion Lannister

Full disclosure: I have only watched two scenes from this entire show’s run. I watched the Red Wedding. And I watched the Viper get killed by the Mountain for no good reason. Anyway, this comparison is a little bit on the nose, but so what? TJ is kind of a mascot on the Sixers and in the NBA. He’s not really good enough to be in the league, but no one has told him to go away, so here he is. That’s sort of where we are with Peter Dinklage’s character. What can he really do among all this gore and violence and evil? For obvious physical reasons, he’s not much use. Because I don’t watch the show, I don’t care what happens to Tyrion Lannister. But I imagine TJ will be out of the league soon, and if that’s what happens to Tyrion on GOT, that’s fine with me.

-Phil

Andy Reid as Mance Rayder

Well liked by their followers, they were so close to getting the job done. They just couldn’t get over the hump and their lieutenants took over instead.

-Kinkead

El Wingador as The Hound

They will eat every fucking chicken in here.

-Kinkead

CrossingBroad.com as The Citadel

Endless sources of knowledge, wisdom, and sometimes satire.

-Kinkead

Chip Kelly as Euron Greyjoy

Chip Kelly came from a land that was mocked and looked down upon in NFL circles. He ran a gimmicky offense while crowning himself with a cute visor while chasing a duck. He looked like a fool. However, upon entering the NFL, his team began to take the league by storm.

“Build me a thousand ships and I shall give you the world!”

Then, much like Euron’s GQ model entrance to season 7, Chip arrived boldly, having cast aside his enemy Howie Roseman, practically cut out the tongues of his players (no one could criticize him), hunted down DeSean Jackson and Shady McCoy, handed them over to be locked in the Washington and Buffalo dungeons and watch one another decompose. Also like Euron in Season 7, when confronted with the reality that his players hated him and the league had learned his system, he fled.

Note: Yes, I know Euron’s getting the Golden Company.

-Russ

Alshon Jeffery as Daario Naharis

Both sell swords brought in to teams on the rise but not at their peaks on “prove it” deals. Alshon proved it in the playoffs and the Super Bowl while playing with a torn rotator cuff, Daario proved it by killing all of his colleagues for the Mother of Dragons.

Same thing.

-Coggin

DeSean Jackson as Jorah Mormont

They never asked to leave. They were exiled, then returned.

-somebody in Slack, can’t recall

Ray Didinger as Ser Davos Seaworth, the Onion Night

I haven’t found a person who dislikes either of these guys.

-Kinkead

(via NBC Sports Philadelphia/HBO)

Ben Simmons as Grey Worm

Neither has a lot to say. They’re more about action than words. And they’re dating high profile women in Kendall Jenner and Missandei.

-Kinkead

Angelo Cataldi as Lord Petyr Baelish, aka Littlefinger

They created legions of followers just by saying a bunch of shit. Everybody else can see through the mirage, but you begrudgingly tip your hat to their expertise in the art of self-preservation.

-Kinkead

Howard Eskin as Lord Varys

Both worked their way up from the bottom to hold court with some big names. No one is really sure what they do exactly at this point, what their end game is, or why anyone trusts them. Varys and Eskin both make bold fashion statements even though neither has the balls to back them.

-Craig

Bryan Colangelo as Jaqen H’ghar, The Faceless Man

You just didn’t know if you could trust him.

-someone in Slack

Barbara Bottini as The Waif

Minor female characters who ended up becoming universally disliked. Both just had a huge chip on their shoulder, for whatever reason.

-Kinkead

Dallas Cowboy fans who live in this region as King Joffrey

Just totally repulsive and vile. Ridiculous individuals with no redeeming qualities.

-Kinkead

Jason Peters as Beric Dondarrion

Every time you think he’s dead, he returns to life.

-Kinkead

Mo’Ne Davis as Lyanna Mormont of Bear Island

Small but formidable, these ladies came out of nowhere to become popular figures.

-Kinkead

https://youtu.be/AXAnxAA73xM

Nick Foles as Podrick Payne

A couple of crowd favorites with legendary private parts.

-Kinkead/Coggin

Agent Raymond Brothers as Mirri Maz Duur

Both suggested alternative medical treatments for their respective clients.

-Kinkead

Bronn as Bryce Harper

A sell sword who used to be a bad guy. Then we ended up becoming the highest bidder, so he’s one of ours and everybody loves him.

-Kinkead

The Phillie Phanatic as the Night King

No one knows who or what they really are.

-Kinkead

Any member of the 1993 Phillies as King Robert Baratheon

A lot of drinking and whoring going on here. *Allegedly.*

-Kinkead

Carli Lloyd as Daenerys Targaryen

A world cup winner and a possible world conqueror.

-Kinkead

Elena Delle Donne as Brienne of Tarth

A couple of tall blondes who have found much success in their respective crafts.

-Kinkead

Jerry Colangelo as Olenna Tyrell

Tried to insert her less than bright relative into a position of power and it got everyone killed.

-someone in Slack

(photo credit: USA Today Sports/HBO)

That’s it. That’s the story. Thanks for reading.