Photo: Can't Have Too Many Cards
Adam Reigner, producer at WIP, brings you his Sunday Eagles rant.
Dear Mr. Reid,
I am writing you to apply for the Defensive Consultant position that was advertised this week. As requested, I am enclosing a completed job application, along with my resume and a few references.
I am very interested in this opportunity, and I believe that my strong background in football makes me a great candidate for this position. A couple of strengths that I would bring to the table are;
- I’ve won my fantasy league the last three years in a row.
- I had a 13-3 record using the Eagles in Madden and won the Super Bowl going away.
- I have a friend who works at Subway. (He told me he would hook us up with free hoagies.)
- I always guess the replay right when I watch the games with my old man.
- I was never late for class my entire Senior year of High School.
I believe these qualifications give me equal or greater experience than your current defensive coach.
In case those stellar qualifications weren’t enough to convince you, you can contact my bartender, Lauren. She would be more than willing to tell you how I can always call out plays before they happen.
You can also contact my High School coach, who used to call me “Coach Reigner” because I always had an idea on what play to run. I could never tell if he was being sarcastic or not, but what better way to find out than at the professional level.
Going forward, these are some of the changes that I would bring to this defense:
Stop using the “Wide 9” on running downs. You don’t have the personnel to fill the gaps it’s leaving behind your front four. If it’s a clear passing down, then run the “Wide 9” — but on 1st and 10 and when they have a 90% tendency to run the ball; play them straight up. At least make it look like you are trying to stop the run. There is absolutely no reason that you have to be lined up in a passing defense on every single play.
Cut Juqua Parker. There is no excuse for a 10 year veteran to jump offsides when every housewife watching knew they were just trying to draw you offsides. This will not only show the players that these type of mental mistakes will not be tolerated, but will instantly change the current culture of this team. I thought Ronnie Brown throwing the ball while being tackled on the goal line was the dumbest play I’d ever seen — I stand corrected. Those sorts of plays would be considered glitches in Madden.
Jason Babin has seven sacks through five games, and only 10 non-sack tackles. He is the absolute worst defensive end against the run I have ever seen. There is no way that you can line up in a “Nine” technique, which is the outside shoulder of the tackle and get reach blocked. He is supposed to be able to keep outside contain and his outside shoulder free, but time after time against the Bills he was getting blocked down. Follow that up with no sacks, and you’re looking at a very expensive one trick pony defensive end. [Editor’s note: where have we heard this phrasing before?]
Tackling has nothing to do with the amount of talent that you acquire in the off-season, and everything to do with want. It takes a crazy man to want to run full speed into someone else play after play. This team doesn’t want to tackle and has shown that week in and week out. The old adage is “hit or be hit” and this defense keeps taking the hits.
Speaking of tackling — Asante Samuel. I have never seen a guy less involved in a defense– he just wants to make interceptions (one in his last eight games). Teams are singling him out and almost exclusively running the ball towards his side of the field. They know he only wants to hit someone who doesn’t see him coming. Teams aren’t even accounting for him in their blocking schemes, anymore. Instead they are taking their wide receivers and running straight towards the safeties in order to block them and leave Asante to whiff on the tackle.
When it is 3rd and 6 — Do. Not. Line. Up. 8. Yards. Off. The. Ball. Thank you.
On the other corner, your big off-season acquisition, Nnamdi Asomugha. You paid the man to set up shop on one side of the field and lock it down — let him do it.
Here’s an idea — bench Asante, Nnamdi and DRC at the start of this game. Send them a message in front of the whole league. They do not respect their coach and it couldn’t be more apparent. Either his message is not getting across or they are simply choosing not to listen to it.
What exactly is his message to the players anyway? Continue to work hard and get back to fundamentals. News flash, Juan — these aren’t high schoolers. These are million dollar, finely tuned machines who are looking for direction.
You’re their leader, lead them.
I have a lot to say about your linebackers, but you don’t even value them enough to finish reading this sentence.
As a defensive coordinator, sometimes you have to call plays that don’t make any sense at all. If you’ve been running man to man and they are driving the ball down the field on you then zone blitz them. If for no other reason then to give their offense something to think about. Right now you are giving them nothing to think about and letting them dictate the play to you.
That is not Philadelphia football.
We punch teams in the mouth. Make them adjust to what we do.
Not the other way around.
It starts from the top.
As you can see, I am very passionate about these changes. I feel like with my vision and the talent on this team, we can turn this thing around right now.
I can be reached anytime via email at [email protected].
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking with you about this employment opportunity in the near future.
P.S. Don’t forget I got the hook up at Subway. It seemed to work for Ryan Howard.
Sorry, son, but we are going to pursue more qualified applicants. Besides, your pitch was too long. Had I read it in it’s entirety, it would have intruded on my meal times.
Hell, Adam’s got my vote. He’d certainly be a betetr candidate than, say, Eric Mangini.
Mea culpa, a correction: It’s “its entirety”. It’s hard to proof-read when you’re always busy wiping up the bacon grease from your keyboard.
Good stuff, your lack of lateness is impressive.
The Wide 9 is staying.
that was terrible bo
that is fucking fantastic…
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