Morning Wood: We Zaprudered the Brawl

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“Vic has to go unless he wants his teammates to call him chicken.” – Charlie Manuel


Oh yes.

12 days of sporting chaos. From retro night at the Phillies game (a blogger’s dream) to Dry Island to NFL free agency to Nnamdi, Pence, and a Phillies winning streak… it’s been a busy two weeks. So you can imagine my excitement as Ms. CB and I nestled on the couch in Ocean City to relax and watch your Fightin’ Phils beat up on the Giants. Literally, it turned out.

As a Blue Moon Honey Wheat teetered on the edge of disaster at the friendly end of my slunken right arm, I watched Ramon Ramirez needlessly plunk Shane Victorino. It was at that point I knew I was going to have to Zapruder this shit.

We've put the Phillies and Giants broadcasts side-by-side so you can see everything. The videos are – obviously – smaller in size when doing it this way, but splicing in the Giants’ footage allows us to see a few things we wouldn’t have otherwise… like Victorino bum rushing an unidentified Giant and Carlos Beltran strolling in as the last player to enter the fold.

Let’s roll.


Displaying a complete misunderstanding of the unwritten rules of baseball, Ramon Ramirez decides to take his frustration out on the small of Shane Victorino’s back. Victo, who is absolutely the last guy on the Phillies to take this sort of thing in stride, performs a quick two-step toward Ramirez, who is already on his way down the mound. Quickly gathering himself with a Zack Morris-esque we’re cool here wipe of the mouth, Victo pulls up just as Eli Whiteside and his grey hair get in front of him. This should have been the end of it.


Captain Grey Hair leaves Victorino and bounces around the infield like a prize fighter before a heavyweight bout. I’m not sure if it is to prove his worth or because Just For Men doesn’t work, but Whiteside wants to throw down. He was apparently the only guy in the theatre who stood up and cheered when Waingro needlessly killed the guard in Heat. Things just got ratcheted up a bit. 

Thankfully, Whiteside (are we going to pretend his name isn’t ironic?) found a willing partner in 72-year-old Placido Polanco, who enters this fight with a bad back, suspect elbow, and an already swollen head.

As Polly comes over from first base, with about 70% enthusiasm and 30% shit, I'm closest, Whiteside drops a shoulder and removes him from the line of scrimmage- a move eerily reminiscent of the one performed by mailroom guy in Road Trip. Ya wanna go?

Shit just got real. Dugouts empty. 

Unfortunately, at this point, both broadcasts cut to the same wide shot, making it very difficult to see which players were part of the first wave. At about the 13 second mark, we can see that Rollins, Ibanez, Mayberry, and Pence (love you), were all in the mix.


We’re in a holding pattern. Players gather around Polanco, Grey Top, and some of the other early arrivals. Cameras can’t see anything good, but we see a myriad middle-aged men holding Victo back: home plate umpire Mike Mulchinski, a Giants coach, and Greg Gross are all doing their best to keep this from escalating. Replays later show that Victo is probably going to get suspended for pushing Mulchinski aside.

At :35, Gross spots Victo with said Giants coach and looks at them the way jealous boyfriends look at their girlfriends in crowded bars. This was his dance. 

For the next nine seconds, we see Gross and the Giants coach wrestle for the right to clutch Victo. Meanwhile, over in the fray, Cliff Lee looks like he wants to kill somebody:

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Nice hair, Eli



Victo escapes the embrace of Gross, rushes into the pile, and barrel rolls an unidentified Giant- we’ll see this more clearly in an ensuing replay.

The fire is now stoked and, consequently, we’re treated to this amazing screen grab:

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Left: Predictably, Brian Wilson is all bark and no bite.

Left-center: Ryan Howard. That is all: Ryan Howard.

Upper-right: There is real good chance that Cliff Lee is sawing somebody’s head off.

Right-center: Chooch is snapping. He’s living out a lifelong fantasy to play the role of Chino, the youngest member of the Sharks in West Side Story. This is all getting surreal.

Lower-right: Dave Righetti has Gross by the arm. Apparently, there’s protocol that coaches only tangle with coaches. 

Just moments later, Guillermo Mota reaches into the pile and removes Victo’s helmet. I suppose this is the baseball equivalent of reaching into a scrum in hockey and giving a guy a facial.

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Charlie rescues Victo from the mess, effectively ending the live portion of our coverage.  Victo is still in all his UFC glory:

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At 1:12, you will see that Cole Hamels wanted no part of this.

Oswalt, Howard, and Pence leave the scrum. Howard and Pence just finished hand-to-hand combat, Oswalt is carrying Cody Ross’ head to mount on his wall. He flashes his trademark smile:

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"I'm going to mount this clown right above my bed"


More standing around.

2:25 and onward: Replays

2:35: Pence is gangsta. He indeed got between Aubrey Huff and the Polanco-Whitehair embrace. All you see is arms and legs, like a deer defending his honor.

2:45: Billmeyer scampers in. He was built for this.

