Tag: marcus hayes (page 1 of 3)

Dumb Dumb Marcus Hayes Compares Rory McIlroy to Plaxico Burress

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Just so we’re clear here– Rory McIlroy hurt himself kicking around a soccer ball – playing soccer, if you’d prefer – while Burress shot himself in the leg carrying a handgun in a nightclub. Jason Pierre-Paul nearly blew his hand off with fireworks. One of these things isn’t like the other.

Hayes expounded on his silly opinion in a conversation with former Philly.com-er and current Philly Voice-er Matt Mullin:

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Word. But if anyone’s unhappy, it’s McIlroy. If it’s someone else, it’s EA Sports:

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The game comes out next week (but get The Golf Club instead, it’ll most likely remain the superior game).


Marcus Hayes Wrote a Whole Column about Something Brett Brown Didn’t Say


“Or else.”

It’s an implied thing that only Marcus Hayes heard – that Brett Brown was giving Sixers management an ultimatum – multiple times throughout Brown’s conversation with the media on Thursday night. As Hayes put it, “The two words Brett Brown never spoke resounded loudest in his final interviews of the season.” Nope:

“I hope that if we can have something that is stable and consistent that we are going to be able to talk a little bit easier at this time next year.”

. . . or else.


Nope. Never mind that after Brown made those comments, he said that consistency can’t trump the fact that they’re looking for talent. But what about the misguided idea that Sam Hinkie only drafts players who can’t play immediately in order to prolong the tank:

“If it happens again – I won’t lie, you’re going to bite your lip,” Brown said, chuckled a bit, and continued the joke: “I do admit, in my own contract negotiations, nobody explained to me fully that, for a few years, you might not have your draft picks.”

Translation: Hinkie better not select another long-range Euro star or a high-ceiling player with a year of rehab ahead of him.

. . . or else.

Nope. Brown, throughout the season, has expressed frustration, hope, pride, and any number of other emotions. He’s never come off as fed up, or indignant, or over it. That “or else” is coming straight from the cranky mind of Hayes, who, like Howard Eskin, thinks he’s speaking for the common fan. Is he? Continue reading


I’m Going to Defend Marcus Hayes, Even If He Is a Big, Fat Hypocrite

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Marcus Hayes, the sportswriter equivalent of a poop Emoji, yesterday wrote about how to fix the Flyers, at the request of his editors. His suggestion: trade Claude Giroux and Jakub Voracek:

It just seems foolish to waste two players’ prime years on a team destined for mediocrity. They will be relentlessly ground down the next two seasons, assuming Voracek stays, while the Flyers are hopelessly outclassed by at least five or six other clubs in the Eastern Conference and by at least as many in the West.

Two bad deals brought the Flyers costly, faded stars at forward. Bad luck cost them veteran defensemen.

That is the past.

Trading Giroux and Voracek frames the future.

For context: Hayes went on Anthony SanFilippo’s The Scoop Philly last night to talk about his point (1:08:00 mark). He made it clear that the how to fix the Flyers thing was an assignment from his editors and that he wasn’t taking shots at Voracek or Giroux (whom he called his favorite player to watch), but rather was simply suggesting one way to fix the team. “[Trade them for] younger players or draft picks or whatever,” Hayes told SanFilippo.

Fair enough. And it’s not a bad idea.  Continue reading


Marcus Hayes Wrote Some Drivel Today

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1, 1, 2, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 1, 1, 4, 2, 1, 1, 5, 3, 2, 1, 1, 1, 2, 1, 1, 4, 1, 1, 1, 2, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 1, 2, 1, 3, 2, 1, 1.

Do you know what that sequence of numbers represents?

No, it’s not the transcript of an interview with The Count.

Nor is it the final thought of a dying Speak & Spell.


Those are the sentence-per-paragraph counts from Marcus Hayes’ latest Daily News column.

Hayes, a leading columnist(?) for a big boy publication, wrote a ~1,000-word article that contained only three – 3! – paragraphs longer than three sentences in length. Unofficially, there were 29 one-sentence paragraphs.

That’s bad.

Laughable even.

I doubt it makes many teams sweat.

Any team, for that matter.

How can one sweat from reading such rudimentary prose?

Anyway, as you might have guessed, Hayes’ piece is another hit on Sam Hinkie, who has a philosophy, not a plan, according to Hayes.

