Morning Wood: Dom Brown Can’t Field Edition

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Last night was a classic – vintage – Dan Baker game, as the Phillies held a ceremony to honor Pat Gillick for his (Dan Baker voice) INducTION INTO baseBALL's HALL of fame.

After a rather moving Phanavision montage of Gillick's years with the Phillies caused my lip to quiver (what? I like it when old men cry), the former GM was presented with an oil painting of… himself. This:

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Gee thanks, guys. You can’t see his eyes and he looks like he’s on a margarita-fueled safari through a Caribbean island. Frankly, I’m surprised they didn’t paint him lying shirtless on Clearwater Beach.

Anyway, congrats to Pat.

The Phillies lost, 2-1, thanks in large part to another one of Dom Brown’s Magellan-like routes to field a batted ball. Why yes, Virginia, there is a real-life equivalent of the path Dom Brown takes to fly balls:

You know when you’re approaching the entranceway of a public building and someone is roughly 8-10 paces behind you? It’s that no-man’s land where they are too far back to hold the door open without seeming creepy, but not far enough behind to just slam it. So you do one of two things: you either speed up (the preferred method) to put a safe distance between you and your subject, allowing you to enter without any door-holding burden, or (rare), if there is a really attractive member of the opposite sex, you take a ridiculously circuitous route, going around the fountain (we’ll assume this building has one) before entering. That allows you to safely – uncreepily – hold the door open. We’re going to call that the Dom Brown from now on. The next time you dangle just look enough to lengthen your encounter with Suzy… you Dom Brown’d her. Make it happen.

Let’s harden.

Steve Bucci has more on Brown’s boner.

Roy Oswalt pitched in a rehab assignment in the Lehigh Valley. He gave up only one earned run in four innings. Here he is talking about the outing.

Paul Hagen, who we’re assuming survived his night-long encounter with Jimmy Snuka on Tuesday, thinks the Phillies need another bat.

Carlos Beltran is officially a Giant. He flew into Philly last night and will play for the Giants today.

To make room… there are  conflicting reports that Pat Burrell will be released by the Giants……… Rube? If this happens, it will get talked about for the next 72 hours. Burrell was the lone reason the Giants made the playoffs last year, though he has 61 strike outs in less than 200 at-bats this year. As much as I’d like to see him back in a Phillies’ uniform, I’m not sure he would be anything more than a slower, dare I say sexier, right-handed Raul Ibanez.

Hanley Ramirez is in a war of words with Jeff Conine for the title “Mr. Marlin.” Honestly, who gives a shit?

Finally, Chooch on fire.

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Yeah, that’s an STD.

H/T to (@KylePMcGill) for the pic 

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21 Responses

  1. why does anyone like pat? he was such a bum when he was on the phils. He couldn’t run, or atleast he never tried to especially his last year with the phils. he was going to be a free agent and he just didnt care about us. I was glad to see him go. What a bum. Don’t come back pat.

  2. Pat the Bat could be this year’s Matt Stairs, guaranteeing our NLCS victory with a PH appearance.

  3. Kyle, the holding the door (or not) reference to Dom Brown is priceless….that is pure GOLD. I laughed so hard and loved the connection.
    Well done Kyle, well done!

  4. anyone else feel that bruce bochy is pulling another fast one?
    he didnt pitch any of his starters in the allstar game, ours struggled after the game.
    now, lincecum is suddenly ill until today – and will now face kendrick? .. just seems like the giants set themselves up to lose game 1 and then have a much better chance to win the next two games with the pitching matchups.

  5. thanks aaron.
    k- i suppose we’ll find out next week on the franchise. i’m assuming lincecum being sick would make it into the show.

  6. “Burrell was the lone reason the Giants made the playoffs last year”
    No, he wasn’t. They have these pitchers that you may have heard about.
    Even if he was, who cares? Burrell isn’t going to do anything that Mayberry or Francisco can’t already do.

  7. @K: Agreed about Bochy and Lincecum. Dude doesn’t look particularly sick to me (just ugly). Meanwhile, he’s had a front row seat to study our team’s batting the past couple of days. I don’t trust Bochy as far as I could throw him.

  8. I mean, if it works for them – I can’t really argue with the strategy. It’s just really shady, that’s all.
    When Polanco returns-
    Dom Brown needs to be sent back to AAA to work on his game. This is the Majors, and he is not ready. I am talking about at the plate and in the field. Mayberry shoul start day in and day out. Francisco should be dealt (if anyone will take him) or paid to go away.

  9. Anyone else notice Wheels’ comments after Brown singled in the seventh? Basically that there was no chance that he’d attempt to steal due to his lack of baserunning instincts. So what happens next? Chooch GIDP and inning over. With the Phils’ offense struggling, a young player with his alleged “tools” needs to make things happen.

  10. K- the Giants squeaked into the playoffs on the last day of the season. Pat Burrell was torrid down the stretch and the only reason they didn’t fall out of the playoff race. Obviously, there’s a lot of other better all-star players on that team, but he is, quite literally, THE reason they won the World Series. Ridiculous, but true.

  11. Brown needs to go somewhere other than the Bank. That kid will never be a Major Leaguer. whenever a ball goes into RF i always get a little nervous. there is no time for him to ‘practice’ his defensive skills during a real game that counts for something. i will not stand for it. JMJ makes all the catches look like a piece of cake!!!!!

  12. So-called experts, including the increasingly senile Bill Conlin keep telling us Brown is a “five-tool” player with a tremendous upside. Well, from what I’ve seen, it’s clear to me that those tools need to be taken back to Home Depot for a refund because they are seriously defective. K is right, Brown is woefully flawed in practically every aspect of the game, last night’s misadventure in the outfield convinced me he’s not ready and needs to go down when Polanco returns.

  13. Kyle, I never said anything about PTB. He’s a legend.
    Flash – yea, “What has Brown done for you lately?” — well, he has not lived up to expectations – that’s for sure. He will be better off playing everyday in AAA, working on his game where it doesn’t matter. He is young, I don’t get why they rushed him up to the majors so quickly. I just did a google search, seems like RF rookies start at a younger age compared to the average for all positions (see link below).
    maybe there’s something to that stat. let the players develop of few more years! — heyward and brown need to go back and develop.

  14. Re: the Dom Brown analogy. In the “hold the door” example you gave, Dom would have probably slipped and fallen as he rounded the fountain, and then missed the door handle as he went to reach for it, resulting in the “really attractive member of the opposite sex” slamming, face-first, into the door.

  15. “Hanley Ramirez is in a war of words with Jeff Conine for the title “Mr. Marlin.” Honestly, who gives a shit?”
    Honestly, I give more of a shyte about Logan Morrison being all big chickenshyte over a wee little harmless preying mantis (killing one is bad luck and against the law, albeit a missdemeaner):

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