Jon Dorenbos, temporarily back from LA, where he’ll compete in the America’s Got Talent semifinals next week, did a solid for all the hard-working Secret Service members who visited the Eagles today – fully armed 😳 – and performed a fantastic magic trick for them.
Anyone want to know how he did it?
Side note: Shady having herpes is one of the least surprising things ever. It falls somewhere between Russia hacking US emails and Lois Einhorn having a penis on my shocked scale– like, it’s fairly notable and elicits a mild reaction, but ultimately you knew it all along and you’re just glad you weren’t the one to discover it.
H/T to (@danspencer1013)
The Phanatic has basically been a co-host of the Today show this week, popping up everywhere. That didn’t prepare Savannah Guthrie and Matt Lauer for his surprised appearance this morning.
One thing: Hey Phanatic, Guthrie is pregant. You can’t be scaring pregnant ladies like that. But feel free to scare the ever-living shit out of Lauer and Carson Daly all you want.
I’m honest to God not sure if this guy is dead, relieved to get a good seat, or a fainting goat. Either way, this looks like the longest run he’s had since working out with Chris Griffin some years ago:
I am stunned. STUNNED. I’ve done some shitty things on this website. I posted pictures of Cliff Lee playing with his kids in Rittenhouse Square. I posted a picture of Chase Utley’s baby (and then received a threatening phone call on behalf of Jen Utley, who several years later would order two The Man shirts from me, presumably for her and Chase*). I ruined Riley Cooper’s marketability. I single-handily forced Jeff Carter into refusing to take pictures with fans for fear that they would wind up on CB. I slut-shamed a puck slore. I posted a panty shot from a Phillies game. Like the last episode of Seinfeld, you could round up all of the individuals and groups I’ve wronged and together they would paint the portrait that I am a truly terrible person. I’m fine with that.
But never did I think revealing Jon Dorenbos’ magic trick would lead to public outrage the way it has. Even my Mom is pissed:
This outrage is just a bunch of Joe Biden malarkey. It wasn’t meant to out Dorenbos. Quite the contrary. Anyone with half a brain who no longer believes in Santa knows that Dorenbos is not actually a wizard. He doesn’t have superpowers (unless of course you count a long snapper continuously pulling impossibly hot blondes or other wed-unlocked tail). He’s just a terrific showman. And so when I see a great magic trick – and it is a trick, despite what the douchebags who keep correcting me on the proper noun have to say – I immediately want to know how it was done. Consider my curiosity piqued, stimulated even– touching the tip of my desire to KNOW.
In fact, I stumbled upon the reveal videos by accident a few weeks ago, when I searched YouTube for a video of Dorenbos’ AGT appearance and realized that there’s a cottage industry of daring magicians eager to out their peers. I found it fascinating, and figured most of you would, too. How did The Great Dorenbos pull off his latest improbable feat of human manipulation? As usual, because I’m so goddamned good at what I do, I was right. Here are our top posts yesterday:
That second one is the first post we did, two weeks ago.
And yet here come the self-righteous zealots, feigning outrage over the existence of a video that 1) I didn’t make, and 2) THEY DON’T HAVE TO WATCH, MOM!
Leave me alone, you wonderers. Grow up, Peter Pans, Count Choculas– the world shall know the secrets of stagecraft!!!
*So yes, in fact I am Chase Utley’s stylist.
Jon Dorenbos is going to the semifinals on America’s Got Talent. NBC 10:
Fans of the show and team backed Dorenbos and pushed him into the semi-finals next week. It’s unclear how he will balance his magic fame with his duties as Eagles long-snapper since Eagles veterans reported for training camp Wednesday. He is due in Philly for the first set of training tests Thursday. He will continue to make the trip between Philadelphia and Los Angeles next week. Luckily for him, the Eagles don’t have practice scheduled for next Tuesday.
Linebacker Joe Walker is looking good. Philly.com:
The linebacker, whom the Eagles selected with the third-to-final pick in the seventh round of this year’s draft, didn’t expect to be talking to many reporters this summer. His plan, he said, was to come in, put his head down and work to get better. He didn’t think he would have to think about giving good answers. That changed when Doug Pederson went out of his way to compliment Walker after Wednesday’s practice.
