Philly Kids Lose to Men from Sin City

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I’m rage posting right now. I’m several beers deep, am watching the post-game show for a Little League game, just yelled at my wife for removing her rally cap, and have the uncontrollable urge to Mitch Williams an umpire with a stump hand who, I think, is volunteering for the betterment of the youth of America but also perhaps on the take from a Vegas casino because his Transformer strike zone shrinks to a harmless little box when Taney is on the mound, but grows THIIIIIIIS BIG and has all sorts of protruding extensions that make no sense when Vegas is in the field.

This is why we can’t have nice things, Philadelphia. Oh, here comes sweet, little Taney, with a diverse group of characters and a girl as their star player.  Now, let’s stack the deck against them. Let’s have them play NEVADA, a team whose name I write in ALL CAPS to symbolize the giant man children who play for them. That’s just Austin Kryczyukycycykykcykuk– he’s six feet tall with junior prom acne, advancing stubble, a Biogenesis arm, and a newborn at home (congrats to him and his wife!). His nickname is AK-47, because that’s not fucking terrifying or anything. Is this The Hunger Games? Where’s Katniss? I NEED KATNISS. And there’s the first baseman, who has the exact same measurements as me – 6’0, 168 – but our ages are an anagram. Oh and they’re all coached by John Harbaugh lookalike, Captain America, who delivered the following speech to new dad Kryschsdasdfsad on live TV:

“This is America. This is why we’re here. To play the game of baseball. The freedoms that we have.”

That happened. No really. A grown man used his 15 minutes to try to encapsulate the underlying message of The Sandlot during a mound visit to his very own sub-human MAN CHILD. I half expected a voiceover about Wendy Peffercorn to follow. Pretty sure Kryscsadfdakfjdcuk responded with: “If he dies, he dies.”

And despite all that, Taney still had a chance to win the game, to blow it wide open with men people on-base. But nope. Along came Donovan J. McNabb and his mush-ism, which made its way to ESPN:

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THANKS, FIVE. NO ONE LOVES YOU. Somehow, it’s all McNabb’s fault. Again. I need to go to bed… with my #rallycap.

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The Eagles Traded for a Kicker

Tired of Murderleg and Noodleleg, the Eagles have traded running back David Fluellen (whom they were about to release anyway) to the Colts for kicker Cody Parkey (who had already been placed on waivers).

Just yesterday, Zach Berman wrote that the Eagles were still keeping their options open at kicker since Alex Henery has the leg strength of a tall bird.

Parker was signed as an undrafted free agent by the Colts and waived yesterday in favor of Adam Vinatieri, who is 602.

Colts Authority on Parkey:

To make room for Cureton, the team waived rookie kicker Cody Parkey. Parkey wouldn’t have made the final roster unless Adam Vinatieri wasn’t healthy, but he did have some nice kickoffs and made two field goals last week against the Giants. Inexperienced kickers sometimes bounce around for a while before making a team, but Parkey did exactly what he needed to do in his short time with Indianapolis and still could find himself playing football somewhere soon.

And here’s video of him kicking field goals in perfect indoor conditions:

Haven’t seen a kicker make a 51+ yarder since Akers.

UPDATE: It’s Parkey, not Parker.

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In an Effort to Jinx the Hell out of Taney, the Phillies Hung Their Shirt in the Dugout Today

Photo: Phillies Twitter

Photo: Phillies Twitter

The Phillies, the baseball team equivalent of penguins sliding down a glacier, are trying so hard to latch on to the Taney phenomenon. They’ve long since changed their Twitter Avatar to Taney’s weird, late-90s-era rainbow wave dragon fire logo, and today, they hung a Taney t-shirt in the dugout, just so they could rub their bad juju all over the damn thing.

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Chip Kelly Diving Head-First into an Inflatable Pool of Ice Water is the Best Thing You’ll See This Week

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The Eagles did the #IceBucketChallenge yesterday (I didn’t blog about it because my soul is slowly eroding from writing that hashtag). It was good. They all stood in an inflatable pool and howled like Judge Doom melting while four backhoes poured cold water on them (another sentence we’re going to look back on in 12 years with great wonder). What was left unseen, however, was Chip Kelly performing a fat man swan dive into the pool. Amazeballs.

Hilarious audio after the jump. Continue reading

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Mo’ne Davis Autographs Are Going for $500 on Ebay

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This is about where I’d sing Lee Greenwood’s God Bless The USA, because right now, a Mo’ne Davis signed Little League baseball is going for (with 12 hours remaining) $510!

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The listing even comes complete with a horribly-lit picture of Mo’ne (allegedly) signing the ball:

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A few things:

1) Assuming this thing is real, I must say, I love Mo’ne’s signature. When I was 31 13, I used to practice my autograph in a black and white composition notebook, trying out all sorts of crazy, swirly designs just in case I ever became a famous athlete. God help the world if I had. I would’ve been such a prick with an obnoxious autograph to match it. But not Mo’ne. Like everything else she does, she’s just a kid, signing shit with bad handwriting like she’s writing her name on the attendance slip for science class.

2) Mo’ne. If this doesn’t solidify her reaching one-name status, I don’t know what does.

3) Don’t pay $510 for this. I’m not an autograph guy, so I’d probably only pay $500 for signatures from, in this order: Babe Ruth, Steve Jobs, John Hancock and Jesus (and his would require a verifying face-stamp). But if you really want Mo’ne’s signature, just hire a kid to steal her spelling homework or something. Don’t buy this.

