Your Drinker’s Philadelphia CB Six Pack

Our friends at Drinker’s Philadelphia sponsor this segment. Nothing changes, except we can now have contests for legit prizes to Drinker’s.

Vanimal: Fellow Malvern Prep’er, Bill, emailed me this morning to inform me that searching for “what ethnicity is” autocompletes the following:

Screen shot 2011-07-06 at 10.30.10 AM

Good lord. Either Google is getting really good at figuring out searching habits, or the world is dying to know where that hybrid look emanates from. Either way, I caution you to understand that this is his first time through the league. Like rookie Kyle Kendrick, who lucked his way into a successful first season, Worley has at times shown dominating stuff, but mostly has been inconsistent with his pitches and benefits from being an “unknown.”

Just look at his pitch chart from Monday night’s game against Florida. That’s an awful lot of pitches that made little to no movement. Compare that to a guy like Cliff Lee’s pitch chart (from last Wednesday against Boston), and you’ll see that dominating performances come in very different shapes and sizes.

The real question, though, is what the hell are you, Vance?

Homer: You know my thoughts.

Worse post-game personality: I didn’t think anyone could approach the level of Donyell Marshall. During his time on Sixers Postgame Live, a broadcast which usually progresses like an imagined episode of Living with the Lynams – complete with a knowledgable Jim growling at you for a solid 22 minutes – Marshall struggled so mightily with the English language that I often wondered if Spectacor’s mind control team had overtaken his body and forced him to spit incoherent propaganda to the masses all seven people watching the show.

But Marty… well, he’s no better. 

Pitching questions liked a coked up Alan from The Hangover, Bystrom executes the post-game interview with the grace of a randy deer on ice skates. 

Toss-up here, but I still gotta go with Marshall. His violent mangling of the English language made even New Englanders uneasy.

Crossing Broads: Uh oh. Went there. Face it, they look alike… and neither has killed their kid (jury of peers!). They both have a hefty set of DSLs, parental issues (one hates kids, the other keeps buying them), and enough crazy eye to make Michael Stutes blush.

Jolie, however, wore Billy Bob’s blood around her neck and made out with her brother on stage. Anthony merely searches for things like “chloroform” and wrote about killing her child. Gotta go Anthony here. 12 people said she’s alright.

Crossing Bros: Any guy who once had Dude (Looks Like a Lady) blared over arena PAs has got to win. Jagr.

More dangerous for white folks: A friend and I, inspired by “Things White People Like,” have oft-pontificated about the various ways in which white folk get hurt. Cleaning gutters, scratch-n-sniff, frat stunts- all dangerous acts for white people. But two of the most treacherous endeavors for the white are fireworks and water parks. Every year, we hear about guys who blew their hand off or were killed trying to light a Roman Candle. Not to be outdone, water parks send humans slipping down a hundred foot drop, only to cradle them with a nose-load of stagnant, overly-chlorinated H2O. No white family is safe. Gotta go water parks here.

[UPDATE: Maybe not, a white guy was killed on Monday lighting fireworks.]

This all reminds me of my solution for terrorism: Dorney Park. Take the most hardened Middle Eastern terrorist out of Guantanamo Bay and send them to Wild Water Kingdom. I dare them not to giggle on their way down a slide of joy. Sure, they may bitch about the hairy climb up rickety steps, but there’s not a human alive who doesn’t take pleasure in riding a slippery slope into a pool of happy children. Their whole outlook on life would change. One phone call to the motherland and, boom, terrorism solved. Al-Qaedans will turn their attention to massive shotgun falls in Dubai. Untapped market, yo.


Today’s Drinker’s challenge: Guess the number of pitches thrown by Kyle Kendrick tonight. Winner gets 10 free tacos at Drinker’s (doesn’t have to be used all at once, fatty).

Enter after the jump.


10 Responses

  1. No one wants to know WTF Vance Worley is more than me. It haunts my thoughts everytime I see him. I spent too much time the other night wondering what race our kids would be. Would Italian & Wasian make a good looking baby? If I die before finding this out, I’ll be pissed.
    That being said, he should never talk about it. The mystique is part of the allure. Right now I want to nail him hard so it’s only downhill from here.

  2. have you been to dorney lately?…FYI…it already looks like a third world country…

  3. agree with magic, dorney is a third world country.
    Also, shouldn’t Jagr be under crossing broads? even if he is a flyer, dude still used to look like a lady….

  4. Your comparing a 23 year old Worleys pitch movement to a 30+ Lee. Of course his pitch movement isnt going to be close to Lee’s. Lee’s pitch movement wasnt close to Lee’s 5 years ago. You gain that with expierence. First its power and location then its a secondary pitch. Then a 3rd and possibly 4th then finnaly its perfecting the movement on those pitches. Look at Cole Hamels his change up always had movement but he didnt really gain it on his fastball and cutter until halfway into last season. Give the guy time the movement will come. Heck even Kendrick is starting to make his pitches dance and he hasnt been all that bad this year.

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