Source: The Shoe Game
Let me give you a little bit of background on myself: I'm a 27-year-old white male with a prep school upbringing and an unhealthy penchant for freezing perfectly fresh Haribo gummy bears. That gives me exactly zero credibility to comment on the latest kick designed by a Chinese apparel company for a black Muppet-voiced basketball player from Chicago. Zero I tell you.
In fact, I was 22 before I discovered there was acceptable footwear besides Doc Martens and Reef flip-flops. But I'm going to break down Evan Turner's new Brassmonkey shoe anyway.
Is that heel even legal? Do 6'7 NBA players really need lifts? Is there a jet pack in there? You Li-Ninging son of a bitch! I swear I saw Bill Campbell wear that in 1991's Saturn Award nominee, The Rocketeer.
Why is there a leather-buttoned flap covering the top four laces? I know. It's to prevent skate bite. Puck to the shins. Slashing. I don't know why.
And I suppose the fact that the shoe is based on a Beastie Boys song will really appeal to the global market, huh? Good thing that song isn't about a stiff cocktail. Oh. Parents will love that.
At least "monkey" couldn't be considered racially offensive to some people in this context.
They really gave this thing the wrong name.
And they say owners don't begin to look like their shoe after a little while:
Black button flaps? Check. Criss-crossed, two-tone pattern with pearly white smile? Check. Incredibly elongated overly effulgent silver facade with a failure to live up to initial expectations? Check, check, and triple fucking check.