The Flyers’ Season: An Analogy

Last night, on Twitter, I posed this question to followers: This Flyers season was equivalent to __________? I received many responses. Most of them were frighteningly realistic. The plummet from pleasure to pain was palpable. Here's a summary of the Flyers' season, put into, shall we say, human terms. Godspeed.

Imagine you’re a senior in high school again: It’s late spring. Things are going surprisingly well for you. You just got into your “reach” school. You have no idea how or why, but you did it. Your grades weren’t that good- B- student at best. Your extracurriculars were non-existent. Yet, somehow, you blew your SATs out of the water and come from just enough money to entice the development office, which needs to hit an aggressive endowment goal, to lean on admissions hard enough so that they will accept you. 

Things are good. So good, in fact, that you even met a girl. It was dumb luck, really. You were coming home from picking up swag at your soon-to-be school’s – it’s local – bookstore when you ran into Briana, the delightfully sexy, yet somewhat mysterious head cheerleader at your high school. You and Briana have been neighbors since, like, forever, but despite numerous attempts to snap her bra in the sixth grade and that one time you caught a glimpse of her in her window – it was an honest accident, I mean who doesn’t position their desk chair against the side window while dim light provided by a single candle sets the mood as Dashboard Confessional massages away your anxieties? – you were never able to seal the deal. 

You were always plenty cool enough. You sit at the cool kids table, hang with the jocks, but, for some reason, could never quite land the hot girl. This is was your chance, and you made the most of it.

You somehow mustered the courage to ask Briana out. She said yes, and you were able to impress her with a charming but not cheesy day-trip to the beach, the place where she planned to spend the upcoming summer before starting at – ZOMG – the same college. 

At the end your little date, you pulled the old let’s watch the moon on the blanket routine. Incredibly, it worked. All you wanted was one kiss, but next thing you know, it’s happening: mind-blowing sex. She explained to you that she never does that, and that it was only because she felt so safe in your arms. You had your doubts, but convinced yourself that your recent trips to the gym must have paid off. Safe arms. Plus, it was a rather bright waxing-crescent.

The euphoria of that night quickly waned, however. Just a few days later, as your high school career neared its end, you found out Briana had a boyfriend. It had been a poorly kept secret for most of senior year that she was dating one of the jocks, but you chose not to believe it. Unfortunately, you weren’t just told about their relationship, you saw it. For yourself. 

When you opened the mens room door just outside of your science classroom, the last thing you expected to see was Briana and the jock, yet there they were. You slammed the door shut before you could really take a mental picture, but it looked like something was hanging out of the jock’s mouth. Weird.

Anyway, things are still good. Briana is at the shore now- out of site, out of mind.

Your summer goes well, even though, despite your better judgment, a part of you thinks that you can win-over Briana once you are both on the same campus. Apparently, her and Jocko broke up just weeks into the summer.

Fast forward to the fall. College is great, you’ve made a number of new friends, including a foreign kid who makes for an amazing beer pong partner. He speaks little English, but his ability to knock down both cups in the split-diamond formation – sans re-rack – was enough reason to make him your wingman. In fact, it was because of your new friend that you find yourself at this ridiculous off-campus frat party. And guess who’s there? Briana. Your judgement left you around your third game of beer pong, and you now find yourself going for gold… which you get. Twice. And once in the morning.

Briana takes you to breakfast in the dining hall. She used her meal plan. She’s a sweet girl.

She explains the whole situation with el Jocko. They had been dating off and on for a year, and “it was complicated.” You nod your head as the painful memory of his shit-eating grin creeps into your mind, but you don’t let her see you sweat. What’s done is done. You stay cool, and she assures you that nothing like that will ever happen again.

Winter approaches, things are going great. Your and Briana’s parents had a blast rehashing old neighborhood stories during parent’s weekend. You and B enjoy each other’s company, you study together, and meet for lunch in the quad each day. It has every element a good relationship should have.