It’s mostly drivel, so I won’t waste my time grammatically crinkling it up and tossing it into the digital wastebasket of the interwebs. But, let’s dumpster-dive for a few rare gems of opinionated blabble.

Dismissing Hinkie and his newfangled analytics:

But it is anything but a multifaceted “Plan” with mind-addling complexities suited only for analytics conventioneers.

The Philosophy is simple.

Hinkie and his front-office brain trust, of which Brown clearly is not a member, compile draft picks to acquire as many young, talented and cheap Assets as possible. They nurture them in their analytics-fueled playing style.


Contradictions on Embiid:

Embiid is a 7-footer with freakish athleticism. He is a once-a-decade talent. Embiid also spent his formative years playing volleyball. His practical experience includes two full seasons of high school basketball and 4 months as a part-time player at Kansas. He will need half-a-decade to realize his potential.

Embiid has shown competence at nothing except gaining weight and cleverly tweeting.


And on Noel (try not to get whiplash here):

The Sixers simply delayed their Point Guard Development Program to match the painfully slow metamorphosis of Nerlens Noel and Embiid.

Noel is an off-the-charts ballhound . . . who has shown almost no competence in a halfcourt offense, but that was expected.



MCW is a good player; surely, he cannot wait to display that tonight, when the Sixers visit him in Milwaukee. He has boundless potential. Anyone with his talent can improve; incredibly, his talent is being maliciously devalued. Carter-Williams is worth as much as any player the pick is likely to bring.

[Jim, mocking Hayes:  Embiid sucks. Noel sucks. MCW IS SO TALENTED.]


And yet, he continually pointed out that it was a good trade:

It makes no sense for MCW, 1 year from NBA competence, to wait 5 years for the franchise player to develop. Most NBA careers don’t even last half a decade. After losing, say, 240 games in his first four seasons, Carter-Williams surely would be willing to do anything to escape Lottery Pick Purgatory.

Having him waste good years in Philadelphia would have been foolish. A reigning rookie of the year with excellent size, fine offensive instincts and the ability to finish at the rim, MCW never will have greater trade value than the protected pick the Sixers got from the Lakers.

Considering the Philosophy, this was a splendid trade.

Lost in this iambic pentameter of shit is some legitimate skepticism born from first-hand observation (it’s almost like Hayes is a real columnist!).

Hayes wonders whether Brown will become discouraged by watching the fruits of his labor be enjoyed elsewhere.

A real concern.

He thinks the Sixers, and the champions of their “philosophy,” were wrong to tout MCW’s physical gifts and then sit idly by as a whisper campaign smeared the young point guard’s skill set.

A fair point.

And he wonders if continually kicking the can down the road is a dangerous, high-risk strategy that could horrifically backfire.

Me too.

But all these points fall on blind eyes because his anti-analytics, anti-Hinkie, anti-progress bias is so grotesquely one-sided that it’s nearly impossible to separate the legitimate concerns from the lazy, space-filling poop that emits from his fat fingers. Plop, plop…

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… fizz.

Horrific Daily News signage photos courtesy of (@phillygirl1985)


Marcus Hayes May Be the Dumbest Sports Columnist in the History of Philadelphia


I say that without hyperbole. This is possibly the worst, most rambling, inane, completely illogical sports column I’ve ever read. Honest to God, Marcus Hayes should at the very least be suspended, and perhaps even fired, for writing it.

Hayes, who is not on board with the Sixers’ plan, has once again come out in full opposition of said plan… because… the Sixers… didn’t sign… a veteran… point guard.


Here’s why “The Plan” is “fraudulent,” according to Hayes:

The Plan, in essence, is the blueprint concocted by young analytics whiz Sam Hinkie, the Sixers’ second-year general manager who has staffed his front office with numbers men of his ilk. He figured to stockpile draft picks; acquire cheap, young talent with specific characteristics; and let the team develop organically.

The Plan has merit, and it has logic.

What it lacks is leadership.

Specifically, it lacks a veteran point guard. It is a criminal omission.

That was amplified the last three games, when two Developmental League players ran the team: Frazier, in his third NBA game and his second start; and JaKarr Sampson, a 6-8 small forward.

