Screen Shot 2011-08-19 at 9.14.02 AMPhoto: Philly Sports Daily

I want to continue the Wood this fall, when the Eagles and Flyers start up their regular season campaigns. Here’s the problem: it needs a new name. Morning Wood was meant only for the Phillies (ya know, bat-wood… it’s a stretch), we’re going to need something else for football and hockey. I’m thinking high sticking for hockey and, perhaps, under center for football. But admittedly those names could use a little work. Taking suggestions in the comments…

I’m not going to spend too much time on preseason football games that most folks don’t even think should be played, but let’s talk Birds for a moment.

No more than one quarter in (he didn’t watch the first game), my father was ready to fire Juan Castillo. Just straight up fire him. I haven’t seen him that reactive about a coach since Jay Wright’s second season at Villanova… and we all know how that turned out. Moral of the story: give Juan a chance. At least Juan full-game.

Michael Vick was equally as bad. He possessed that rare combination of confidence and stupidity, a concoction usually only seen in late-game, failed-comeback Favre. That’s hard to do. Most mortals will stop trying to throw the ball into an area the size of a pea after the first or second interception. But you can relax, folks- it’s the preseason.

I was a bit surprised to see Joe Buck calling the game. FOX rolled out its A team for a preseason tuneup. Unlike you, I think Buck is fine (he doesn’t hate Philly, so just stop), has a snarky, dry sense of humor, and rarely gets flustered in front of the millions he’s speaking to. That said, something looked off about him last night:

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No, not just that screen grab. I know he has a vocal chord problem, but there was something else. He was squirmier than usual. I wasn’t sure if he was just really excited to introduce Terry Bradshaw as the guest commentator or wanted to kiss the Mr. Skin-rated ex-QB. Reader Jonmichael Daly (real name? because, if so- awesome) put it best:

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I’d argue he looked more like the horny, sex-deprived Phi Chi bookworm who pre-gamed with one-too-many Midori Sours because she needed to let off some steam from mid-terms. Tomato, tomato

Anyway, the Eagles were bad and I enjoyed FOX’s addition to the booth. Bradshaw kept things light, and despite talking over Joe a few times, did what Tony Kornheiser tried to do for Monday Night Football. I’m sure ESPN will figure out a way to keep Bradshaw away from the FOX booth. Let’s Wood.

I really wanted to make an Independence Day comment about the sky at CBP, but T-Mac stole my thunder (puns), which means the joke is no longer cool. RIP, my Bill Pullman quote.

Last night’s game was a mysterious hybrid of the Flaccid Duck and a reverse Kyle Kendrick Special: it wasn’t quite enough of a blowout to qualify as a Flaccid Duck, and the Phillies were on the giving end of the Kyle Kendrick Special (Kensington Strangler), slowly squeezing any and all life out of the D-Backs… and me (I was asleep by the sixth inning). I think the only logical name for this game would be a Wet Worley. Beyond the obvious, this shall be any game in which The Vanimal – yet again – inexplicably takes control early while the offense methodically tacks on runs. It doesn’t really matter if it’s raining- Vance will sweat enough for all of us.

The Phillies won, 4-1. How’s that for burying the lede, bitches?

Worley talked about his abbreviated outing. Video via CSN and their fancy new video player:

David Herndon came on in relief. He talked about it [via David Hale and his Flip Cam]

Shane Victorino had his suspension reduced from three games to two.

Hunter Pence is doing his best Michael Vick, shilling products on his Twitter:

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Gonzo makes the case for more Mayberry.

I’d like to note that our naming conventions for Phillies games are – I’d argue – significantly better than the nonsense you see on

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Screen Shot 2011-08-19 at 8.57.43 AM


Finally, J-Roll™ Tweeted all the way to D.C. Roy Halladay pops up in The Game’s latest jammy jam. We’ll have more on that in just a few.