Your drinking game is going well, too. You and your broken-English speaking wingman (well, he’s more like a sidekick now since you have Briana) continue to dominate in beer-pong. You realize that he’s not all that diverse, though. He can’t really communicate all that well and his jokes are lame. But that’s cool, his split-diamond technique is still the best on campus.

Things do get a little dicey between you and Briana over Christmas break. After two months of the honeymoon phase, reality starts to set in. You’re both back home. Jocko swings by Briana’s house. She tells you she dismissed him, but you could swear you saw him enter through the side door, which Briana always keeps unlocked. It’s most likely your imagination.

A few weeks later, when school starts again, things are back to normal. You and Briana study together and arrange your classes so you can continue to meet for lunch. Everything is perfect, if not a little mundane.

It’s that boredom that leads you to start thinking that something may be missing. Even though there were moments filled with more mind-blowing, WTF just happened sex – specifically around Valentine’s Day – you still doubt the relationship’s longterm viability. With that being said, you go ahead and plan a post-finals trip to Costa Rica. You wanted to do it during spring break, but you figure the summer will be more fun. It will be a way to celebrate the one year anniversary of your moonlight kiss. Awy.

Despite all of this vacation talk, things quickly spiral downhill. It turns out Briana has the same doubts as you. She starts blowing you off for lunch, gets “headaches” seemingly every night, and when she doesn’t, those cheapo health center contraceptives keep breaking. You can’t win.

March is a real struggle. Mid-terms get the best of Briana. Her stress is palpable. When you ask her about it, you get the same cookie-cutter answer: “I told you last semester, I’ll snap out of it once these tests are over.” But you think it goes deeper than that. The lunches started being skipped long before mid-terms and she never publicly @s you on Twitter, it’s always a direct message now… like she’s trying to hide you from someone.

It gets worse. Even though finals are over, the sex has completely stopped. You’re never sure which version of Briana you’re going to see: The energetic, charming, yet somewhat unpredictable one, or the pseudo-loving but I’m tired let’s go to bed one. The worst part is, you never know which mood is coming next. It’s like relationship roulette, so you decide to ask her about it…

It turns out she thought something was wrong with you, and it killed her confidence in the relationship. She doesn’t know how to act, she says. After a long talk and some feeling-sharing, things immediately reverse course. 

The weather is getting warmer, more time is spent outside, and you guys even take an off-campus trip to Rita’s. Orange ice. Mmm. You’re back.

Or so you thought.

Just as quickly as it came back, it started to go away again. Her mood swings are getting more drastic now. One minute she’s energetic, unpredictable girl, the next minute she’s loving but lame. Hell, there’s even wild moments where you could swear you see glimpses of the girl you remember from late last spring… the one who couldn’t keep her legs closed. Even with all the flip-flopping of moods, you quickly tell yourself that last thought isn’t fair, and put it out of your mind.

Finally, you make one last honest effort. Even after another day of mood swings and uncertainty, you guys have a great, innocent date. All of the things that made you fall in love with Briana resurface. You knew staying on campus for the short Easter break would pay off.

A few days later, the fun continues: Mind-blowing, rivals last spring type sex. It was so good, you go ahead and place your final deposit on the trip to Costa Rica. You’re going. Just a few finals stand between you and paradise.

Later that week, as you start your packing for both the end of freshman year and your trip, you decide you need another suitcase. Briana, who spent the previous night in her own room because of stomach problems, has a bunch of extras you know she won’t use. You decide to head over, even though her window is closed on this hot day. Most likely she’s still not feeling well and just wants some more rest. There’s a small part of you that fears something is up, but you ignore it. 

Or at least you try to.

Walking over, the fear gets worse. By the time you get to her door your heart is racing. Instead of knocking, the sleuth in you decides to go with the element of surprise. You punch in her key code, 7475, and fling the door open. Boom, there she is.. in bed.. with Jocko, who is now invading your turf.

