Beauty pageants are weird. Women who are in a contest to be the best-looking are asked to solve world hunger in 30 seconds right after they model a bikini. It’s just odd. Sexy, but odd. And last night’s Miss Universe pageant was no less odd, because it was judged by DeSean Jaccson.
Joining an illustrious expert judging panel which included Giancarlo Stanton, Kristin Cavallari and Rob Dyrdek, DeSean was tasked with helping find the one woman who could officially represent us as the spokesperson for the Universe should we ever encounter beings from another dimension (Neutrinos?!?). They chose Miss Colombia. Manny Pacquiao asked Miss USA about terrorism. All weird, but still better than the Pro Bowl.
[Editor’s note: Alternate version of this post: Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyy got dat fine CO Luuum Beyon ass on lock str8 representn dis one verse !!]
Photo Credit: Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports
Michael Vick, the now-boatless sometimes starting quarterback of the New York Jets, knows he is not long for the green and white. He’s only attempted more than twenty passes in two games this year, and only over fifteen in another three. On the season, he’s 64-for-121 for 604 yards and three touchdowns. But next year, the then 35-year-old Vick will be a free agent, and boy would he love to play for the Redskins.
Vick told reporters that playing for the Redskins would be “a dream come true,” and “that’s home for me. Don’t get me excited. Don’t get me excited.” Don’t get you excited? I think you’re the only one getting you excited. Vick also said he’d like to reunite with his “little brother” DeSean Jackson:
“I know his speed, I know his acceleration path, I know when he’s coming out of his breaks. There’s nobody that knows DeSean Jackson better than me. I think he knows that, and we were just trying to position ourselves to be together again, but it didn’t work out.”
You know what Mike? Maybe you guys can both play together next year, but I really doubt it’ll be in Washington.
Photo credit: Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports
The Redskins suck. They suck so bad that they lost 27-7 to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who [spits on finger, puts it in the air to gauge wind speed and direction] yep, they suck, too. Some fantasy talking head on YouTube convinced me to draft RGIII and Pierre Garcon as a high-reward combo on Draft Kings yesterday. Thanks, jackass. I should’ve known better, because the Redskins suck. On Redskins Postgame Live, former Eagle and Redskin Brian Mitchell explained how much they suck, via ThaCover2.com:
“Embarrassing. This is atrocious. It’s despicable. It’s pathetic. I think it’s asinine.”
“I see a lot of players blaming media and everybody else and running around as if they won the damn Super Bowl somewhere.”
“This team has SUCKED over the last few years. And as a former player I’m embarrassed to watch this junk over and over again.”
“Play some damn football, you sucked on the field today. And you know who you are.”
And all that sucking has DeSean Jaccson beginning the process of his eventual release from the Redskins. This morning he instantly grammed:
Glad to see that’s going well.
The Cowboys lost last night, dropping them to 6-2 and into a loss-column tie with the Eagles. Their run atop the division lasted, precisely, 28 hours.
The Birds owe a big thanks to DeSean Jaccson, who caught six passes for 136 yards and reminded everyone that a GREAT TEAM WIN is always best encapsulated with a highlight video of yourself. Continue reading
Email from reader Mark, one of St. Joe’s finest:
great coverage of the game yesterday. Just figured I’d share this gem from my tailgate yesterday. We were planning on burning our desean jerseys as many did, when the mounted police left us a nice treat… a big ole horse shit! We flipped the dung on top of the desean jerseys and people were driving over the jerseys it was great! one guy in a huge truck ran it over then backed up to run it over again, then spun out on the jerseys, it was awesome until we realized horse shit was flying everywhere! Fuck Desean.
“The Hawk Will Never Die!”
Email from reader Brian, who presumably didn’t know that this was all reader Mark’s doing:
Kyle- a police horse took a dump on a pile of Jaccpot jerseys yesterday. A step up (or down?) from burning them. Enjoy.
And they say it’s always sunny here.
This is so perfect. Yessir.
In my mind, Brown and DeSean are secretly plotting to destroy object-of-Rihanna’s-desire Mychal Kendricks on Sunday– a sinister plan in which the entertainment and sports worlds collide in the most historic of fashions. Oh, wait, what’s that, Kendricks probably isn’t playing on Sunday? He won’t be able to whisper “tell Chris his girl tastes like sweet apple” into DeSean’s ear? Well damn.
Two C’s? Two C’s.
And yes, DeSean did just refer to his coach’s son in gang spelling.