Last night, Frazier finished with seven assists . . . and seven turnovers, the most among an avalanche of 27 turnovers that cost the Sixers a chance at a huge upset against the Warriors. Sampson had three turnovers. That means a combined 10 giveaways at the point guard spot, manned by two D-Leaguers, against the league’s best team.

If I’m following that logic correctly, Hayes just argued that Hinkie’s plan – to tank for draft picks and develop young talent – which almost by definition requires the team to lose, something the improving Sixers have actually had trouble doing lately, is flawed because the team lacks a veteran point guard to spell young star and reigning NBA Rookie of the Year Michael Carter-Williams, even though the presence of said veteran point guard would be in almost direct conflict with the unstated goal of losing to acquire more young talent. Amazing. Continue reading


Marcus Hayes Offers PIPING HOT TAKE and Feigns Outrage over Antics at Media Day, Gets an Entire Column out of It

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Does my head make me look fat?

The Daily News sent fun-hating, race-baiting gasbag Marcus Hayes to Phoenix to cover Media Day and, presumably, the Super Bowl. And Hayes, who not surprisingly had nothing better to write about today, wrote an entire column about how awful the antics at media day are… thus justifying the existence of said antics.

Let’s delve into Mr. Hayes’ nonsense:

Marshawn Lynch literally grabbed his crotch to express contempt for the assembled throng of 200 media members as he made his way to his podium at the start of Media Day.

For the next 5 minutes or so, Lynch figuratively grabbed his crotch to express contempt for the NFL and its commissioner, Roger Goodell.

I get it– Lynch’s press conference was like the verbal equivalent of his actions. That’s deep, yo.

Lynch, who timed himself on his smartphone, saw the 5-minute mark pass, arose and said, “Time.”

He left the Skittles bag on the stage and bolted.

With more than 57 minutes left in Media Day, Beast Mode entered Airplane Mode and ended all transmissions.

Was that… an iPhone joke?*

*Topical today, by the way, as Apple announced yesterday that they sold 77 million iPhones last quarter and had the most profitable quarter – over $18 BILLION with a B in profit – IN THE HISTORY OF BUSINESS! Today is a good day to own Apple stock. PARTY OVER HERE, BABBBBBBY!!! WOOT, WOOT!! I should’ve held up a crumpled sticky note in my hand and yelled at my computer screen in euphoric fashion as the markets opened, just to get the full visceral and aural experience of riding a HOT ONE to a (as I write this) more than seven-point gain! But please, tell me more about how much better your giant Samsung Galaxy is.

Back to Marcus:

Media Day at the Super Bowl, an hourlong availability of essentially everyone of merit in both organizations held every Tuesday of Super Bowl week, seldom elicits any real information about players or their teams; but then, most interviews with NFL types elicit little information. Top players and the head coach are available 3 or 4 days during Super Bowl week, but the intent of Media Day is to afford access to all players, coaches and executives to all members of the press on one day, in one place.

The NFL has credentialed entertainment reporters and fostered a circus atmosphere, a circus the NFL now charges fans $28.50 to witness.


Meme: Reporter sent across the country to cover admittedly meaningless day of press conferences complains that meaningless day of press conferences is meaningless. How do I make that into an image? Perhaps a GIF?

The availability has devolved to include guys who wear barrels over their bare torsos; Olympic skaters Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski asking fashion questions for NBC; and beautiful women in short skirts who salsa dance with Kam Chancellor.

OK, we can keep that last one.

No surprise. We’ve known for a while now that Hayes is an ass man. But I thought for a second that he was going to make a borderline homophobic remark about (the outstanding) Johnny Weir and his bae Tara Lipinski. Phew.

Spritely divas Lipinski and Weir, former Olympic skaters working the fashion angle for NBC, showed up in fabulous outfits. He had on a scarlet jacket over a silk shirt with a gemstone necklace, crammed his feet into 4-inch wedge booties and wore more makeup than she did.

There it is. Continue reading


Marcus Hayes Lists His Mostly Moronic Reasons Why You Should Doubt Nick Foles

I'm dumb

I’m dumb

Reading a Marcus Hayes article is like riding a poorly-constructed scrambler at a cheap carnival– the whole thing is punctuated by short, jarring bursts that fling you in opposite directions. Here’s Hayes, who once apparently favorited a whole bunch of porn Tweets (he’s an ass-man), on why we should doubt Foles:

For one thing, he has never entered an NFL season as a starter.