You can’t believe this is happening. Yet there he is. Same feeling, different circumstance. This time you leave the door open long enough to take a mental picture. You finally see what was hanging from Jocko’s lips: a mouthpiece. Briana was fucking Kris Versteeg.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2010-2011 Flyers.

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50 Responses

  1. Surprisingly this made me feel a little better after last night because of how enjoyable it was to read. With that being said I’m going to go back to being pissed off.

  2. “Shit eating” does indeed adequately describe Kris Versteeg’s smile… my heart dropped when I read the ending of this thought, because I know that, if given the chance, my own Briana would get with Kris and I don’t even think I could be mad.

  3. “it looked like something was hanging out of the jock’s mouth. Weird.” kind of tripped me up and lead me to believe maybe Briana was once named Brian. But then it alll came together in the end and present a perfect heartbreak story which explains this season perfectly.

  4. Not sure I agree with all the Versteeg hate. Did he make some awful plays while he was here and not contribute much offensively? Yes.
    But, did Versteeg:
    -Cause the Flyers best defenseman to be out 1/2 the year?
    -Cause Sean O’Donnell to move at the pace of a snail?
    -Cause Matt Carle to forget how to play defense?
    -Cause the Hartnell-Briere-Leino line to go missing?
    Versteeg was here less than half the season, and the problems showed before he showed up. The dude’s been on three different teams within the span of a calendar year. Maybe with a full training camp with the Flyers under his belt, he’ll play better next year.

  5. I just had to comment on this. This was excellent dude, Extremely well done. Thanks for the laugh.

  6. The guy who writes this stuff is a professional writer, no? Does he not understand the difference between “your” and “you’re” at all? That’s like 5th grade stuff. Come on. Check your first paragraph.

  7. bahahahahahahahaa i was waiting for Jocko to be Milan Lucic and his goofy nose… ever notice he looks like the midget from Boondock Saints 2?

  8. absolutely hilarious…until the end. wasnt versteegs fault at all, he played way over his head in the playoffs. id say lavs playing musical goaltenders and the offense scoring 7 goals in a 4 game series had a bigger impact than a third line new addition winger. and besides, if briana was gonna fuck anyone, we all know itd be ya boy carts.

  9. after i found out who el Jocko was i said out loud “O MY GOSH”
    very well done sure, this most certainly sums up the flyers season. SMH

  10. I am quoting my friend who has the answer as to why the flyers lost, “the flyers lost cause the whole team suffered a ‘mid-body injury’–they had no heart!”

  11. Hahaha…ohh, man, that son-of-a-bitch! I was guessing Carter, but Versteeg is better.
    Great shit. You wouldn’t happen to be pulling inspiration from a personal experience, now would you, Kyle? Did some Philly break your heart, or was it a girl? (Dumb and Dumber, lol).

  12. almost spit out Sunny D all over my keyboard when i got to the last line lol, great work Kyle

  13. my name is briana!!!!!!!!!!! i would neverrrr get in bed with versteeg cause you hit the bullseye with the whole ‘mouthguard’ bit hahahaha .. ironically i was also captain of the cheerleaders in hs senior year… but i can assure you, i would only sleep with the likes of giroux 🙂 which would give us a muchhh better ending..

  14. I don’t know, maybe it’s my 5 second attenshun span, but I gave up after the 2nd paragraff. Must be the biggest load of crap they way all of your sickofant lemmings love it, Kyle-Boy.
    My suggestion to the rest is to skip right to Tommy K’s comment, because he’s 1 hundred per cent on the mark, especially about Carle:
    I’ll also add this:
    Did Versteeg:
    * Cause Carcillo to start taking returded penalties again at the worst possible time?
    In some ways this team’s collapse was more disappointing then their failyer to win The Cup last year.
    It’s too early and our heads are still hurting from the collapse to do a decent and honest dye-seck-shun if what really went wrong, but they’re going to have to make some hard personell changes to get a decent goalie if they can’t get Bobs to shape-up in the off-season. I know this will have to include a key forward whose well-loved by fans. As much as he’s good material for Kyle-Boy, I can live with Carts being used as leverage. But hopefully some of the shyteheels like Carle and Carcillo will be shown the door.
    Their cap-space emergency needs critical care stat! (Like my Dr’s analogee?)