Anyway, weird times right now. In 12 years, we’re going to look back on 2014 as the year a 13-year-old girl was the most famous athlete, people dumped water on their heads, cops terrorized citizens in Missouri, and the 777 magic trick began.

H/T to (@EFQZ)

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The Eagles Announced New Food Offerings at The Linc Yesterday, and Yep, There’s a Former Player BBQ

Photo: Eagles

Photo: Eagles

Yesterday, Aramark and the Eagles announced a whole new lineup of concession food stuffs that Aramark can ruin. Joining the already available Tony Luke’s Cheesesteaks, Chickie’s and Pete’s Crab Fries, McNally’s The Schmitter, and other familiar fare, Aramark is adding [via CBS Philly]:

To the concourses

Dunkin’ Donuts and Rita’s Italian Ice will now be available in general concessions. Dunkin’ Donuts will now offer their signature coffees, iced coffees and hot chocolate in sections 104, 117, 136, 123, 224, 203, CS20, CS37, while Rita’s will offer a variety of popular flavors.

To the Club Level Market

  • NEW! Marc Vetri’s ‘Pizzeria Vetri,’ serving fresh-made artisan pizza, fired in a Brick oven. Options include Margherita Taglio, Salsiccia Taglio and Rotolo.
  • Chef Peter McAndrews’ Paseano’s offers made to order culinary favorites, like The Paesano and Chicken Diavlo.
  • A selection of Grab-n- Go menu items  freshly  prepared to be quick and healthy
  • Exclusive Liberty Bell Brewing Co., offering a variety of  craft beers and seasonal brews, popular domestic beers and wine on tap, a more eco-friendly way to serve wine.

And the headliner

Eagles Legends Mike Quick and Harold Carmichael were two of the best players in franchise history, and now they’re sharing their hunger for the game with ‘Quick & Carmichael BBQ,’ featuring their vision of the perfect barbecue sandwich. Here, fans can choose between The Quick (black cherry smoked pulled pork with house made slaw on a potato roll) or The Carmichael (maple sugar smoked pulled chicken with house made slaw on a potato roll), or if they don’t want to play favorites, a combination of the two, The Quick & Carmichael (black cherry smoked pulled pork, maple sugar smoked pulled chicken, topped with house made slaw, on a potato roll). Each sandwich is available with choice of Kansas City Style Barbecue Sauce or Carolina Vinegar Barbecue Sauce.

Located at the Tork Café in the SCA Club and Market in the Panasonic Club. The sandwiches are also available in concessions behind section 134

Why is it that former athletes always get BBQ sandwiches and pits? Nothing against a fantastic pulled pork sandwich, but isn’t there any other food item former athletes are passionate about? What might the concessional choices of the current Eagles look like in a few years? Some ideas:

 

LeSean McCoy: Sliders.

Nick Foles: Eh, just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Nothing fancy.

Riley Cooper: White-meat turkey with mayonnaise served on white bread with a side of white corn.

Jason Kelce: A burger and two shots.

Lane Johnson: The 17 Grand Steak.

Connor Barwin: Poached duck in a red wine reduction served atop a bed of baby arugula, upgradable to a combo with a side of pommes frites and a craft beer.

Alex Henery: Short ribs.

Chip Kelly: Jimmy John’s.

Jeremy Maclin: Pulled pork… ligaments.

Mark Sanchez: Butt Roast.

Darren Sproles: Salt– can be used on any of the other dishes mentioned.

Trent Cole: Venison.

Cary Williams: A live animal that you talk shit to before eating. And scones.

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The Soon-to-be-closed Revel Hemorraghed Money in the Most Hilarious Way Possible

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Oh, the Revel. The pricey, overtly-grand, poor customer-serviced, market-deaf casino never caught on and, after being forced to declare bankruptcy for a second time this summer, announced that it will close its doors next month. But it’s not often that a business which has lost investors comically large bags of cash actually loses comically large bags of cash.

From the Press of Atlantic City:

Earlier this month, more than $20,000 was lost when an armored car company picked up money from the Atlantic City casino — and left one of the bags on the roof.

Now, an investigation is underway to find out what happened to the money.

Hours after GardaWorld armored car services made a cash pickup at Revel on Aug. 6, the casino was notified that nearly $21,000 in currency was missing, according to an incident report obtained by The Press of Atlantic City. The report does not indicate the total amount of the full transaction.

I’d start by checking the SWAT team…

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The Sixers’ New Mascot Is Likely Coming This Fall

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Ridiculously photogenic Ben Davis lookalike Devils and Sixers CEO Scott O’Neil spoke with the Philadelphia Business Journal about the business aspects of running a team that, at the moment, is actively trying to be the worst in professional sports. He didn’t say anything too Earth-shattering, but he did reveal that a new mascot is currently being tested by focus groups of small children:

PBJ: Will the team finally have a new mascot this year?

O’Neil: It looks like we will. That’s in development right now. We have kids coming in as part of focus groups to help with the design and the name. We’re looking at a November or December launch.

Guessing the market research is almost complete, what with summer vacation drawing to an end and all.

O’Neil also talked about two additional big-time sponsorships the Sixers are working on:

PBJ: And sponsorship deals?

O’Neil: The corporate support is there. We are involved in three of the biggest sponsorship deals in the franchise’s history. [The first of which with PartyPoker.com was activated last season ]. Two haven’t been finalized yet, but they are coming.

You can’t help but wonder if, like the Party Poker deal, these are hybrid deals involving the Sixers and their sister team, the New Jersey Devils. This sort of thing makes my mouth taste bad, but I’d be lying if I said Harris and his pragmatic approach wasn’t growing on me. I may have been wrong about him.

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