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Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”

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WE’VE GOT A PANIC ON OUR HANDS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY!

There have been so many shark (and Portuguese Man O’ War) sightings and attacks over the past week that I’ve been putting this post off due to the staggering volume of accounts. So I see no another way to do this other than to just go by date.

 

June 20

A Daily Beast article about the presence of Great Whites off the coast of Cape Cod, which, yep, is straight out of the movie:

“Don’t swim in areas where there’s high concentrations of seals and sharks are likely to be spending their time.“

And even if you do somehow get bit, try not to take it personally.

“We know the sharks are not actively attacking or going after people because we just aren’t having the interactions we would have if that were the case,” he explains. “But the shark could make a mistake. It’s a wild animal. So don’t put yourself in a position where you could increase the probability of an interaction.”

“There’s no empirical evidence that sharks will adapt their diet to consume humans,” Skomal says, humor in his voice. “I think they could, possibly, if they would starve to death. But there’s no evidence they’d do that. You’re talking about an animal that has evolved over hundreds of millions of years in the ocean, and has become reliant on ocean prey. Can a shark adapt to feeding on humans because they see them as a readily available food source? No, I don’t believe so. I don’t think they’re hard-wired to do that.”

A-ha. A-haha. Yeah no, they’re just hanging out on East Coast beaches because of the seals, predictable weather and crystal clear blue water. Bullshit. They’re there because us fat Americans are meaty, juicy delicacies. Have you not eaten an Italian from Jersey before? Delicious!

 

June 26

MAN BITTEN BY SHARK WHILE TRYING TO PROTECT CHILDREN FROM SAME CRAZED SHARK:

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Video. Beachgoers say they’re “terrified.” So am I, beachgoers. So am I.

 

June 28

From NBC News:

A 17-year-old boy is in critical condition after he was apparently attacked by a shark in the ocean off North Carolina’s Outer Banks Saturday, just 14 miles from the site of another suspected shark attack a day earlier, officials said.

The teen was swimming at a beach on the Cape Hatteras National Seashore near Waves at about 4 p.m. when he was apparently bitten by a shark and injured on his calf, buttocks and both hands, according to a statement from the National Park Service.

The boy’s condition has improved. But sources say he’ll remain butthurt for a long, long time. Continue reading

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Jahlil Okafor’s First Pitch was as Awkward as You’d Expect

Continue reading

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CSN Flyers Insider Tim Panaccio yet Again Falls Victim to Fake Twitter Account

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It just wouldn’t be silly season without Timmay being a dope. That Tweet – from Andy Strickland – is fake. It was retweeted by over 100 people, including Panaccio (who impressively figured out how to delete his RT).

Of course, Tim has done this sort of thing before:

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Happy anniversary, Tim.

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An AHL Reporter Is Fueling a Fire He Created about a “HUGE” Deal Between the Flyers and the Blues

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Here, join me in pairing this post with a grain of salt. Nightingale has 1,200 Twitter followers and is currently podcasting on a live show with… carry the 2… six listeners (one of them is me) and has somehow managed to light Flyers Twitter ablaze.

But this is all part of my new pledge to post completely unsubstantiated rumors because the last time I didn’t do so I had the Dave Hakstol scoop sitting in my inbox. Seriously, I’ll read anything on the prompter right now. Let’s get nutty today.

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Hank Baskett Goes With Transgender Weed Dealer Defense

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Back in 2014, former Eagle (and then reality-star) Hank Baskett made headlines when his Playmate wife dumped him after a reported affair with a transgender model. Hank has finally broken his silence on the matter, and the story he tells sounds like one he made up on the spot but decided to stick with after a year. Seriously, if this story is true, it’s among the most insane things to ever happen to anyone, anywhere. But he sounds like a teenager who just got caught with beer for the first time and he’s trying to explain it away.

Here’s Hank Baskett, telling People Magazine about the tale of the weed-dealing transgender fondler:

Last April, Baskett says he encountered a couple in a grocery store parking lot smoking marijuana. The former football player, 32, says he approached the couple to buy some pot; they gave him a phone number to call and, when he did, he was provided an address. Once he showed up at the home, Baskett says he used the restroom and when he emerged, “I saw something I thought I would never see in my life.”

Baskett says the person who answered the door, a transgender woman, was nude and making out with another transgender woman. “I froze,” says Baskett, visibly shaking as he recalls the memory. Then, the woman who answered the door approached Baskett and fondled him through his basketball shorts.

“I didn’t engage in anything,” he says. “It was like a bank robbery. You never know when you’ll freeze. I don’t know if it was a couple of seconds or 15 seconds, because all I was saying was get out, get out, get out.”