  15. This maybe me laugh so hard, I had to show my roommate. It took all the hurt away, as well. Well done, man. Well done.
    I sort of agree with the others about the Versteeg thing. I don’t really blame him. He was only here half a year. I’m interested to see how he reacts the Lavs’ system next year, though.

  16. Carle had a bad playoff run but was one of our leading defensemen during the regular season. our overall team defense was terrible in the playoffs. I dont remember a single game where I was thinking “man we are dominating the boards tonight and winning every puck battle.” That is on the whole team.

  17. By the way, can verizone shytecan that returded “Prefect-season-because-of-the-beard” commercial? It’s embareassing.
    And did anyone notice that they only had the Ovechintrick commercial and the Caps also got swept? Hmmmm. No more Veriezon commercials for the Flyers at all, I hope.

  18. i thought this was the stupidest thing until i read the last 2 sentences. i laughed. so. hard. fuckin’ versteeg…

  19. Concerning my prior comment – Matt Carle is a very good defenseman, he just had a very poor run in the playoffs. He was really good the entire regular season, and he’ll be a very good player next year. He was, however, one of the many reasons (particularly game 4) that the Flyers did not go as far as they should have.
    And I agreed with the entire story until the Versteeg part.

  20. and to add to that WHO DIDNT HAVE A HORRIBLE PLAYOFFS?? briere and jvr BEASTED it against buff (and jvr gm2 vs. bos) but i barely noticed either of them on the ice in gms 3 and 4. no one stood out. no one played well. everyones just looking for a scapegoat and whats sticking in everyones minds is the carle turnover that put the nail in the coffin. which then reminds everyone of every other horrible play he made during the playoffs. the entire team, as a whole, including goalies and coaches did not have a good post season. everyones just looking for someone to blame but you gotta blame the whole team.

  21. You all should join – crossingbroad should be a user!
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  22. This is Fantastic… Great work… Only one is that Versteeg wasn’t the jock. It was Hartnell, when you kicked in the door in the dorm you saw #19 flopping all over the room and falling off the bed. N

  23. It was all Hartnell’s fault… He is the worse (and by that I mean talent-wise and stupidity) player on the team. The only thing he is good for is parking himself in front of the net, yet he doesn’t it all that often. Ship him out.

  24. I’ve never met a girl who’s name started with “Bri-” who wasn’t incredibly annoying and dumb, but slightly attractive.

  25. I never went to my high school prom. No girl with half a brain would have anything to do with me, on top of that, most of them were skanks anyway, so I went to a Phillies game that night. They lost. Par for the course.

  26. dear paco, just in defense of my name (which i’m hoenstly not even fond of) we’re not all dumb and annoying. i can promise you that. so i hope you meet some more ‘bri-‘s in your life who change your opinion of us 🙂

  27. @Iron Balls – diasagree Carle led all NHL defenseman in points and behind prongs and mez was our best d man this year (he had an awful playoffs but to say he sucks is incorrect)
    Kyle – hell of a story fucking hilarious shit except the versteeg part. id have rather seen coburn or one of our really shitty players that we traded scottie upshall for (thats dan fucking carcillo)cuz those two are ten times worse than versteeg. yeah versteeg made mistakes (who didnt in these playoffs ‘cough’ coburned) but he does not suck. anybody who says that knows nothing about hockey. hes really talented and im with Tommy K on this one. hes not the reason they lost people just want him to be the scapegoat cuz hes the new guy. so naturally he fucked the team up. its all bullshit. i cant wait to see versteeg and JVR next year tear shit up. the number one problem on the team is goaltending (ilya bryzgalov anyone?) the salary cap goes up and bryz is a free agent next year. and also our d needs a little sprucing up. i know itll never happen but pronger for the rights to Shea weber would be ideal (hes a RFA this year). and id also like to see carter and/or timonen worked into a deal somehow cuz we could land some big fish with those two (even though i love timonen). Edmonton has a lot of YOUNG talent…just sayin.

