MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred guaranteed Wednesday that fans will see a 2020 baseball season, despite the obvious rift between the players and owners in the latest of a long line of infuriating labor disputes that slowly drives the railroad spike into the cranium of baseball fandom one agonizing inch at a time.

Players want more money to play an abbreviated season amid a global pandemic and the risk it brings. Billionaire owners want to hide the money they do make by not opening their books and can’t understand why everyone isn’t cool with “just taking our word for it.” Manfred wants to pick his nose and sue random twitter accounts for showing baseball highlights without the expressed written and verbal consent of Major League Baseball.

The fans just want to watch baseball. The only way that’s going to happen this year? Manfred gets the boot into the abyss.

And who’s going to replace him? Me.

Commissioner Coggin has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Authoritative without being too stern… the kind of commissioner who won’t take shit from the media, but who can regularly be seen ripping Marlboro reds and pounding Budweisers in the stands of a random Padres game on a Tuesday night. Really mixing it up with the common man in the bleachers of Wrigley field on a 103 degree August afternoon game by day and brokering multi-million dollar advertising deals by night. Breaking necks and cashing checks. Watching bombs and… business aplomb? Yes that works nicely.

It’s a beautiful dream and what’s absolutely best for business. Manfred has had his time. It’s time to inject some life into this dying league and I know just how to do it.

My first order of business as commissioner? I’m going to need an official statement from the Phillies on whether or not principal owner John Middleton wears a toupee if he hopes to continue in any kind of a leadership role for the franchise. Let’s really tackle that one right out of the gate. Some days it seems as if Middleton has a head full of lusciously side-parted auburn locks, just begging to drive the women of Philadelphia wild. Other days it looks like he has a wet brown mop on his head. I just.. I can’t concentrate if I don’t get an answer on this one, gang. Give me a sign, Phillies, blink once for real and twice for rug, I don’t care, JUST GIVE ME AN ANSWER.

With that out of the way we can easily focus attention to getting this season underway. We’re not losing a season under Commissioner Coggin’s watch, never have, never will. 75 games, pro-rated salary, stamp it and shout into the ether. Perfect amount of games for an abbreviated season, keeps the trust of the players union, and who cares about owners? They’ll be fine. Maybe Harold Steinbrenner makes $10 million less this year and has to settle for the Tesla Model S without every upgrade? Boo hoo.

If you make the playoffs, you continue to receive the pro-rated per-game salary that you made in the regular season. But to really sweeten the pot, to really make this season have a HOOK to reel in the on the fence fans? Every member of the World Series winning team gets an additional $1 million payout at the end of the year. BANG. Now we got a season going. Get a sponsor for it, take it out of the MLB coffers, embezzle it from Bud Selig’s estate….I don’t care how it’s done I just want it done damnit.

I plan to get REAL WEIRD with this season. It’s already going to be a disaster with the pandemic, nobody is expecting it to be good, so why not throw as much weird shit at the new Phanatic and see what sticks?

You want something that has a great chance at sticking after this year? For each televised game, two innings MUST be broadcast without announcers. For those two innings, mic up the home plate umpire, the pitcher, the catcher and each batter. Broadcast what they’re saying. The games are all on a delay, you can edit out any cusses or edgy material, and it would be fascinating to hear the chatter you never get to hear otherwise. I want to hear Max Scherzer cursing the souls of all who oppose him in crystal clear clarity. Do we really need to listen to Ben Davis waxing poetic about the distinctly different sounds ash bats make from maple bats for nine full innings? Friends, you do not.

We’re going to bring the bloated and battered corpse of this league into the 21st century kicking and screaming. Mike Trout and Mookie Betts will serve as the faces of the league whether they want to or not. What do you get as being the “face” of the league? How about contract bonuses, new cars, or the new PS2 all the kids are talking about? Not too bad, huh? They’ll get on TikTok, they’ll get on Instagram, and they’ll entertain us all or NEW faces will be brought in. God bless it, Mike, don’t make me replace you with Aaron Judge, I beg of you.

You want to put highlights on your Twitter account with 15 followers? You go right ahead. I hereby declare the MLB is now the wild west. You want to make a meme of Commissioner Coggin passed out on the concourse in Citizens Bank Park during a dollar dog game? Don’t forget to tag the MLB twitter account so we can give it a retweet. LET’S GET NUTS.

You want to dub famous WWE calls from Good Ol’ J.R. over an entire game on YouTube? Bah gawd, that sounds like the best idea I’ve ever heard. Get the game out on social media, make fun of it, let’s get some EYEBALLS on it people. It’s America’s game, but it’s on life support and needs a good jolt from the paddles to get going again.

It’s all happening, people. Manfred knows his days are numbered, the league is begging for new leadership and it’s time to guide this buggy into the outfield alley of milk and honey.