The Philadelphia Eagles season ended the only way it possibly could Sunday afternoon, with yet another injury to a franchise cornerstone the team just couldn’t overcome as they fell to the Seahawks in the Wildcard round of the NFC playoffs.

The team fought, it lost, and it put an end to a strange, strange season of professional football in Philadelphia. But just because the season is over doesn’t mean you have to put an end to creating new football memories. Create new, hazy, booze-soaked memories with the Philadelphia Eagles as the franchise sails you across the seven seas for its inaugural Philadelphia Eagles Fan Cruise from March 21 to 28 of 2021.

Finally, Eagles fans have the opportunity to take a break from their rigorous responsibilities of drinking in the Jetro lot every Sunday, instead having the opportunity to drink on a cruise ship for a week straight with their favorite Eagles legends and thousands of other drunken revelers. It will be a miracle if the ship’s captain can resist the temptation to plow the cruise liner into a sandbar after 48 consecutive hours of “Fly Eagles Fly” chants.

Ahoy! Let’s see what a minimum price tab of $1,700 (!) gets you after the jump, shall we?

First off, if you’re seriously considering purchasing a ticket to the cruise, well done. You’re a braver man or woman than I, as I cannot imagine a more ominous harbinger of doom than thousands of Eagles fans on a cruise ship sailing through international waters, outside of the ship actually being skippered by the great-great-great grandson of the captain of the Titanic.

Before delving into the ship, its destinations, or its amenities, let’s see what makes this cruise an EAGLES cruise catered directly to Eagles fans:

From the moment you step foot on Royal Caribbean’s incredible Anthem of the Seas, the fun begins! Meet and greet your favorite players and participate with fellow fans in countless activities, like flag football and beach volleyball. At night, enjoy an Eagles trivia competition with Merrill Reese and some of the legendary Eagles players.

Hopefully Merrill Reese is of sound mind and body to break up the fistfights that devolve from the trivia competition. Can Merrill swim? He’ll inevitably be knocked overboard by Robby from Lansdowne as he swings wildly at another trivia competitor for stealing his last soft pack of Parliament Lights.

Players currently being advertised to appear on the cruise are Ike Reese, Jason Avant, David Akers, Jeremiah Trotter, Quintin Mikell, and several others who will surely realize what a colossal mistake it was to agree to this the moment the ship leaves port and the first Yuengling-soaked Broomall resident yells at them about a missed tackle in 2003.

Dave Spadaro is also being advertised for the cruise for some reason. If you’re decision on attending an Eagles cruise hinges on the availability of Dave Spadaro you may have some deeper issues that need to be worked out that go FAR BEYOND a simple vacation.

But where exactly does this ship of the damned set its course?

Set sail in style with the Philadelphia Eagles to some of the most desirable vacation spots in Florida and the Bahamas. Your first port is Cape Canaveral, where you can visit the Kennedy Space Center or play like a kid at the many theme parks in Orlando.

Translation: 99% of you will get shitfaced trying to complete the “beers around the world” challenge at Epcot, while the remaining 1% of you will spend a disappointing day at the Kennedy Space Center after you realized you got on to the wrong bus at the dock.

Your next port is Perfect Day® at CocoCay®, Bahamas, Royal Caribbean’s exclusive private island where you can enjoy larger-than-life thrills or unwind at a peaceful waterfront chill spot. Our last port will be in Nassau, Bahamas, the place many people simply call paradise. You can visit the world-famous Atlantis resort, swim with dolphins or go horseback riding on the beach.

Nobody’s going horseback riding. Don’t even bother getting the saddles out. Thousands of Philadelphians wearing jorts in favor of bathing suits will create an international incident as they swarm the dolphin tanks at Atlantis to funnel Yards Pale Ale down the blow holes of several very confused animals.

But what about the ship itself, Royal Caribbean’s “Anthem of the Seas?”

From upscale entertainment and meeting spaces to the first skydiving simulator at sea, this vessel promises a relaxing atmosphere paired with ultra-modern facilities. Order cocktails mixed by robots at the Bionic Bar and take in a Broadway-style production of We Will Rock You. Grab a workout in the state-of-the-art fitness center or get your energy out by scaling the rock-climbing wall. For a fun afternoon, enjoy the bumper cars, roller skating and more.

The cocktail mixing robots will be broken two hours into the trip after one-too-many sucker punches from Ardmore residents for not knowing how to make a “pickleback” shot. Half of the bumper cars will be in the Atlantic and half will be terrorizing the cruise liner hallways before the dock is out of sight. The morgue will be filled with rigor mortised corpses adorned in Dawkins jerseys of those who foolishly tried to jump into the pool from the top of the rock-climbing wall.

The state-of-the-art fitness center will be spotless and unused, it’s equipment gathering dust by the day.

But surely there will be some one-on-one time with the Eagles legends, right?

This is sure to be one of your favorite memories from the Eagles fan cruise: dinner with one of the Philadelphia Eagles players or alumni! It doesn’t get much better than having some face-to-face time and focused attention from one of the greats in football!

THEY GOT CHEESESTEAKS ON THIS CRUISE?! I’M HAVING DINNER WITH VINCE PAPALE TONIGHT AND I CAN’T WAIT TO GET HIM INTO A HEADLOCK FOR LETTING MARKY MARK PLAY HIM IN THAT “INVINCIBLE” MOVIE.

Your choices of Eagles legends will be fairly limited by the end of the trip, as most will have locked themselves in their state rooms by day three after the countless requests to do Oklahoma Drills on the Fiesta Deck.

Look, I’m sure it will be a fine cruise, but is there any possible way that it doesn’t end in an alcohol-drenched mutiny by the passengers? The “Anthem of the Seas” piloted by a man in a sun-faded Fred Barnett jersey as it hurtles along at 50 knots into the black depths of a maelstrom? Or at the very least dry-docked in the Bahamas for weeks after passengers successfully removed one of the ship’s propellers and cast it overboard?

Sounds like a relaxing trip. Have fun everyone, let me know how it ends if you ever make it back to port. Go Birds.

https://youtu.be/k0JQSANu2xg