2:52: Carlos Beltran is absolutely the last player in. He’s beat out by both benches, the entire Phillies bullpen – who sits behind him – and Bill Slowsky.  I think the Phillies made the right trade.

2:59: Perfect angle for Victo’s barrel roll.

We learned many things today: Victorino is crazy. Lee, Pence, Ibanez, Howard, and Rollins won’t back down from anyone. Hamels and Brian Wilson don’t like violence. And Charlie will always, always fight for his guys. But mostly we learned that the Giants are sore losers.

Here is video of Victorino, Manuel, and Bruce Bochy talking about the skirmish. 


Yeah, this rivalry just reached a new level.

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  • Tim August 6, 2011 at 11:38 am

    this seriously made me laugh out loud multiple times. my initial thought about the giants when this happened:

  • Don Greene August 6, 2011 at 11:44 am


  • Roose_TTB August 6, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Eli Whiteside really has unfortunate hair.

  • Mark August 6, 2011 at 11:49 am

    I guess Eli wants to take his name literally.

  • Ryan82 August 6, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Lmao so funny. Carlos Beltran last after Bill slowsky.

  • k August 6, 2011 at 11:56 am

    the oswalt n cody ross comment almost made me shit my pants hahahahahahah

  • Tony August 6, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I appreciate your Homer enthusiasim, and I DESPISED this Giants team before any of this, but come on. The Phillies were big pussies last night. If nothing else someone should have gotten one buried in their ear in the ninth. Especially after Schneider got hit after all that.

  • Bill August 6, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    This post is gold. Pure gold. Well done, sir.

  • Tomtom August 6, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Cole is a tactician…he was simply soaking it all in and mentally jotting down notes as to which players he will plunk in the ear hole in today’s game. I’m guessing he’ll unleash something around the 6th inning.

  • rr August 6, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    If you watch the San Fran feed you can clearly see Pablo Fatoval throw a punch at Victorino.

  • JoeyM August 6, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    This is the greatest breakdown ever, I love how you pointed out everything like Cole Hamels not wanting to fight hahaha and Beltran being the last guy in

  • God August 6, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    MLB Network had a shot of Hamels pushing Burrell out of the gathering of players and then one of the Giants guys pulled him off.

  • Noah G August 6, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    This is one of the best posts of year, my “nuh uh I like Cliff Lee” girlfriend was even laughing. Nice work!!

  • Strugz August 6, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    I dunno, Cole Hamels is the same guy that kicked someone’s ass in a bar a several years ago…I think he’s game for whatever, and Cliff Lee is just the man.

  • Scott August 6, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Great article. Love the breakdown. Definitely shows that we picked up the right player. Beltran will never be a team player while Pence is and has always been a team guy.

  • st August 6, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    As Polly comes over from first base, with about 70% enthusiasm and 30% shit, I’m closest
    Thats just classic kyle ha

  • Philliesphollowers August 6, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Amazing breakdown :O) I hope the Phillies pound this team over the next 2 games and leave them crouching in a corner, sobbing.

  • wingle August 6, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    where was Halladay during all of this? Thoroughly disapointed in him.

  • Sherry W August 6, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    When guys like Ibanez and Schneider run right in and want to rumble there is some crazy shit going on.
    A pissed off Ryan Howard is scary shit, and Vic needs to stop going to UFC fights.

  • L2112Lif August 6, 2011 at 1:40 pm
    Might become interesting.

  • dave hollins will kill u August 6, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    greatest recap of a fight since gorilla monsoon on warrior/hogan in wrestlemania 6…great job FU SF somebody needs to throw a heater in cody ross skull …go phils.
    p.s. hunter pence makes me fill all warm inside

  • Jim August 6, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    The last time I saw an old guy dance around like Whiteside was Apollo Creed in Rocky 4, and we all know what happened to him. This was a great read.

  • Nick August 6, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    victorino is a little bitch lol what is that moron thinking!

  • Peter August 6, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    WOW check this out, this dude found Pablo punching Victorino:

  • Chris Wheeler's dance teacher August 6, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Phils pull the ultimate power move at the end by standing on the giants field and not moving until SF clears out first. Gangster as move

  • Matthew Carson August 6, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Kudos for the balls deep breakdown. I’m in Ocean City New Jersey, and I was sadly unable to see past the 4th inning of this game. When I woke up this morning to see the recap on Sportscenter this morning…I was completely disappointed. Not for the outcome…but for their utter lack of coverage. So naturally when I read this…I’ll just put it this way…this weekend RULES.

  • TONELOC August 6, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    the phillies made the right trade. lol

  • TheDoughman August 6, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Great breakdown – I was there and close, but I couldn’t tell who was doing what. One thing for sure Philly nation was representing @AT&T park! It was awesome.

  • Nick August 6, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    did anyone else see the highlights from SportsCenter last night that showed the Giants huge fucking fat ass 3rd baseman they call “Panda” throw a punch into the pile then back peddle so fast to make sure no one knew it was him?