Ryan Mathews is hurt again. Philly.com:
But nearly everybody disputes that Mathews can carry a heavy load without breaking down. He has appeared in all 16 games once in his six-year NFL career. That was 2013, the season he gained 1,255 yards on 285 carries and scored six touchdowns for the Chargers. The year after that, he was healthy for six games, and the year after that, he was an Eagle. After a tremendous start to 2015, Mathews suffered an October groin injury and tailed off considerably, undergoing surgery at season’s end. So when the Eagles announced Wednesday that Mathews would start training camp on the nonfootball injury list, after rolling an ankle while running last week, the news generated more head-shaking than it might have for another player.
The Eagles are wearing helmet cams in practice. CBS Philly:
The Eagles unveiled a new “helmet cam” on Wednesday as rookies and selected veterans went through another morning workout. The new device will give the player a different perspective when reviewing video to correct mistakes. For Countess, the helmet video give him a chance to literally have a new look at how he performs on the practice field.
Doug Pederson likes them. Philly Voice:
“Those are great devices to have,” said Pederson. “In fact, we used them in Kansas City with the quarterbacks. We put them on their helmets before. It gives you the opportunity to see from the player’s vantage point, to see where they’re looking, where their eyes are. Are they looking in the right direction? Are they on the right reads? Defensively, are they in the right spots? And then you can evaluate and help correct the player.”
Linebacker Myke Tavarres has a chance at making the team. Philly Mag:
“He’s not that guy [that will be a linebacker/safety hybrid],” Jim Schwartz said during OTAs. “He’s more going through the transition of moving back and being more coverage oriented. You know, I think that’s going to best fit his skill set. He can run, made a lot of plays in college, but he also went from junior college, cup of coffee at Arkansas to Incarnate Word, so he’s got a big jump ahead of him. But he has the skill set to be able to do it. That was another guy like Quentin [Gause] that we thought a lot of after the draft and tried our best to get him. We were lucky enough to get him signed.”
Wentz looked good. NJ.com:
Wentz had a very solid showing in his first training camp practice without Bradford around. It was clear the quarterback was being much more vocal with his teammates, routinely walking around and encouraging them. After some accuracy issues on Tuesday, Wentz was much sharper with the ball. Wentz did a nice job when he was down in the red zone, throwing two touchdowns that were each a little over 10 yards.
Wendall Smallwood plays big. CSN Philly:
He looks like a small back. He’s built like a small back. He wants to play like a big back. Wendell Smallwood, trying to make the Eaglesas a reserve tailback, stands 5-foot-10, 208 pounds, but he said he’s got a surprise for defenders that think he’s one of those itty-bitty backs that dances around looking pretty … until they get hit.
Whining media members aren’t exclusive to Philly, or political reporters from Denver who take bold stances. Pampered reporters, used to free lunch buffets, swag, and grafting the importance of the people they cover onto themselves, like their jobs to be as easy as possible, and when they’re not they take to Twitter to tell all their followers of their great injustice.
Dan McQuade at PhillyMag – who does reliably great work by the way – pulled together just a sampling:
And then, this came across our timelines today:
I’m sure some of these reporters are from places like Utah and Ohio and other states I’ll never visit. But those who proudly drop “New York” or “Washington, D.C.” into their Twitter bio (with their admittedly superior subway system) and don’t use the trains? You lose the right to complain and should know better. Shame.
One concern with bringing in Ryan Mathews last year – other than the question of paying both Mathews and DeMarco Murray – was his history of injuries. That first issue was resolved quickly when Murray under-performed and Mathews frankly over-performed. With Murray gone and confidence in Mathews as a feature back, the Eagles are heading into training camp with him at the top of the depth chart, injury concerns out of their mind. Except he’s hurt.
Ryan Mathews is opening his year on the non-football injury list because he reported to camp with an ankle injury he sustained while training for training camp. The injury isn’t expected to be serious, but the right foot to start off camp on isn’t a bum ankle.