That means he has never had the entire league spend the entire offseason preparing to target his weaknesses. He has never had a legion of defensive players poring over his habits and tendencies. He will have to adjust.

Somewhat meaningless. But fair.

Also, the team has changed.

Go on…

Discounting his performance with an injury-addled offense in 2012, Foles has never played a game without incendiary receiver DeSean Jackson softening defenses. He also has never played a game without veteran leader and tough slot receiver Jason Avant, whom the Eagles replaced with rookie Jordan Matthews – whom they really know nothing about.

This may be the first time I’ve ever seen anyone write about Jason Avant with a sort of reverence. This despite the early reports on Matthews being extremely bullish.

More important, perhaps, Foles has never played a game without likely Hall of Fame left tackle Jason Peters protecting his blind side.

Another first: Hayes somehow uses the presence of a great offensive lineman as a negative against the quarterback who plays behind him. This despite Hayes’ earlier insistence that teammates should be considered when judging Foles. Odd. [UPDATE: I missed this at first, but Foles took 453 snaps in 2012, all of which were without Jason Peters, who sat out the year after multiple Achilles injuries, protecting his blind side.]

Least important, he has never played a game without first-round right tackle Lane Johnson, who will miss the first four games serving a PED suspension.

The success of QBs everywhere rests on the shoulders on Lane Johnson’s first four weeks.

OK, the ride’s about to pick up here. Hang on: Continue reading


Marcus Hayes Would Like to Remind You That Claude Giroux Hadn’t Scored at MSG Since Before the Libyan Revolution

Does my fat head make me look fat?

Does my fat head make me look fat?

I am in no way defending Claude Giroux, because his play this series has left a lot to be desired. I credit the Rangers for much of that – their defense is superb – but still, great players find a way, and Giroux hasn’t found a way. There’s a fine line between passionate play and reckless play. Giroux is at his best when he’s playing impassioned… he’s at his worst when he’s reckless. His free-swinging one-timers are born from confidence when he’s going good… they look ill-advised when he’s struggling. 

But whatever your thoughts on G and his play against the Rangers, I think we can all agree that this is just about the worst hockey column imaginable. Mr. Marcus Hayes:

Claude Giroux got off his first shot on goal at Madison Square Garden in four games.

He scored his first goal at MSG in more than 3 years, and his first goal of the playoffs.

Clearly, the Flyers’ captain must have played very well.

Certainly, he led his team to a playoff win.



The Flyers lost Game 5, 4-2.

Somehow, despite logging a game-high six shots and finally scoring a goal that Osama bin Laden, Muammar Gaddafi and Kim Jong-il weren’t alive to see, Giroux seemed to be even less a factor than in the first two games at MSG.


If you got whiplash from craning your neck at that terrorist-evil dictator line, you’re not alone. I think Marcus was referring to the fact that G hasn’t scored in New York in three years. But… yikes. And where’s the love for Paul Walker and Whitney Houston? They would’ve liked to have seen G light the lamp!

Plus the hackiness is strong with this one. Hayes uses his one-sentence paragraph shtick (which I sometimes like to refer to as laziness) to hammer on Giroux’s struggles in the most melodramatic way possible. Look at this:

Later in the first, Brian Boyle thumped him into the side boards and Derick Brassard tried to trip him. After that, Giroux seemed to disappear.

He lost his speed. He became anonymous.

He declined to shoot twice, once in front, once from the left.

He nearly whiffed on a shot midway through the second period, the Flyers up a skater during a delayed penalty call.

He nearly whiffed trying to check Girardi on the resulting power play.

By then, the extra attention from the Rangers had essentially evaporated.

By then, with a little maneuvering, he was allowed time and space.

“You need to be able to adjust and create your own room out there,” he said.

Even so . . .

In the end, he scored.

This reads like a poorly written fable. I’m just surprised that Hayes didn’t give the face-off circle a voice in this prose. The Ginger beast beset my paint, for it was he who was relegated to the off-angle one-timer.

You talk about trying to create a narrative. I suppose “the Rangers play really stingy defense and Giroux, who is not as big and fast as other stars, struggles to create his own shot” isn’t as interesting.

In other news, Sam Carchidi would like to remind you that Game 6 is a must-win:

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