Marcus Hayes is up to his old tricks when he’s not getting a needle in the ass like he’s Barry Bonds in the 2000s. Look at this woman. She’s seen the horrors of COVID and Marcus Hayes’ butt was the most frightening part:

I can’t believe they still let this guy write. Tenure is a real bitch. Here’s what he penned in his latest jizz rag, titled “P.J. Tucker can’t make Joel Embiid and James Harden man up for the Sixers | The 37-year-old journeyman won’t make the 76ers’ superstars stop whining and dogging it:

Tucker’s a dependable player and a grown man, but any supposition that his toughness will somehow, by osmosis, make other Sixers tougher is ridiculous. Men either get tougher or they don’t. 

If Harden and Joel Embiid are going to toughen up, as Tobias Harris (of all people) told us they must, it won’t happen because P.J. Tucker and his liniment-scented uniform drives them to plumb depths of resolve they haven’t yet reached. If the Beard and the Process finally start playing like grown men, then it will be because they’ve grown up all by themselves.

Marcus Hayes writes like I used to in high school when the teacher made the assignment a mandatory 500 words. Put your Thesaurus away man. Just tell us that P.J. Tucker won’t make the Sixers tougher and call it a day. You’re throwing too many big words at me. Because I don’t understand them, I’m going to take them as disrespect:

I can’t imagine being a back-to-back MVP runner up and still getting shit in this city from an absolute nobody. I know I’m falling into a web of Marcus Hayes bullshit, but it’s too much fun proving him wrong. If Joel Embiid playing with a bad thumb and orbital fracture during the playoffs, while logging almost 40 minutes a night and giving us 24 points and 11 rebounds, isn’t tough, I don’t know what is. Mental toughness doesn’t make up for the lack of a bench. Mental toughness doesn’t make up for no scoring depth or rebounding. I’ll even defend Harden and his calf injury now that he signed for $15 million less. He’s earned the belief that he actually wants to win this year.

I just can’t believe an editor can look at this stuff and print it:

“They won’t be better because Tucker magically makes them tougher. They’ve been soft ever since Embiid started playing in 2016, out of shape and distracted by his pursuit of fame over functionality.”

Is this the same guy who doesn’t do anything but sit in his apartment after games and play FIFA? Spotting Embiid out in the city now is like catching Bigfoot. Marcus wouldn’t know that, though. He just wants to fling shit from wherever he writes instead of doing the research. He’s had the same playbook for 20 years now. He’s like Frank Beamer trying to play Beamer Ball in the spread offense era. The game has passed him by. He’s only around because of tenure and the labor union.