We are just hours away from the start of the 2011 Phillies season, a year in which the team will have the Four Aces taking the mound for the next seven months. That's a long time. Baseball serves as the background (or soundtrack) to our lives. Whether it's week nights with the screen door open or summer evenings at the shore, you can count on the Phillies game being on your (and my) television. That has happened for years.
There are many variables. The players change, the channels change, the opponents change. But one thing – one person – remains a constant: Chris Wheeler.
Oh yes, we're about to step shit up. We have elevated our Muffin coverage. Ladies and gentlemen, the Chris Wheeler drinking game. We're standardizing a set of rules for all to abide by.
From time to time during the season, we will live blog games for the sole purpose of keeping score. But you can play anytime. Print out these rules. Post them in your dorm room, on your fridge, or, hell, if you have a drinking problem, at your desk. Put them in your pocket, save them to your phone, bring them to the beach. Whatever you please.
Just stay thirsty, my friends.
This game is meant to be played with beer or mixed drinks. If you want to play with shots, vixen, that's on you. Every time Chris Wheeler mentions one of these phrases, you must drink the amount listed.
Where "context" is noted, Wheels may not say the exact phrase, but you'll know when to drink. There are two wildcards from T-Mac and Sarge for you to look-out for. You are expected to take a break during the middle innings when Wheels goes to radio. But if you're hardcore, change over and keep playing. No italics denotes a situation.
Here we go.
middle-in– drink one (1)
away away away– drink three (3)
ambush– one, quick swig
lift and separate– pour it in from elevated plane
that's really neat– drink three (3)
WILDCARD T-Mac: he's a guy the Phillies saw a lot of– finish it
we saw a lot of him– drink a lot
oh boy or oh brother– drink two (2)
buzzard's luck– drink three (3)
herky jerky motion– drink four (4)
this is fun– drink one (1)
the book on him– drink six (6)
he's smilin', he's laughin' (context- in reference to a player, coach, or umpire laughing about something that happened on the field)– drink four (4)
first-ball fastball– drink one (1)
oh I don't know!– ???
good lookin' young hitter (context)– chug
no-doubles defense– drink two (2) only if they get a hit
goofy– drink one (1) from the side
WILDCARD Sarge: anytime he addresses a player with their last name (usually in post game interviews)- finish it
Crooked number– drink three (3)
saw a player or coach at the hotel (context)- throw the bottle at the wall
WILDCARD Harry mention: anytime one of the announcers mentions Harry– raise your drink high in toast, followed by one, long swig, cap it off with an "ahh"
I was in Charlie Manuel's office (context)– drink eight (8)
would you look at that– drink one (1)
Jason Heyward– drink four (4)
loosey goosey– drink three (3) or nine (9), your choice, you loosey goosey bastard
wind– drink three (3)
ah jeez– drink one (1)
they like him a lot– drink five (5)
Big ups to all of the folks in the comments and on Twitter, chriswheelerglossary.com, and (@novatom83). None of this would have been possible without those contributions.
Sounds like I better go get myself a few cases of Lager. The next 7 months are gonna be a blur.
“WILDCARD Sarge: anytime he addresses a player with their last name- finish it”
Christ. You might have it easy through innings 1-3, but after the 6th inning with this rule, you’ll be hammered!
How about “He’s a baseball guy?”
How about anytime he tries to predict the upcoming pitch, then they show the catcher giving the sign and he says oh yeah its a whatever pitch – finish it
For a real look at Chris Wheeler and what he thinks about this season, why not stop by the FightinPhillies.com blog and read this post he did with us just 2 days ago. The man knows what he is talking about, you’re not around baseball for 40 years for no reason my friend.
He’s a douchbag who never stood in against a major league pitcher. Yet, he’ll preach to us what the batter is thinking? F him.
You forgot “anytime Wheels overpronunciates a hispanic players name take 2 shots of Cuervo.”
sarge- that’s meant for when he speaks directly to a player, not actually mentions their last name.
This is awesome! I will be trashed by the second inning every game this season
Anytime Wheeler says “He hit a B.B”
Dink and dunk!
I got a whole case of lager and I am not sure I will have any left for tonights Flyers game… Man I am in trouble… at 1:05 may we all raise a glass to another season! Great work by the way Kyle… awesome game and I am taking this with me everywhere
I prefer Chris Wheeler Bingo.
unless you’re into radio the games on ESPN so the drinking game will have to wait a day.
Game is also on PHL 17 locally.
just reading these lines of his is making me upset. i wish sarge did the whole game and they gave tmac a training bra.
how about “he just hit that one on a rope” ?
Great. I’m already hammered. It’s only been 40 minutes.
Wheels just said “squirted it up the middle”…somehow I think that should be on this list.
Comming back after a TV break…”boy what a weird game this has been”.
How about When he explains, “That ball is usually a homerun, but not with this (__insert weather condition here__).”
Jush shtarted (hic) watchin’ duh game to play dis (brap), HEY! THAT’SH F-IN BRETT MYERSHHH!! (slup). Thanksss for dis game, bro! (zzzzzzzzz)
haha no problem
I hate how he explains every stinking little thing as if we were all blind…..or when he is yapping about some story and a big play happens….but he is busy yapping. Guess I don’t drink in this game……I find myself putting the tv on mute…..I seriously cannot take McCarthy and Wheels for more than an inning or two. It’s like the Wheels and McCarthy Show as opposed to the Phillies’ game. Miss you like crazy Harry and Whitey……
My daddy tried to play this game tonight. He died of liver poisoning during the 4th inning.
You gotta add “little ball” he says it all the time and it drives me nuts. I just waiting for someone to tell this wierdo its called small ball not little ball.
No “dropped the bat head on it”?
This should be the next party. Rent a hall and we can all get together and play. Unfortunately, you’d have to rent an entire hotel, because I don’t think you could legally allow anyone to leave after the 2nd inning.
no dead fish change up ???
lots of good suggestions- basically, we’re trying to keep it at a manageable number so people can remember the rules and play at will. but, with that being said, we will be releasing a v 2.0 at some point, as wheels has does dink and dunk sometimes
Chris Wheeler reminds me of Butters from South Park.
My game is easier. Drink to excess whenever Wheels says anything or even if he appears on screen while T-Mac’s doing the talking. How else could you get through a game with his color?
also anytime T-Mac says ” pepper, peppering, playing pepper ” drink up…. the most annoying phrase he exudes!!!! the end.
“He’s got a hitch in his giddy-up.”
BUGS BUNNY CHANGE UP
What about “Funky” and “cutter”.
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