  • janic21 August 6, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Seriously one of the funniest articles I have ever read!

  • Lisa August 6, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    “He’s beat out by both benches, the entire Phillies bullpen – who sits behind him – and Bill Slowsky.” — AMAZING.

  • Iron Balls McGinty August 6, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    O come on Laddie, why is everyone calling this a “brawl”? Except for Whiteside (what happened, did he see the ghost of Mel Ott or something to turn his hair all grey?), and for Pablo Heblows Pandas, most of it was pretty much a big group hug with a little slap and tickle.
    Ah the best revenge is feasting on sweet victory (LGE #3). Cole pitched a great game, almost another SO. But we’ll take the win. Alls I got to say to all those Giant moron fans in SF:

    BTE, Boyo, great observaytion on that arse pirate Wilson; I thought the same thing—all beard, no balls.
    And what happened to Polanco? Fux blacked us out down here for the NY-Boston game (big boring suckfest) and even MLB.TV was blacked-out. I I read is “left hip soreness”. I hope wasn’t related to the attempted tackle last nite (not that Polanco never went down, hahahahahah). When they suspend Whitehead on Monday I hope they suspend Buttchie too. Bum. All of them.

  • Iron Balls McGinty August 6, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    “Ms. CB and I nestled on the couch… As a Blue Moon Honey Wheat teetered on the edge of disaster at the friendly end of my slunken right arm…”
    So from this we can logicly dedoose that Ms. CB is indeed your left palm. Unless you don’t have a left hand. In that case, Ms. CB has to be that Blue Moon crap you drink when you not drinking flaovoured vodtka (with your pinkie out, no doubt). Hahahahahahahah

  • Iron Balls McGinty August 6, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    PS: I’m not defending Pablo Heblows Pandas, but something drastic must have happened for him to throw the punch. I actually thought he was crucial to diffusing more potential violence, as he was the one to push Ramon Noodlez out of the way from getting tangled up with “Come Back” Shane (

    ). Afterwards you Pablo him casually bantering with some Phillies as everybody was walking away from the dog pile.
    And now I have way more respect for Brian Schneider. Somehow he was in the middle and on the bottom of that pileup, and he came out absolutely unfazed, and he didn’t have his catcher’s gear on either.

  • Iron Balls McGinty August 6, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Ill shirts > Kung Fu Panda caps.
    And did anybody notice the other nite that there was a young lad wearing one of those Flyers Ill shirts with the “feathers” on the star? Like this:
    WTF? Does that make him a Phillies fan because it’s a Philly team, or can he be a ringer for SF, because of the colours? I actually hate those shirts more than ever now, even though my ackseeum above very much rings true.
    Fingers crossed for Lil Roy to give us a sweep tomorrow.

  • Iron Balls McGinty August 6, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    PSSS: I’m glad Halladay didn’t go out there into that scrum. I bet one of the trainers even got him back into the clubhouse somehow. Good thing for the Giant pansies. He would have come out and given Ramon Noodlez, Eli Whitehead, et al the Evil Doc Stare-down. The same one that freaked-out Pat the Bat:
    (Sorry I used another blog for this Laddie, but I couldn’t find you entry about it back near Oct 21-22, 2010. The closest was this: and this: Is that all or am I missing something? I thought you had all the pics and video of this back then too.)

  • Iron Balls McGinty August 6, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    I shouldn’t be making fun of Whitehead’s hair. At least he has a head of hair.
    As you know, Boy(yle), because I’ve mentioned it many times, I have no hair on my entire body. All my follickles have been destroyed in a misfortunate industriall accident. Woe Woe Woe, but at least I no longer need to shave, but Sarge-like hats are a must in the 33139 lest me scalp gets burnt to a crisp (like pork rinds).

  • roy oswalt August 7, 2011 at 12:48 pm
    I don’t think this guy saw the same fight.

  • Ralph August 7, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Bochy is a jug eared monkey.

  • Iron Balls McGinty August 7, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    I don’t think this guy saw the same fight.” — roy oswalt | August 07, 2011 at 12:48 PM
    Roy, who cares about this guy’s blatherings and bloviations? (You like that Laddie? Somebody gave me a dickshunary as a gift.) After all, this Bruce Jenkins is a SF Homer sportswriter.
    You heard the saying that if you give a million monkeys a million years and a million typewriters (or iPads, for you clueless yungins), they’ll produce the equivalent of Shakespear’s Hamlet. Well, if you give a lemur a day with some crayons and toilet paper, he’ll be more likely to win a Pullitser than this homer Jenkins would.

  • Christian Louboutin Outlet August 16, 2011 at 3:46 am

    Spent the last few days working bees with Davis, I figure in another decade or so he’ll be able to take over this menagerie I’m creating. He has totally stepped it up with the bees. Last week Davis was giving the tours to the guests who came to visit the trailer at the Napa Valley Museum. He told me he wants to teach them everything he knows about bees. I’m blown at how accurate he is. Check him out.

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