  28. JR27:
    I watched every game this season and every f*cking game they would make a whole shyteload of lame clearing attempts and at least 1 or 2 goals by the opposing team were earned because of it. And Carle is the worst of the crappy clearers and the most freakqwent offender. It’s part of the reason neither Bobs or Boosh got a shutout. Yes, Carle’s not the only one who make mistakes but he does them too often to be a D-man worth keeping. His number only look good because he was always out with Pronger or Kimmo. But when Pronger got hurt he spent most of his time with Mezzy but he couldn’t hold his own. The crap clearings were so predicktable and lazy that even a pee wee could intercept them and breakaway for an easy goal. It’s weird because I though Coburn was the worst of the younger D-men last year but this year he got way much better than Carle in his defensive work. Neither of them are scoring D-men, that’s what Mezzy and Pronger are for. I know I’m the only sane person in the universe anyway, but still everybody is completly bonkers to think that Carle is great. Listen to me, unload him while he has some cap/trade value. There’s a reason why he’s been with 3 teams in his 5-6 year NHL career.
    In other words: You’re WRONG, and I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!
    So there.

  29. @Iron Balls – wow goin hard arent you….coburn sucks. hes the worst player on the team. id rather see matt walker in the lineup. the numbers dont lie. pronger missed half the season CARLE STILL LED ALL NHL DEFENSEMAN IN POINTS after game 82. no doubt his defense increased with prongs in the lineup (whose wouldnt) but his failed clears were not nearly as bad as you are making it. and besides that coburns failed clears were at the very least as bad as carles. most people would say worse. and at least carles not passing the puck through the slot in our own zone…to the other team! carle also hits. coburns got probly 6 inches on him and 30 lbs too and hits about as much as raul ibanez does for the phillies. on the offensive side of things…carle is brilliant. he almost never misses the net, and sets up a lot of goals. in addition he keeps his shots low. how many times during the season did you hear jj say “coburns shot….wide” or “coburn with a shot….blocked.” or hb the favorite “coburn winds…fires wide of everything”
    watch the games and pay attention to the players cuz i think you have the two confused. carle wears 25 and coburn wears 5. i can see how you got confused (especially after watching carles lackluster play in the post season)…its an honest mistake. just dont let it happen again 🙂
    – Good day sir. Thanks for playing.
    Sincerely, JR27.

    Lubomir Visnovsky (Ducks) was #1 regular season point leader for d-men in the NHL with 68 points:
    Carle was in 28th place with 40 points (2 above Subban in rank and points).
    Your bogus assertion that Carle’s an NHL point leader proves that the rest of what you say must be taken as bogus too. (Keep trying though.)
    But who gives a shyte about points anyway when you can’t even be a defensive d-man? (E.G., Tobias Enstrom of the Thrashers has 11 more points and played 10 less games.) Carle sucks that way. Ship him out while he has trade/cap value. I’d rather see someone else who can help protect the goalie. Tough shyte for Carle. This world ain’t fair.
    While Coburn wasn’t awesome, my point was he’s more improved than he was last year and I can see him getting more ice time and leading the 3rd line. He sure as shyte didn’t suck as much as Carle (or Mezzy) during the playoffs. I’d still take him over Carle despite your mistaken notions. I’d likely take Coburn over Mezzy too. But I have a feeling Mezzy might have a breakout career year next season if he’s paired right, wherever he winds up playing (if not for the Flyers), maybe even better than he early years with the Sens.

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