Seriously. This story has a “there was an icicle … and it fell … and it hit me” level of panic to it. You’re a millionaire. You live in LA. I’m sure you know how to get weed. What the hell, dude? Did he just watch a Risky Business/40-Year-Old Virgin double-feature before coming up with (or … experiencing) this? The world is a very, very strange place, but is it really secret-transgender-phone-weed service-that-comes-with-a-side-of-fondling weird?

via CSN, h/t @sircwn

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Desean Jaccson’s Reality Show Is Positively RIDICULOUS

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So I watched the abomination that is the obviously scripted and staged DeSean Jaccson: Home Team, which debuted on BET today last night. Here’s a brief recap:

Things started off with news footage from when DeSean was released by the Eagles. The setup is obvious: Once on top, not on top, working to be on top again, but will face obstacles that can only be overcome by the guiding hand of his fame-seeking mother, Gayle.

We haven’t seen this formula before.

The framing is clearly built atop a deep hurt resulting from DeSean’s release from the Eagles. These are just some of the things he had to say with regard to that matter:

“It was a smear campaign.”

“They call me Giant killer, Cowboy killer. Now I’m an Eagle killer, too”

“I felt they definitely tried to paint a picture that wasn’t true.”

“It’s like, bro, the Eagles, they tried to blow me up– that’s how cold they did me.”

So one would assume that the following 20 minutes would consist of video evidence that DeSean is not the character he’s perceived to be, and that he’s doing all the right things to reverse the existing perception. That seems like an obvious conclusion given the early appearance of his longtime publicist, Denise, whom DeSean says is doing a “great job.”* But nope. Denise’s client is now the star of a show which features consecutive segments about his rap aspirations, partying habits, and the conundrum he faces after knocking up his girlfriend of “five or six months.” There’s no mention in the first episode of the OTAs he skipped for the second year in a row.

*This despite the fact that her client has been publicly cast as a gangster who’s not a team player and cares more about his rap career and fame than football, something that is not at all being helped by his new reality show. Yeah, she’s doing yeoman’s work.

I mean, what, on Earth, was DeSean’s camp thinking here? The questionable character traits apparent in just the span of a few minutes are staggering. They have nothing to do with him being a gangster and everything to do with him being a selfish jerk. Evidence: Continue reading

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Flyers Sign Backup Goalie Michal Neuvirth

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Boomshakalaka. And we’re off with free agency.

Neubirthththththth (not even gonna make an attempt) comes as a cheap backup who has spent time with the Capitals, Sabres and Islanders. He has a .912 career save percentage. He was reportedly seeking a starting deal, but obviously the market wasn’t there for him, so the Flyers now have an upgrade behind Steve Mason. Good signing.

Other news: Phil Kessel to the Penguins. Gulp.

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Zombie Interim Manager Pete Mackanin Basically Says Phils Are Better off Without Chase

We'll never forget your manly arms, Chase

We’ll never forget your manly arms, Chase

Over at the Philly Voice, Matt Mullin wrote a piece about the emergence of Cesar Hernandez at second-base in the absence of injured Chase Utley, and whether Utley should get his job back when he returns. I find it hard to believe (even thought Chase has a piece of all of our hearts) that there’s anyone out there who thinks this is Chase’s job and Hernandez is just holding it for him. Especially since every plate appearance brings Utley closer to a $15 million payday next year. But the most important part of Mullin’s piece is this quote from the mouth area of the fleshy vessel containing the thoughts and emotions of interim manager Peter Mackanin:

“[Hernandez’s recent play] just goes to show you, when you’re looking at players, and you see part-time players that are not doing as well as you’d like them to do, well, you can see now the benefit of playing on a daily basis, how a player can be a whole different player. Cesar has been fantastic, and this is the kind of thing we’re all excited about, because we knew he had it in him.”

“It’s been a long process. He’s been a young guy coming up and we kind of wrestled with the fact of even having him on the bench as a part-time player because we knew he could develop if he played. But unfortunately we couldn’t do that. Now that we can do it, we’re pretty excited. I, for one, am thrilled about it. I think he’s making a good statement for himself in the future.”

“I would like to think that Cesar has proven that he deserves a chance to be the everyday second baseman. That remains to be seen … I don’t know. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Let’s just wait to see when Chase is healthy and how he feels. We’ll go from there.”

Other than that quick walk-back at the end, this is remarkable. Having someone in charge (for now) admit that the Phillies might be better off without Chase Utley in the lineup? Unheard of.

New guy Andy MacPhail may only be “listening” and by-gollying his way around the clubhouse, but this may become the first page-turn of the unfortunately named MacPhail era.*

*The MacPhailure Years is probably the leading candidate if this all goes south, right?

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